I find myself thinking about you even more lately.
Now, normally, I would say, "I have no idea why, but I can't get you out of my head lately."
But, this time, I know why. I know what's keeping me from forgetting you.
It's the people I talk to, they're all connected back to you, somehow. Or, they talk about you in some way. Or better yet, BOTH. Then, of course, there's hearing stories of lost loves, and painful heartaches, and I can't help but remember us. What we were, what we had, who we were. How... How everyone thought we would make it to the end, and then the only place we are in the end is further away, and you've got the biggest cheerleader we had as a couple, in my stead.
I thought seeing you happy would make me happy, but it doesn't. Not when it's with her. I love that you're happy, and I DO get some satisfaction out of that. But, at the same time, I'm sitting here alone, everyone taken away from me, every song, every smile, they all make me think of you. I thought I'd be able to move on, but even when I do, you're still surrounding me, at every corner.
You represent so much to me.
I've yet to decide if that's good or not.
But you represent music, and love, and honesty, and trust, and friendship, and life, and laughter, and time, and forever.
And without you here to tell me to buck up and try harder, I feel like I have nothing to try for.
Sure, everyone else tells me what you used to, but it doesn't mean as much. It's just not the same thing. Without you here to smile when you see me, or talk to me on the phone, or surprise me with a visit, I don't feel like I'm worth anything anymore. Without your hand next to mine, as my best friend, I feel like a blindfolded idiot, walking around in a lit room. I have every ability to see, but I'm blinded from hurt.
I wish you weren't on my mind as much. For so many months, I had you blocked. I had that pain blocked, I had... I had so much laughter, and self worth. But now, now that you're there again, it's like... All those words you said to me are recycled, going around and around over and over again in my head, making me dizzy. I don't trust the "I love yous" you said, because of things she would tell me you said. Would you lie to me? After we've known each other for so long? After we were so close? So GODDAMN close? Or would you lie to her... Your "love", your girlfriend? You've only really known her as long as you've been dating, but does that matter to you?
All those things you said about me... to me, behind my back, all of it... Why can I see THOSE as truth, but the beautiful things you said as you held my hand and smiled... Why can't THOSE be real? Why can't I remember those??
I have no best friend anymore, nobody I can trust. James and Grace come in at the top, but that's not enough. I can't trust anyone like I trusted you. I can't love anyone like I loved you. I can't listen and enjoy music, like I did with you. Every bite I eat, every song I listen to, every step I take, I hear you in my head. I scratch my neck, and I think of you. I pick something up off the floor with my black painted toes, and I think of you. When you pulled your sock off to painted toesies. How I giggled. How you hid them real quick when someone came in. I hear oblivion, or I put my 360's music acid trip background on in the dark, and I remember sitting with you. Sneaking in, laying with you, having you give me part of the pillow, so you could snuggle behind me. Watching you fall asleep from exhaustion, then feeling sad to have to wake you up to leave, so I wouldn't get you in trouble, that kiss good-bye, walking home on the dew chilled morning with a huge sleepy grin on my face, sneaking in the house and crashing on my bed... smiling. I listen to Lady Sov, and remember singing with my mom on the way to your house. I eat McDonalds, and I remember snaking our arms around the chair, to link fingers secretly. I remember your double cheeseburger orders. I remember snorting hot cheeto with you, and having to clean it out of our noses with tears rolling from a combination of laughter, and searing pain. I remember watching HappyFeet in the theater, and fighting the urge to touch your legs, as they were crossed in front of me; fighting the urge to take your hand, so afraid you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if I did. So afraid that if I told you I loved you, you would run away; Playing Deer Hunter with you, and totally OWNING you with the pump shotgun. Walking around Fayette mall afterwards, and watching you climb the wall, and walk all the way around the edge. Standing on the corner, up by target, and hearing you say you could jump down easily, and not believing you could, just because I was terrified you would be hurt. Laughing as you spit all the way to the street, blushing as you asked me to sing for you. Nervous and touched when you were so hyper, and your mom picked us up. God, I miss her so much! I just couldn't be there without hurting, even thinking of the smell of your house, of you, of your room, it hurts.
But I remember always coming home with little red fuzzies EVERYWHERE. Even days after going to your room, I'd have them all over the place. I remember laying next to you at night, sleeping so warm, so comfy, so safe, with your arm around me. Curling up on Matt's floor, neither of us in comfortable positions, but not willing to move, just so we could stay next to each other. Your hands, your smile, your eyes, your touch on my face wiping tears away...
We had so much love, so much affection, in such a short amount of time. When I talk of all the memories, or think about them, there's YEARS worth, in just a few months. Then you count all the years of friendship, and it seems longer. So many more memories I want to write down, in case I forget them, but... we both know I could never do that. I'll never be able to forget them.
But I do have to wonder, what have YOU done with our memories?
Do you ever think about them? Compare them to now? Is she really that much better than me? Do I even matter anymore? DID I ever matter at ALL? What about prom, do you still have the ticket, or the pictures, or the frame? Or did you throw those out too? Maybe you burned them like the other pictures. Is that what you did? Did you want to hurt me, is that what we were about? Getting close to me, so you could destroy everything I am? Ruin every happy memory I thought I had? Were you using me to get to her the whole time? How much of US was really you watching HER?
God, So many questions, that will never get asked, or answered.
Hell, I can't even get a hello out of you it seems.

Love always,
Your "Thena"
Oh. And if you HAPPEN to still have this link, and are reading this...
I don't give a damn what you think, or feel when it comes to this... For me, Mimes will always be there. I'm so sorry, but they will...

It's up to you, as to whether or not you believe my sentiments, but I really do understand where you're coming from. If what I say seems harsh, I don't intend for it to. I'm trying to show you what there could be in your life, if you're willing to open up your ears, and listen for a minute.

I couldn't ever understand the loss of a parent, but I have lost many pets in my time, and many more friends.
There are no two situation alike in the world, so no one can ever understand exactly how you feel in this place and time, because they were never in that place and time, with those people, doing those things. But you have to understand that when people tell you they feel where you are coming from, they're as unsure of what to say as you are. You say you don't know what to say to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of them not believing you. Then you say that they won't believe you, because you were never up front with them before.
If you want them to believe you now, you have to make them see who you are. I truly hope you believe me when I say I KNOW how hard it is to open yourself up to the world, and expose your deepest feelings, your darkest thoughts, and your scariest memories, when you're utterly terrified of being rejected MORE. I've been teased my entire life too, from the time I was 8, until now. I'm STILL teased, and called names, but they've stopped hurting. I've had to deal with going to school with vinegar in my hair, and oil, and chemicals, because my mother couldn't get rid of a lice infestation. I walked through those jokes. Several years later, the infestation was back, after spending a year living in a homeless shelter with my mom and sister, and after months of treatment to no success, I had to cope with having every single one of my 14 inches of hair shaved off, and hear the laughs and scoffs behind me as I went into the girls bathroom. "Omg, that's a GIRL?!" "Lookit that dyke, bet she's gonna rape some kids in there."
So please, believe me, I understand the ridicule, especially for my weight, too. But the one thing you should know, if you have passed them off as nonsense, is that old sayings may sound stupid when you're young, and cynical... But they hold so much more truth than they are given credit for.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is the best one for this paragraph. Sticks, and Stones, and Knives, and Guns kill far more people than a few personal jokes, or pointed fingers. If you let them know they're hurting you, it will hurt you more, because you will live in fear of those jokes. Instead of running away from them, STOP. Turn around. Face them. Don't threaten the jokers, don't throw insults back. All this amounts to is more pain, that could end up being physical. Instead, throw their OWN jokes right back at them. If they call you fat, Grab your stomach, or thighs, or arm and say something stupid. Like a quote from Santa Claus, and say "A little fat? Does this LOOK like a little fat to you??"
They'll laugh with you, and you will get carried away with the laughter and end up able to laugh at yourself, which is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

As far as your psychological problems are concerned, remember that they are just that. Psych. The best old saying for this, is "Mind over Matter".
If you want to think scientifically, your brain controls EVERY part of your body. Every feeling, emotion, and movement is nothing more than an electrical impulse, charged through the body by the brain. So, if you have control of your brain, you will have control over your feelings, your emotions. When you're feeling most depressed, stop, and think logically.
Step outside of your mindset, and picture what you would look like, if you were a stranger sitting next to you.
Nervous Wreck?
Depressed?
Angry?
Dangerous?
You have to think about how the world would look at you, before you think about how the world will see you. They have to take a good long look before they see ANYthing. Make sure you can understand where they are standing, and you'll come a long way in understanding why they're at a loss for words.

"I understand" is nothing more than saying they understand the meaning you are trying to convey. It can be an empty sentiment, or it can be an emotional bond. It's up to you whether or not you accept that extention as a hand up, or a shove away.
"I know" is more what someone would say if they truly knew how you felt. If someone says that, ask them to elaborate, if they are able. Sometimes the strongest bonds are made from grief. Two or more people that look each other in the eyes, and connect on the grounds of common loss have nothing more to lose. With that, they become rungs on the ladders to each other's healing process.

So, while no one will know EXACTLY how it feels to lose their father at 6, and have promises broken at such a young age, and to be bullied... neither will anyone have lived life EXACTLY as you did.
No one will be able to help you until you can see that.

I've already written more than probably any of you are going to read, but at you specifically at least Moon Dragon, I want to extend a hand, and welcome you to my world. I want to show you what I have healed from, and show you how I have healed. I want to let you explore the land I keep my heart, soul, and feelings locked up in, and show you the safeguards I have in place.
But I can't do anything until you are willing to step out of your own life, and open your eyes, and heart, and MIND to all the other options there are.

I'm not saying I'm a ball of sunshine, and daisies, or that I poop rainbows in my free time. Not by far. I have my moments that I look around and see all the different ways I could kill myself, and make it look like an accident. All the thoughts mulling in my head, like "Who would honestly miss me?" and "Who would visit me if I were sick, and dying, in the hospital?"
But I AM saying that I can help you put all those aside for the rainy days, and build something out of them.

If you think no one will care, think about WHY they wouldn't care.
Set aside your ego and pride, and think logically.... What have YOU done, that they would feel lost if they lost you?
If you don't think of anything, maybe it's about time you started GIVING everyone a reason to miss you. The more you do it for them, the more they'd miss you in their lives, the more complete you will feel, and the happier the days will look.

My friends and I started a GSA Club in a very homophobic high school, to represent the Minority. Day of Silence, RAINN, etc.
In this GSA, we thought of ways to memorialize our gay friend who had killed himself just DAYS before he turned 16. Why? Of course we don't know. All we know is he was bullied and mistreated, in home and at school, since he was born; and that the night he died he fought with his dad about DYING HIS HAIR; and that the entire school was quieter without him. We decided on a memorial garden AT school, to pay respects to in our free time, and motivate us, and be a tool to teach in biology classes, and give us something to do with our time. Hundreds of volunteers showed up every day during the summer, every saturday during school time, and worked the fingers to the bone, in hot summer months even, to come together and make a vision a reality. People came from all around the county, the state, and even a California news crew came out to film us, and interview myself, and another girl who had worked from day one with me, and a few others, for the garden. A boy in GSA asked his mother to help us, and she agreed. A few weeks later he was killed from injuries sustained from a car accident on the way to school... on the Day of Silence. The girl the California film crew interviewed with me died from a car crash the next year. But we all stand proud together, and continue to work at the garden, and share lunch together every saturday we are able, to pay respects to each other, and our mutual losses.

So, I DO know what it feels like to hurt like you do.
But the best advice I can give you is open yourself up.
Tell everyone EXACTLY how you feel, and make sure your feelings are known, and not walked over.
Be straight, upfront, and demand respect for the things you do.
The pushover is never remembered, but the leader is, so just stand up for what you believe, and do what you know makes YOU happy.
And, most importantly, that grief will NEVER go away, as I'm sure you're well aware of. But what you DO with that grief can make things better, or make things worse. BUILD on that grief. Help others, show you care, turn things around. It's all up to you, and the ball is in YOUR court.

"every day goes by so fast
before we know it, a week has past
so much time is spent looking back
in the end, we're only thrown off track
tell me then, what is the purpose
the reason behind fashion, and purses
if life is spent on sorrow and debt
we will end our lives, having only fret
stand up today, for what you believe
live every minute, love all you see
because in the end, in that final hour
you will be you, and no one else will matter"

The most important thing to remember, is that there is NO circumstance, ever, anywhere, for whatever reason, that deserves the punishment of death. I don't believe there is a single person on this entire site that should even consider suicide, for a split second.
Suicide is a very permanent solution, for what oftentimes is just a temporary problem. Death is forever, and I really doubt there are many, if any, problems that will last that long.

If pain makes you forget about it, that's really alright, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's ingrained in man to need to inflict pain to feel better. It's why there is war, and hierarchy, and pride, and selfishness. But always be aware of what will happen once you DO inflict that pain. Maybe even consider getting into a hobby that causes enough energy exertion to release that pressure. Like boxing, or football, or hockey.

If I sound like those same old people that tell you "You're doing it wrong", I really do apologize. And I'm sorry if this ends up getting lengthy. I just really really felt the urge to talk to you all, as a group. To explain what is out there to those that haven't lived as much yet, and to refresh the memories of those that have.

I'm only 19, and I know some of you are already thinking skeptically. But please, try and look at this thread with an open mind. I've seen, done, said, and lived through a lot, in a very short amount of time, and I spend my ENTIRE life trying to make it better for people who are in situations I have been in. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be trying to live. I don't feel I have a reason to, so I know I can sympathize with you guys. Most of you at least.

I guess it might help some of you, if I shared my own past, right?

My early childhood wasn't great by any standards. My first year of life was spent with my mom and dad, living in the bed of a pick-up truck. After that, we spent the next 2 years living in a small camper/trailer, with my mom picking up waitressing when I was 3, and my dad continuing his truck-driving jobs. When I turned 4, we moved from California, down to Phoenix Arizona, where we stayed with my maternal grandparents for a few months, and finally got a one bedroom apartment.
 
 When I was 9 [My sister was 4] my second sister was born, by yet another man. But my paternal grandfather died, and my dad prepared me to move across the country, to Kentucky, for the funeral. My mom, sister, and my sister's dad followed us, and we mass moved to Kentucky.

After a few years, life leveled out for the most part, and we all kind of went our own ways. My youngest sister never found out who her dad was until she was 4, which also happened to be when he found out he HAD a daughter. Around this time, my mom, sisters, and I had been homeless for about a year and a half, and needed the child support money.

Life finally started looking up around the time I was 12, but then a year later my dad got married to a gold-digger, who treated me like a red-headed step child. She ended up divorcing him 4 years later, and leaving him with absolutely nothing.

A year after that [around 2005], my maternal grandmother and grandfather were murdered in their OWN home, by a "Family friend". This created a huge uproar in my maternal family, and my mom moved me and my sisters to Washington State, to stay with her older sister.

Before we could leave, however, we had a ton of affairs to settle at home. Not even a month before our departure date, my best friend was found in his bedroom closet, hanging from the bar with his pant-strap. I felt completely abandoned, and did my best to hold everyone up. I couldn't be weak when so many people needed me, so the only time I cried was when I touched his cold, dead face at the visitation. It was so hard to believe that cold face was the once bubbly ray of sunshine in my life.

Finally, the date arrived for our move to Washington State.
This was supposed to only be for a few weeks, to settle the affairs of my late grandparents. While there, however, I was made to take care of the entire family, even if I was sick. I waited on them hand and foot, I wasn't allowed food until every chore was done, and I was only allowed to shower once a week.
After about 3 months, my mom had to move back to Kentucky for a month, to settle custody issues with my middle sister, so I was left alone with my aunt and her family. After a month of enduring abuse [in varying degrees], I felt the need to leave. I wanted out, I wanted to escape the prison I was stuck in. I walked out to the trailer I was staying in, and breathed in the cold air. I looked at the moon, and stars, and begged forgiveness. Then I sat down on the bed, and hit my hand as hard against my head as I could. [This paragraph has been edited for content]
All I could think about was how my best, and only friend had left me. How my mother had left me. How my father didn't care to call me. How my "Family" could only abuse me..... Until the unthinkable was there.
In front of my face was this huge shining orb of pink light. I don't care if people think I'm crazy, it was there, clear as day. It was my Joshy. My friend, that hung himself. That little ray of light was there, shining with me.
I couldn't feel alone anymore. He was there the whole time, watching me, trying to help me. I hid my cut until it healed, careful to never tell anyone what happened. Other than this paragraph here, only 3 people know about that. 3 people I trusted, and loved.

Finally, we were able to come home to Kentucky. My first night home, the boy I'd fallen for called. He welcomed me home, and we talked for hours, at the end of which, we told each other our feelings. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much that boy meant to me. It would be utterly impossible, unless you could have seen us when we were around each other, even as just friends. When I left, I was empty. When I left, he didn't care about friends, family, or schoolwork anymore. So to know he felt the same as me, I was astounded.

One month later, it was the Day of Silence. The day most of us looked forward to, because it was our turn to remember, and honor, Josh. Our friend who left us too soon. I was on the bus, happily silent, never prouder. To my right, a red car drove up beside the bus, on the way to school. In it were 4 of my friends, one of which was quite possibly as excited as me to be quiet that whole day. He smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen him smile, and I did the same. We signed Peace to each other [also known as the victory sign] and the car he was a mere passenger in sped up to pass the bus.
In a matter of seconds, the imPOSSIBLE happened. In slow motion I can see it now. The back tire exploded. Rubber.. dust.. everywhere. The bus slowed down. The kids jerked forward. The red car was in front. The red car was fish-tailing. The red car spun in huge circles, picking up speed. The red car was sling-shot across 3 lanes, narrowly missing a semi. The red car exploded against the hill. The red car disappeared from sight as the semi passed the bus. The driver got out. The passenger got out. No one else left. Where was my friend? Where was his smile?
The next day, I was to go see him in the hospital. Collapsed lung, broken collarbone, broken spine, broken jaw, so much broken...
2 hours before I was to leave, the PA at school came on.
He was gone.
Another friend, another life, another light, completely extinguished.
And for what?

Everyone in my class watched silently as I stood up from my desk. Curtly told my teacher I was leaving, and walked out. No one stopped me. No one said a word.
They all knew what I was feeling.

It was harder to walk into the grief room that time, than for my last friend, and I was closer to the first friend. Because in a matter of months, we had all lost 2 balls of amazing light.

My friend Hannah was there. She hugged me. She was so beautiful, even crying. We talked, hugged, laughed with people. Remembering this wonderful face.

We kept working on the Memorial Garden we had all started to memorialize Josh. A film crew came from California, just to film Hannah and I, as we talked about how we coped with our grief for not one, but two friends. What it was like to be labeled as the "outcasts" of society.

One month later, she was killed in a car accident. Driving friends home from school, she was killed.

I'll never forget how I found out. Hearing "Hannah died" was astounding. I refused to believe it was her. I went to that boys house, the one I mentioned before? I broke. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Too many people, too little time. I felt like I was some sort of curse, that was destined to kill the people I loved.

-------------------------------------------

So now, I'm here, trying to help you guys. Every Saturday, I go to that garden. I see what it's become. I hug my friends, who have shared in what I've been through. I hug Jesse's mom every chance I get, because I know my time with her could be short. She thinks about death every day, but she's afraid doing so would rid her of any chance she has of seeing her son again, if there is a heaven.

I'm not afraid to admit I'm weak anymore. It's because of that, I am strong.

I understand now, that life is VERY short. You can't afford to hold on to regret, and grudges. Every choice you make can't be regrettable. Because in the moment you made that decision, it was what made you happy. And happiness shouldn't be regretted.

DO Something with your pain. I understand better than a lot of people that it is very real, no matter how trivial the problem. I know it's there, I know you feel it, and I know now that you can live with it, and still find happiness in life. Even if you don't want to live anymore.

That boy? He refuses to talk to me now. But when I found out he was unhappy, I told him to ask out my best friend. I thought she would make him happy, and a smile on his face is all I wanted, all I cared about. It's still in my dreams. They've been together for over a year now, and I can't hate her, even though I should, for taking him away from me....
Because he is happy.

That garden? It's there, it's amazing, and it's inspired people.
People come up to me nearly every day, and say Hey, I remember you!!
Or they tell me I've inspired them, or helped them somehow.
Those little things, those words, smiles, and hugs from perfect strangers...
Are why I live.

If any of you have any reason to hurt, please understand it's really only temporary. No, time does NOT heal the pain. That pain will NEVER go away, it was always be there, always haunting you. I won't sugar-coat the truth. But you can find happiness WITH that pain. Use it as your strength. Remember that you made it through that pain for one day, two days, three days, count if you must.

But remember, that you're doing it. And I promise you will be happier.

Let's get the important stuff out of the way first.
Kudos goes to Gracie for inspiring me to write in here again.
Well, not the content, but for writing in it again period.
I doubt I would have come to my blog right now on my own accord.


I can't stop thinking about the guys in my life. Grace is the only FEMALE friend I have right now, and that means so much to me. I can say things to her, and giggle with her, about things I can't with guy friends. Especially not when most of my guy friends are either ex's, or friends of ex's. [._.;]
I've been trying not to think about Mark so much. He IS 32, and HAS 3 kids, and IS in Maryland, so I should probably consider it HIGHLY unhealthy to think about him as much as I had/have been. Thankfully, I've thought about him less! It just still makes my heart squeeze in sadness, when I sign onto WD, and see he's been online, isn't at the moment, and didn't leave me a message. Or, when I sign into YIM and search for his name and a little yellow ball next to it, and it's not there..
I thought Adam would be an escape, and in the few hours I was with him I LOVED it. I didn't think I would, and I thought it would be awkward meeting him in person, AFTER an "Interesting" conversation as he put it. I thought we were together, but he mentioned that he's only 20, and he doesn't know what he wants in a spouse.
Sadly, I do, and that's what I want. A serious, dedicated, long-term relationship. I don't want a fling, I'm tired of the whole FWB thing. I want... well, Love.
Is that so much to ask for?
I've done the heart ache, and heart break, and the giving everything up for the person you love, so... Why don't I have Love still??
The downside to having no one to look at and think "Hmm... it's a possibility, right?", is that I'm thinking about Him more now. I shouldn't. I know that. I know he is Hers now, and that I shouldn't, by any rights, even let him cross my MIND.
But he has been one of the most influential people in my life, and I loved him so dearly...
I still love him. Of course. I love the other one too, but he's got his own dramatic tragedy going on, and he can keep it to himself.
Aj is going into the Marines soon, he's already cut his hair off...
I'm going to miss him so GODDAMN much.
I think Matt is friends with me again, which is nice.
Rocky is coming up this weekend, & if all things are the same, he is supposed to go with me :]
I just hope I can find $7 by then.... I'd hate to lose that night with him, just because I couldn't get $7 measley dollars.
If I work at the farm this Wednesday and Thursday, I'd have PLENTY of money.
But do I want to? It kills my back and knees, and I don't want to take Erik's money, and Becky's gas if I can't work hard and earn the money/gas...
We'll see I suppose.
I have to stop here, or I'll go on forever, I have that much on my mind right now.
Farewell until next time, and I hope you all are safe. <3