I met her in our freshman year of high school, in Science class. I won't forget my first impression of her, and how I hated her; And how rapidly that impression changed. I thought she was just another prep, that was sure to pick on me even MORE, and I didn't want to have anything to do with her. And the fact that she came in one day with black nails only served to fuel my figurative fire, since that struck me as a very un-preppy thing to do. It felt like she was mocking me, and my friends, who wore the typical black of the "rebels". After being paired up with her several times for projects, and sitting next to her, and not wanting to seem rude, I felt like the rude one for judging her. She was utterly amazing. Super nice, super cute, super smart, and I was SUPER jealous.
I regret not delving into the possible friendship I had right there, and I'm absolutely positive it won't be the last.
Well, anyway.. On November 7th, Colleen shot herself...
Not sure what was the cause really, no one ever really is after a suicide...As we all learned the hard way with Joshy.
The speculation is that while vacationing in Greece with a friend/some friends, her parents split, which hit Colleen very hard, as she was a very family-oriented person. Then, upon her return, she moved in with her boyfriend, and started putting her life back together. But then, either on November 6th, or November 7th, her boyfriend broke up with her, and left her at their apartment to cry while he went off to party.
It was then, or shortly thereafter, that she took HIS gun and ammo, and shot herself in the head.
I did what I could to comfort her mother via Facebook [I DID mention I didn't get as close to Colleen as I'd like, right? ^^;], but I couldn't go to her wake, or funeral, like I wanted to.
Josh was hard, and I didn't know if I could do another one. I didn't have to with Jesse and Hannah, but they still hit home, and with Colleen, even as distant as our friendship was, I cried for almost three days straight, at the slightest provocation.
I swore I wouldn't set foot in Walgreens again [the drug-store she worked at, down the street from my house], because the last time I went there, she was my cashier, and we chatted amicably, but I didn't linger. Quite the opposite in fact, it was so awkward trying to chat with her while my dad was there, so I rushed out of the establishment. Lo and behold, that was the last time I'd ever see her again, and I very much regret not hugging her, or talked more, asked how she REALLY was, something... anything really...
Well, the other day I had to go into not just A Walgreens... but HER Walgreens. It was very eerie, knowing she WAS there, and she's not now. It's like sensing a ghost walking across your floor, or the sensation you get when you walk in a historical monument, or place your hands on a star on the walk of fame. It's that tingly sense of "This person was right HERE in THIS place, touching THESE things, breathing THIS air, looking at THIS ray of light, going through THESE doors". At one point, I was glad my dad was in another aisle, because I barely fought back the tears remnant from over a month ago.
All in all, She marks the 6th person I've lost, since 2005. Not one year have I had a break from grief.
Granted, this year is among the worst, along with last year.... But I'm saving my hopes that maybe, just MAYbe 2010 will bring not only an end to my half-decade of grieving, but also an end to my heartache.
I hope that 2010 brings, if not a release from the constant pain and ache 3/6 brings, year long; then maybe respite in another form: replacement. If I can have someone else to dote upon, and share everything with and trust with every fiber of my soul that they will not betray me like those in the not-so-distant past have... I will be very happy indeed, for once. Here's hoping, eh? :]
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