I know it's long. But it's not fake, and it's not a chain letter. It's me talking to you. Please do me the favor of just chugging through it...

♥
Athena


When is enough, enough? What is the difference in running away from our problems, and putting them aside for a better time? Who can we really trust? How can we decide who our real, true, honest friends are? Where are we destined to be? Why can no one answer these questions and feel confident in the answers they provide? Faith is an emotion. It is something that you must have in order to have religion; the governing force in the world. Why is there so much faith in politics, and so little in the personal lives of all humans? We are supposed to establish a seperation in church and state, but we have it backwards. Our church is in our presidency, and our politics are in between ourbedsheets as we lie next to our significant others. People die of hunger all over the world, even as they walk miles for the single bowl of rice, or water; while americans complain because gas prices are too high, so we can't drive our SUV's to the nearest Mc.Donald's and order a burger that's cold, and fries that are soggy.


I started my school career with high plans for my future. I had the most popular guy in school as my best friend, and first "boyfriend". We both had high futures, and our parents were prideful of us. Our living room walls were coated in plaques, and bright goldenrod papers that flamboyantly showed our talents and achievements. I sit here now in a one bedroom apartment that I share with my dad. We have no water, and may soon have no electricity. I'm failing 50% of my classes, and haven't applied to any colleges; nor have I exactly figured out what I'm going to do with my life. I never do homework, I'm always doing something with a friend or two, and always try to take on the weight of the world. My world at least. My friends, my family, the family I wish I had. I've let my life become overrun with the thoughts and actions of others. I no longer know who I am, or where I'm going. I've led a life full of tragedy, and loss. But I walk forward and claim to have no regrets. I don't know anymore if this is still true, or if it's just what I tell myself to make myself belive I'm stronger than I am. I do everything because I think about what everyone will see me as, and then I claim that I do it because I'm individual, and because I don't care what others think of me. I'm afraid of failure, and afraid of change. I'm afraid of people, and afraid of pain. But that's the only thing I've ever known, so how can I be so afraid of it? I'm moving onwards towards a future that resembles eerily close to what my mother had, and I am afraid of that too. I'm afraid of it because it brought her to drugs; felons; jail; "bastard" children; murder of parents; fighting among siblings; And it all is so close to me now, that I almost want to give into it. I almost want to run away from all my problems, and just start everything I know I shouldn't. So many people are already let down by me that I wonder sometimes if I can let them down anymore, or if they've already given up on me. I used to be a kind, caring companion, but I have elapsed into a cold-hearted bitch that uses people, and doesn't care that they're emotions are on the line. I've turned into a self-pitying fool who can't do anything without being afraid of losing a friend. I try and help people with all their problems, thinking that if I fix them, I'll be fixed too. But when they need me to talk to them, so they understand what I'm going through, I feel like they dont' want to deal with me. I feel like I'm losing my closest friends. I used to be able to get online, and get attacked by everyone, and everyone was eager to talk to me, and to tell me about their days. I used to be able to pick up the phone and have to hesitate because I don't know who to call first. Now I pick up the phone and hesitate because I have to figure out who I'll have the best chance to get ahold of. Who wont' hang up on me. Who won't be talking for hours on end to someone else, more important than me. Who won't make excuses because there's an awkward silence between us that never used to be there. Now the closest people I used to think were there either turn their backs on me, or can't stop talking about themselves, or can't make time to hang out anymore, or don't want anything but my body. Who won't use me? Who won't hurt me anymore than I've already been hurt? I hesitate because I know that there's no one left to call. No one left to comfort me when I really need them. I'm stuck at home with parents who still expect me to wait on them hand and foot, while still trying to pass my classes at school so I won't be stuck at home forever. I used to have so much I could do online, and places were amazing to go to because I met new people, and I got to chat with people I know physically, and could see their online selves. Now they all avoid me, and make excuses later. But everyday I smile, walk out my door, and do my best not to show too much of what I'm really feeling. I do my best not to let anyone know that for every smile they flash, every kiss they give to each other, every word they don't say; I'm thinking about what used to be, and how bright our futures together used to look, and I die a little inside every single time. Every promise that I excuse graciously, and say it's alright, it really breaks another piece of me. Every 0 I see in classes that I shake off as I meant for it to be there; one more piece of my future gets erased. For every smile and laugh and hug I give everyone, and every I'm alright, don't worry I whisper to my closest friends; I'm really begging for them to hold me close and never let go. My anger really means I need people near me, just sitting, or just doing something, anything with me to make me feel better. My happiness really means I'm hiding something painful that I would die if someone found out. My depression really means that I'm lost in thought and need a way out. But there's no one for me to turn to. There's no one willing to help me anymore, and I'm stuck. I'm alone, and trying to fight my way out of the world's battle of faith. Faith in friends, and family. Faith in myself. All the promises of "There's nothing you could EVER do to make me hate you" are broken, and replaced with "I hate you, and don't want anything to do with you". All the people I thought I could trust have been replaced with voicemails, and un-replied messages. All my extensions of friendship are replaced with "I'm busy this afternoon. How about next time?" and "I don't know if I can make it, I'm sorry", and I still just smile and say "it's okay." I'm not okay though. Please help me. I've asked every other way I can, and no one has answered the call. I'm pleading with you now, please give me a hand. I'm tired of crying every night, and pretending to sleep just to get up and fake a smiling, happy presence. I hate feeling so sorry for myself, but I beg you for help. Please...