I hate a lot of things right now. Number one on the list is myself. I've become a weight on the shoulders of my "friends", and a blight on the soul of society. I've tried to make myself strong, but it has been at the cost of those around me. I don't want to rely on anyone but myself, because I feel the others will be incompetant, and I will be forced to finish it or do it over myself. I take my anger out on whoever is around me, without a care as to what they may be going through. I feel jealous of things that once would never have even penetrated my psyche. I feel hatred towards people that once I considered closer to me than my own blood family. I have thoughts that constantly circulate through my head about people I'm supposed to care about, and people I've supposedly become close to. But these... people... these... "friends" don't understand me as well as I want them to. In my mind, as wrong as I know it is, I see them as unfriends, because they can't look at me and instantaneously tell me what's going on in my own head. In truth, the reason I want them to tell me what is going on in my head is because I myself can't tell. I become dissatisfied with people quickly, and whenever the mood strikes, I make up lies to get them out of my way. And when they come into possession of something I need, or want, I make up a few more lies to get them back on my side. I use people. And then I make up some excuse as to why I'm really doing it for either their benefit, or someone else's, but never my own. I have to make myself seem like some upstanding citizen, and like an angel, but then I complain when my ass gets hit by my own bad vibes. I feel anger towards my "best friend" because she's dating the only man I'll ever truly love with everything I have. But he's admitted he hates me. He's told me he has no feelings towards me anymore. Regardless of whatever we've had, or been through, he tells me that it's gone. But then, due to "cruel and merthless gods", he cheats on his girlfriend with me. And puts up no fight, for he was the one that started it, even through my protests. But why then am I the one that feels like crap? Why does he get to keep the relationship, and I end up feeling even more useless, and whorish than I have before? I hate her so completely, and utterly, but I need her. She has been there for me though so much, and has changed my life in a great many ways. But I loathe, and despise her. I wish she weren't here. And I hate myself for that. I hate her because she has the only man I care about. And when I hint towards feelings to another guy, all of a sudden, she's had feelings for that guy for months, off and on. And even better? Of COURSE that guy has to like her. He HAS to crush on her, and want to date her. And of COURSE she has to flirt back, however subtley she thinks she is, even though she is with the best man this earth has to offer. I hate her because she thinks she's depressed, or has been through hell. She has a mom, a dad, a brother, a dog, and a white picket fence. She has family that cares about her, and she has a life that is taken care of. She has practically everything she asks for. She wasn't even a week out of her "huge" relationship, and she gets the only fucking man I care for!??!?! she has friends and family she's known her whole life. No matter how hard I fucking work, she always gets exactly what it is that I HAVE worked for. I brought her into the world of freedom, and having friends, and yet I am the one that gets put aside. My family hates me. My own father, who was once my salvation, has become the bringer of a hell far worse than that of anything I have known, with the exception of the utter pain, and destruction I felt when he chose her. I hate what I think and I hate what I do. I hate the people around me, and I hate myself worse for hating them. I trust only them, and I want to stay friends with them, but... I can't stay here because every second I watch, and listen, and know, I hurt worse than I have before. I hurt worse than if I had just known it had happend, and had left. I hate myself, because I think things about my friends I shouldn't. I think things about myself that I shouldn't. But I do. So I continute hating, and feeling immense anger. Bah. I hate that I even wrote this. Whatever. The feelings in this aren't going to be shown anymore. I'm just going to say good-bye to any emotions I've felt in the past month. Good-bye to whoever I've been for the past month. Bye.