June 17, 2007

I am unfortunately in another situation where I cannot decide for myself what I shall do next. My previous attempt to locate a job in which I would be happy, and comfortable in has ended in a rather unsatisfying way. I reached out and attempted to make contact with the person in charge, however upon introducing myself, I found that his face contorted in a grimace, and he replied to my greeting with words of polite nature, and impolite meaning. I am finding myself further and further under the pressure to locate a job and become settled in a life of my own making. Rather to my own distaste, I am finding it difficult to accomplish the mental list I have constructed to complete in as short a space of time as I possibly can. And as I once again feel the mounting need to be around the people I love, I am finding more and more of them either busy, or requiring assistance of some sort. I absolutely adore helping them, and it takes my mind off of the things I am facing at hand, and even at times resolves some of the issues I have been battling. But as Sara leaves on an adventure of grandiose proportions, and other friends remain out of reach, I find a heavy weight settling itself upon my shoulders once again. It has become a routine of some sorts that I should go up and down with my inner self, and the self that everyone expects, and the self that everyone sees. I know not when to behave in what way, nor do I know when I should not behave in said way. I confuse myself easily, and find it difficult to sit still even as my mind shifts constantly and refuses to think in silence. Sleep eludes me quite often as my mind still has the last bursts of hiccoughing flame it must retort into the one sided argument. I find my creativity alternately wavering and protruding with strength. I want to help everyone around me as I feel that they are going through very harsh times indeed. I think often of my future goals, and how I must go about achieving even the most simplistic of demands. I find myself blamed for a great many deeds for which I have had no role in the making of. Even those that have made pledges to me that they would not set undo blame without due cause. I do not understand what part of my nature makes me so irresistable as the scape goat for the actions of other persons, yet I find there IS something about me. There just has to be, for how many people there are for whom I am the backup plan. Although, I must admit, I do enjoy helping those around me, and I will continue to do so. I understand that this entry is rather short and without details, but it is currently fifteen minutes until 2 AM, and I must get the lack-of-sleep that I usually do. Fare thee well friends 'til next we meet!