Forgiveness for a Fool

Here's a few things I've wanted to tell you, but I just don't have the guts to get them out there to you. First and foremost, there's the should-be-obvious apology. What may not be obvious however, is WHY I believe I owe you an apology. First, I'd like to apologize for being naiive in the beginning, and consequently creating frustration within yourself. I may not have known better, but I still feel as though it is of my fault that you began to get upset with me to begin with. Secondly, I want to apologize to you for lying to you. I told you in the beginning that there was nothing you could ever do to upset me, and I have been upset with you as of late, and a short while before the current time. That was more of a lie to us both, however you were hit harder by it. On that same note, I want to apologize for whatever pain I caused you in going out with Chris. I feel partially, if not wholly responsible for the loss of your brother. You two were close, or as it seemed, and once I stepped into the picture, all hell hit the fan. I can still remember the look of pain on your face one day after school; you were leaving in the car, as usual; behind the driver; and Chris was meeting me by the tree. I rushed him over, and made sure to kiss him in front of you. That was cruel of me, and I do apologize for that. Fourthly, I would like to apologize to you for not telling you the truth. I believe you deserve to know it, if you do not already...I am no longer a virgin...I gave my virginity to Chris, not too long into his and my relationship. I am still undecided as to whether I feel remorse, regret, or what other feelings about that decision of mine. I do, however, accept that it was a very poor choice on my part, and I feel extremely guilty for it. I knew deep down that I loved you when I gave that gift away so easily, and that I saw Chris as a brother only...and yet still I did not stop. You deserve better than that. I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot be with you, as much as it pains me to hold that knowledge. And I do know that I cannot follow you around your whole life, and do my best to protect you from further heartache. As much as I would love to be there for you, in the shadows, and make sure your happiness is achieved, I cannot. I don't pretend to believe that my expectation in breaking up with Chris was to be back with you. I know that what is in your best interest is for you to find someone who can care for you as I could not, and love you as you love them. I would give up my world thrice over and then some, just to see yours light up once. You've been through so many hard times, and you really don't deserve that hell that people insist on giving you. You're a good guy. You'll make a good husband, and a great father someday. I just hope your future family appreciates the little things you do, because it's those that are what make you so charming. The big gestures are nice, but make sure to stick to your little details. It's just you, and YOU are one of the smartest, sweetest, most caring man any girl could ask for. Renee and Amber were fools to let that go so easily. But, if they felt they could not handle the strength that you need, and the solid hand you need every so often to pull you back up, then it's better that they remain distanced from you. I understand that I have ruined US. Please do not let that ruin YOU Chase. The one and only thing I really regret in our relationship is that I wasn't there for you more than I was. I should have stood by your side and fought with you, not for you. I should have helped us out of the holes we were in, not dig deeper. I accept the responsibility for hurting us both, and sinking what we had. Please, with every fiber in my being, I beg you...Please forgive me for what I've done to you. Pain, hurt, regret, betrayal and lies...Please forgive me for doing that to you, doing exactly what I promised you I wouldn't. I very much love you still, and would give anything for that next chance, but, as I'm afraid, the next chance was last year...And now that's gone and over. If you forget every single word I ever told you, please know these words that I say next are the only truth you can ever trust your life with, and then some. I love you. Never to change, never to diminish. Always it will be there, okay? In those shadows of yours, I'm waiting; I will catch you when you're falling, and nudge you back up. In that heart of yours , I'm stitching; I will heal you when you're hurt. If you're going through hell, I'm right there next to you. You're always going to be a part of me, whether we both like it or not. No matter how many times I try and move on, my chest is angered to be away from you. I will always fall in love all over again when I see you, and I'll always hold you in my dreams. And don't you ever ever ever ever think that I will give up on you. Knock me down as many times as you want, I will be the one person who will get right back up and reach for you, hold you up, soothe you with words, and lend you an ear and shoulder. Please remember my words, if I ever get the guts to give this to you. And forgive me for one more thing: this was written at 6:15 a.m. on Sunday, January 27, 2008. However long until you get it, is how long it took me to decide the risk was worth it. That I was willing to risk every small thing I have of you now, and just tell you what I feel, think, and believe. You're finally speaking to me again, so please forgive me for being hesitant in giving that up so quickly...Thank you Chase...for everything.