June 17, 2007

I am unfortunately in another situation where I cannot decide for myself what I shall do next. My previous attempt to locate a job in which I would be happy, and comfortable in has ended in a rather unsatisfying way. I reached out and attempted to make contact with the person in charge, however upon introducing myself, I found that his face contorted in a grimace, and he replied to my greeting with words of polite nature, and impolite meaning. I am finding myself further and further under the pressure to locate a job and become settled in a life of my own making. Rather to my own distaste, I am finding it difficult to accomplish the mental list I have constructed to complete in as short a space of time as I possibly can. And as I once again feel the mounting need to be around the people I love, I am finding more and more of them either busy, or requiring assistance of some sort. I absolutely adore helping them, and it takes my mind off of the things I am facing at hand, and even at times resolves some of the issues I have been battling. But as Sara leaves on an adventure of grandiose proportions, and other friends remain out of reach, I find a heavy weight settling itself upon my shoulders once again. It has become a routine of some sorts that I should go up and down with my inner self, and the self that everyone expects, and the self that everyone sees. I know not when to behave in what way, nor do I know when I should not behave in said way. I confuse myself easily, and find it difficult to sit still even as my mind shifts constantly and refuses to think in silence. Sleep eludes me quite often as my mind still has the last bursts of hiccoughing flame it must retort into the one sided argument. I find my creativity alternately wavering and protruding with strength. I want to help everyone around me as I feel that they are going through very harsh times indeed. I think often of my future goals, and how I must go about achieving even the most simplistic of demands. I find myself blamed for a great many deeds for which I have had no role in the making of. Even those that have made pledges to me that they would not set undo blame without due cause. I do not understand what part of my nature makes me so irresistable as the scape goat for the actions of other persons, yet I find there IS something about me. There just has to be, for how many people there are for whom I am the backup plan. Although, I must admit, I do enjoy helping those around me, and I will continue to do so. I understand that this entry is rather short and without details, but it is currently fifteen minutes until 2 AM, and I must get the lack-of-sleep that I usually do. Fare thee well friends 'til next we meet!

June 6, 2007

Today is going to be a much better day, I can already forsee such things. And if I am to be disappointed, then I shall take it as it comes, and walk it off when I am finished. Today marks the 3 month anniversary of my Love and I being together. I can so clearly remember the night we found out how the other felt for ourselves. It was on an Instant Messenger, and we were having multiple conversations within the confines of the one. We had gotten on the subject of what our futures might hold in store for us, and started talking about what we looked for, and how we would know when we had found the right one. My Love then brought it up that you would get butterflies in your stomach at the thought of the person, you never stopped thinking about the person, and that you would do anything to see that person. As these words spilt forth from the lips of my Angel, I thought the whole time of only one person. One person was doing all that for me, and I was talking to him! *smiles* Then I think my heart nearly fell through to Venus when he said he already felt that way for someone. I was absolutely certain it couldn't possibly be me, and so I felt pressed to urge him onward and disclose whom this woman was. He played with my mind for several minutes, and my hopes were alternately dashed and risen as he kept scooting closer and closer to the truth. "It's a real bombshell" Was spoken at one point, and I remember feeling my heart nearly die for a millionth consecutive time in the span of 5 minutes. Then he said, "It is..." And I sat and awaited anxiously on the tip of my chair as ir rocked back and forth on its edge, waiting for the answer. The bottom of the screen said sngnev "is typing a message" And I awaited for it to say "Last message sent", for until such a time, I would not know whom had captured so much of my Love's heart, and life. And then he further murdered my soul when he came back with a "nunya!!" I would have like to have died then, rather than sit and wait for further honesty. Knowing he did not want to disclose the information to me at such a time, I felt I couldn't leave that night without knowing who she was. So I pressed onward even harder than I had afore done. By this point, my hands were shaking so horridly it was difficult to type even nonsense, let alone any ledgible or coherent words. My mouth and esophogaus were dry, and pounding with the beat of my heart as it slammed at my throat, desperate for escape from the confines of ignorance. Never before had I not been able to learn something I wished to have the knowledge of, and it hit and sliced at every inch of my body, desperate to have the knowledge. Then as I looked up to the screen, I noticed he had replied, and my heart skipped a beat, anxious to return to its cavity. "if this were turned around, would you tell me" Is something of how it went. My heart again leaped to my throat, making, I believe, progress in its escape from my body. If I had previously believed my hands were shaking, I had been sorely mistaken. By now the convulsions had progressed throughout my body, and though it was warm in my homestead, I felt chilled; Difficult as it was, for my face had never been warmer. I knew I could not lie to him, for that defeated the purpose of loving him, and I knew how difficult it was even to simply think about saying whom has our love, when we are speaking with them as it was. But the I cannot lie won out. I replied that yes, I would tell. Instantly it seemed, or maybe I had just fell faint and dillusional from convulsions and lack of proper air, he replied with a who. It was that moment that seemed like there was no turning back. I would surely lose one of my best friends, and the one who carried my heart, even if he knew not of such things. I couldn't see the letters, but I knew where they were, I had to know where they were. I first typed y, and paused, desperate to find an excuse to leave. But as Father was not home, and there were no chores to do, I typed the o. The u was so diffucult in it's forthcoming, I thought even childbirth must be easier. But as my hands spazzed, I suddenly shoved away the fear that had gripped me and slammed down my hand on the u, and slid it over to the enter. Momentary hesitation, and then it was blinking up onto the screen in front of me. I prayed to no one in particular that he wouldn't see it, that the connection be lost, anything. Anything to get me out of what I had just done. It said he was typing, and then he erased it, for it said nothing further. Then, blinking in front me in what seemed like words made from pure electricity, were the words, "and I you". I never will forget them, for though I thought it impossible, I died again in that moment. I thought surely he was joking, making a fool of me, but all thoughts were for naught. As oft' as I had died that night, I died once more as he said that one could not share as many experiances with another and not feel a connection. I was so extatic, my hands took on minds of their own, as did my vocal chords. Squealing as I were a piglet, and shaking as I were a leper, I felt the urge to hold the moniter and forever imprint those words in my skin. That moment is what my Love and I count as our first moments of "us". March 6. 2007 will never be a day left behind in memory for me. Well, as this is the start of the day, it only being 12:41 pm, I shall hopefully say more later this eve, however if such ideas prove false, on the morrow I shall tell you more, on my word. I shall leave you now with a few parting words, but first I will wish you good-day, and apologize for this becoming an anniversary abomination. Good-day again, and blessed be to all ye kith, and kin, and to thee as well. Farewell for now! :D

June 5, 2007

Today finds me in an odd spot. I have a lot of emotions finding their way into me rightnow. Tomorrow marks the 3 month anniversary of my Love and I finding each other, and showing our true feelings for each other. I know not what we shall do to celebrate, nor whether we shall celebrate at all, however. I do know that I must find a floral growth of new proportions and give it to my Love. Currently there is no food in the house, nor is there money. Gas has been shut off for months now; Water and electricity are due to be shut off, There is a 7-day notice to pay rent or leave; There is no gas in the car; Father hasn't worked in days; What little paycheck there is is made proportionally smaller due to debt garnishments, and on top of that, Father is sick; Therefore annoyed easily. Currently it is 7:30 p.m.; It hailed today. Not surprising, as this is KY, and if you don't like the weather here, wait 5 minutes. It'll change. My Love is sick again, which has me a bit worried. Poor thing has been sick so oft' in the past few weeks, I'm beginning to wonder if he's got the plague! *laughs lightly* I've begun to get closer to Sara, yet have concurrently begun to grow apart from Tamaria, though it pains me to admit such a feat. Mere months ago it seems we were so inseparable, we would have fallen on each other's shadow! Sadly now, even a glimse of the other's shadow would be a moment worth marks. I am quite extatic for the time of summer is upon us, and that means no school for now. It also means that with the appearance of school's ugly head in August, I shall roam the halls as a senior! This makes me happier than I thought I would be about school in years. The only thing making me happier right now is my Love. He is my life, and my soul, and I would do anything for him, should he ask. He is so good to me, and so sweet, that I oft' wonder, plague or not, if he is an angel walking on this earth, should such beings exist. My entire waking life is spent thinking of him, as he has captured my heart. My dreams are filled with him, and my breaths are whining for him. I suddenly feel quite ill. I have had this feeling many times lately, and I wish I could know why that is. My back pains me, and my stomach ails me. I feel as if I need to vomit constantly. That was unneeded information, and I apologize. But my hands type what I think, and I think what I feel, therefore whatever I feel at the moment, you shall read. Assuming, of course, I still have your attention. If you have made it thus far, surprise escapes me. I would have to wonder at your insanity as well as mine if you are still with me. Many things are bothering me right now, and I welcome a busy schedule at almost all times. I have managed to keep hold of my insanity by inviting people over almost constantly, or going somewhere with someone, even if there is nothing to do when we reach that somewhere. I have applied for a job at the new Walgreens down the road, and have not heard fromthem. Father says I should harass them, and not wait for them to get ahold of me, however I find that highly improper, and utterly rude. I may actually walk up to the store tomorrow and see if they would like to talk to me, or if they even got my application at all. Father just threw away a pile of pancake mix, because he had added too much water, and it wouldn't cook, so he dumped some water out, making it too thick to cook. Now he has only one pancake to eat, and the last of the pancake mix was used to make the one pancake. (Obviously excluding the ruined one he threw away.) And I am starting to worry. Still with me? Quite a surprise that is! *smiles* You are one very brave soul indeed if you are willing to brave the unknown depths of my mind. And this meaningless pile of words has naught a candle to the actuality of my mind. I am quite the personality, and am not one to be tread heavily around. I tend to get anxious easily if there is something worth getting anxious over; I tend to be quite friendly until someone does something to seriously anger me: I tend to be the funny person in a group of people, and the one that everyone likes; On the occasion that there is someone that dislikes me, I would greatly prefer that they not hide it, and that they tell me upfront if they have a problem with me. I am quite happy to discuss many things with people, including my beliefs. One of which is that I can't stand people who hurt people I care about. And I find it quite amusing when people try to hurt me and/or my pride with their words. I simply take them in stride and laugh them off, as I enjoy them greatly. I have somehow managed to turn this into an all about me segment, which should be reserved for other places, times, and people. If, however, you remain interested in me, and would like to get to know me further, or would like to read more about me and my mind, and the people and things in it, feel free to contact me when you get the free time from your own personal schedule. I have several websites that describe me, and each contains a separate personality and part of me. I would be more than happy to return any messages you may send in my direction, and do promise to get back to you as promptly and honestly as I possibly can at the time. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me as long as you have, I understand it was not an easy thing to do. I will attempt to post another entry as soon as possible. Please do reply and contain my boredom...I would greatly appreciate any comments you may say, even the rude ones. I find those the most interesting. :D