Sunday, October 23, 2011
Buttaflaus
I feel so strange. I know I'm still in love with someone, and that if they came up to me and things were just a little different... just enough that it would be okay to say yes... I would. I would drop everything else and be with him.
But there's this guy... I've seen him two, maybe three times at Waffle House. Last night though was the first night I actually got to have a one-on-one conversation with him. Just me and him, talking. And turns out he's pretty amazing! I mean, we obviously have our differences, no two people are alike exactly, but really? There isn't much. We like the same colours [All/rainbow haha], we drink similar things, we have similar hobbies and interests and views, he doesn't do the typical flowers and animals for dates and I don't like getting those, he likes to bake and I like to bake, he likes the same classical composers that I do [And god knows it's hard enough to find someone that just likes the music, let alone can NAME composers.] and just... Ugh. So much. But there are a few drawbacks.
One, I doubt he likes me. Yeah that's what all girls say, but he's so... SUPER skinny lol. Tiny thing, which I normally don't like, but at least he's tall lol. Besides, he had a picture of a tiny little asian on his phone. Asians are super thin and have like, no boobs. The ones that do are totally perky. Look at me, you just can't have perky boobs at my cup size.
Two, He's 38. 5 years younger than my mother, 3 years OLDER than my mother's fiance, 17 years older than me. Now, age doesn't bother ME, but it does a lot of people. I mean, people freaked when I fell for someone just a few years younger than me, what would they do if they saw me with someone almost two decades older??
Three, He hates my dad. -_-; I guess they had some argument based on a conversation about engines, of course, and he called my dad an idiot. I can only IMAGINE how that went. Yes, my dad can be difficult sometimes, but he isn't an idiot by a long shot. Maybe he wasn't a total expert on whatever was being talked about, but most people aren't, you know?
Anyway, yeah. I'm totally torn. I love flirting with him, because it's just so easy, you know? He gives me total butterflies, even in between texts. And he apparently likes me in some degree, or at least likes talking/flirting, because it seems he made a trip from Winchester to upper "Georgetown" to Waffle House to see me. Last night I was there and he stayed just about as long as I did, which was the END of third shift, at 7. He left at maybe 6:30 or so. Tonight, he was home by 1. And, he took and sent me a picture of him at Waffle House, so I wouldn't feel guilty about not being up there.
I am SO confused. I know I like him, and I can easily picture being with him, but then again... I want someone that my family can welcome with open arms, you know? Someone that I can do the same for. How would either of our families look at a 21 and 38 year old being together? Like, I was born when he was probably leaving home. I'm a baby in age compared to him, if not mentally at least physically.
If people can't handle me having feelings for someone 6 years away from my age, how in the name of Hades can I even try for someone I like that's 17 away, AND has a bad history with my dad?
Idk. All I know is I smile when I see his picture. :]
Thursday, September 1, 2011
19 months later...
It's obviously been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. 19 months actually, give or take a few days. While much has happened, and even more has changed, I really don't feel it would be appropriate to go into a huge in-depth shpeal about it all. This post is more or less just letting you know I'll be writing again. I've been feeling the desire, I just haven't had the will. I've got the will now, so it shouldn't be too long before you see another post in your feed. :)
Soyeah. Welcome to 2011, this is your Warning for more Insanity coming your way. xD
Soyeah. Welcome to 2011, this is your Warning for more Insanity coming your way. xD
Monday, January 25, 2010
New beginnings are hard to appreciate when you don't know what your old ends are like. How can you know if the next piece of yarn you pick up is a different color than the last piece, if you were knitting with your eyes closed before you ran out of yarn?
Old friends can be the fluffiest pillows to fall back on, or they can be the sharpest spikes; It's all in how you make them, and how you hold them.
If I'm to be honest, I thought I had pillows all around me. I thought I was graced with Lady Luck in a time I so desperately needed her, because I thought my friends were silk covered down pillows, always around me. I thought I was there for them just as they were for me, but looking back I have to kick myself. They were pillows, just as I thought. But how I handled them... used them... I made them into Railroad spikes, and positioned them straight at my heart. It was suicide. Relationship suicide. I gave them everything they needed to hurt me, and then told all the right lies at all the right times. Thinking so highly of myself, I felt they deserved me. I felt I was the best there was, and flaunted myself as such. I may have lured more people to me with that attitude, but to what end? I've hurt each and every one of them to the core. They came back for a while, but how long could they honestly have stayed, when every look, every word, every message was screaming I was better than them. And then I even had the audacity to think that when their lives were finally looking up, that they didn't deserve it as much as I did. That I had been through so much more than them, and should be treated as such. Looking back now, I realize I was wrong. So, very, wrong. I made them alright, just like I thought. But I couldn't take it away from them like I believed. Instead, they were the ones to take it all away from me. They didn't look back, and they didn't regret anything. Which, of course, I can't blame them for. All the walking I did on them, why should they look back? To pity me? To love me? To hate me? Their shoulders said so much more than any words or emotions they expressed ever could have.
I wish on a lot of things lately. 11:11. The stars at night. 12:34. Birthdays. Christmas. The wind. If it's something I see, and think I understand, I wish on it. I don't wish for happiness, for myself or others. I wish for things I want. How selfish of me, right? I say I'm such a great person, and oh so selfless now, and I'm changed... But how true is all of that really, if I am always wishing for things to give myself, that in reality would take something away from someone else; Deserving or not. I can't be the judge of who is worthy and who is not, that's for the Fates to decide. Karma will tell me when I am deserving, and when I am not. But it can't give me anything I feel I deserve until I feel I deserve nothing. Even now, saying I am such an awful person... I still want so much. I want to hug this person, I want to talk to that person, I want to have this, I want to have that, Why does this person have what I want, what I deserve...
I want to ask for pity, I want to ask you to tell me I'm just fooling myself, I want you to tell me that I'm an amazing person that gives you hope... And as long as I want things, I will never be the amazing person I want you to see.
I make excuses, I pardon myself, I claim it's the fault of someone else, I make you believe I am honestly too busy to see you simply because I want five more minutes to myself in peace.
I want to apologize to someone. Someone very important to me, that I have repeatedly hurt, and deeply so. He has been such a... Pillar... In my life. He's been there when I needed him, even when I could tell he didn't want to be. He's been there when I wanted him, even when he was busy. He has truly been the most selfless person I know, especially when he has his "Me" moments. When he wants to be alone, he still puts up with company. When he wants nothing more than to wrap up and ignore the world, he opens his eyes and feigns alertness to keep his friends happy. I've hurt him to the point that... With what he said today... and the hurt I saw in his eyes... I wanted to cry, but that would have been selfish. I wanted to drop to my knees and sob because I knew I had let him down, but that would have been inappropriate, and again I wanted those things. I don't remember saying the things he said I did... I want to make sense of it, so I can go to him and feel I am being honest when I tell him, "I said those things, and I knew I shouldn't have. I made you a promise that was mine to keep, about a secret that was yours to keep. Yet still, I shared it. I can't say I'm sorry, that means nothing from me anymore. But I feel remorse, if that is any better. I hurt yet again, knowing I hurt you in another way, and as the different ways add up I realize I wasn't the great friend I could have been... SHOULD have been. I AM sorry, even if it means nothing..."
The sadest thing in the world is that I can't say that to him. I can't tell him I'm sorry, I can't tell him I feel bad, I can't tell him anything really without it sounding like yet ANOTHER lie. I don't remember what happened, HONESTLY, and that kills me. I'm sure my pain about it is nothing at all compared to his, in fact I KNOW it's nothing. This secret was his, and his alone, to share with whom he felt when he felt he was ready; Not before...
Hearing myself stumble around my words, trying to stutter out an apology... I realized how fake I sounded. I wasn't trying to sound fake, I wasn't trying to sound like anything. I was trying to remember when I shared his secret with her... When? Where? If I could even get an image of her face when I told her, I could remember... But I can't. I can't remember anything of those times, those... supposedly happy times, the times when I had my silk pillows to cling to. I can't remember hardly anything of what I was like, what I was thinking, what I said, or to whom. It frustrates me to no end because I KNOW I was an awful person, and I KNOW I said things I shouldn't have, and left unspoken the things that mattered... But for the life of me I can't bring to the forefront any of those memories. It's like... I've closed my eyes and gone groping in a cooler of soft drinks so long that my fingers are numb, and I'm trying to find the one Pepsi can amongst a sea of Cokes. They all feel the same, and I can't open my eyes to see what I have. I can hardly feel them because I'm so numb from searching. Then I'm absolutely frustrated, because I want that Pepsi can, so I can say I am sorry for putting it with the Cokes, and toss it out, and start making amends... but still I can't find that can.
I feel selfish for crying right now. I feel selfish for wanting to do the things I'm going to. But I'm going to be selfish, if it means somethings gets done. It means nothing to the people I've hurt, but for myself, I feel I have to do this. I have to search for that Pepsi. I have to find it, even if I have to dive into the cooler with my whole body.
But I feel I need to do this, for myself.
For my hypocritical, egotistical, selfish Self.
Old friends can be the fluffiest pillows to fall back on, or they can be the sharpest spikes; It's all in how you make them, and how you hold them.
If I'm to be honest, I thought I had pillows all around me. I thought I was graced with Lady Luck in a time I so desperately needed her, because I thought my friends were silk covered down pillows, always around me. I thought I was there for them just as they were for me, but looking back I have to kick myself. They were pillows, just as I thought. But how I handled them... used them... I made them into Railroad spikes, and positioned them straight at my heart. It was suicide. Relationship suicide. I gave them everything they needed to hurt me, and then told all the right lies at all the right times. Thinking so highly of myself, I felt they deserved me. I felt I was the best there was, and flaunted myself as such. I may have lured more people to me with that attitude, but to what end? I've hurt each and every one of them to the core. They came back for a while, but how long could they honestly have stayed, when every look, every word, every message was screaming I was better than them. And then I even had the audacity to think that when their lives were finally looking up, that they didn't deserve it as much as I did. That I had been through so much more than them, and should be treated as such. Looking back now, I realize I was wrong. So, very, wrong. I made them alright, just like I thought. But I couldn't take it away from them like I believed. Instead, they were the ones to take it all away from me. They didn't look back, and they didn't regret anything. Which, of course, I can't blame them for. All the walking I did on them, why should they look back? To pity me? To love me? To hate me? Their shoulders said so much more than any words or emotions they expressed ever could have.
I wish on a lot of things lately. 11:11. The stars at night. 12:34. Birthdays. Christmas. The wind. If it's something I see, and think I understand, I wish on it. I don't wish for happiness, for myself or others. I wish for things I want. How selfish of me, right? I say I'm such a great person, and oh so selfless now, and I'm changed... But how true is all of that really, if I am always wishing for things to give myself, that in reality would take something away from someone else; Deserving or not. I can't be the judge of who is worthy and who is not, that's for the Fates to decide. Karma will tell me when I am deserving, and when I am not. But it can't give me anything I feel I deserve until I feel I deserve nothing. Even now, saying I am such an awful person... I still want so much. I want to hug this person, I want to talk to that person, I want to have this, I want to have that, Why does this person have what I want, what I deserve...
I want to ask for pity, I want to ask you to tell me I'm just fooling myself, I want you to tell me that I'm an amazing person that gives you hope... And as long as I want things, I will never be the amazing person I want you to see.
I make excuses, I pardon myself, I claim it's the fault of someone else, I make you believe I am honestly too busy to see you simply because I want five more minutes to myself in peace.
I want to apologize to someone. Someone very important to me, that I have repeatedly hurt, and deeply so. He has been such a... Pillar... In my life. He's been there when I needed him, even when I could tell he didn't want to be. He's been there when I wanted him, even when he was busy. He has truly been the most selfless person I know, especially when he has his "Me" moments. When he wants to be alone, he still puts up with company. When he wants nothing more than to wrap up and ignore the world, he opens his eyes and feigns alertness to keep his friends happy. I've hurt him to the point that... With what he said today... and the hurt I saw in his eyes... I wanted to cry, but that would have been selfish. I wanted to drop to my knees and sob because I knew I had let him down, but that would have been inappropriate, and again I wanted those things. I don't remember saying the things he said I did... I want to make sense of it, so I can go to him and feel I am being honest when I tell him, "I said those things, and I knew I shouldn't have. I made you a promise that was mine to keep, about a secret that was yours to keep. Yet still, I shared it. I can't say I'm sorry, that means nothing from me anymore. But I feel remorse, if that is any better. I hurt yet again, knowing I hurt you in another way, and as the different ways add up I realize I wasn't the great friend I could have been... SHOULD have been. I AM sorry, even if it means nothing..."
The sadest thing in the world is that I can't say that to him. I can't tell him I'm sorry, I can't tell him I feel bad, I can't tell him anything really without it sounding like yet ANOTHER lie. I don't remember what happened, HONESTLY, and that kills me. I'm sure my pain about it is nothing at all compared to his, in fact I KNOW it's nothing. This secret was his, and his alone, to share with whom he felt when he felt he was ready; Not before...
Hearing myself stumble around my words, trying to stutter out an apology... I realized how fake I sounded. I wasn't trying to sound fake, I wasn't trying to sound like anything. I was trying to remember when I shared his secret with her... When? Where? If I could even get an image of her face when I told her, I could remember... But I can't. I can't remember anything of those times, those... supposedly happy times, the times when I had my silk pillows to cling to. I can't remember hardly anything of what I was like, what I was thinking, what I said, or to whom. It frustrates me to no end because I KNOW I was an awful person, and I KNOW I said things I shouldn't have, and left unspoken the things that mattered... But for the life of me I can't bring to the forefront any of those memories. It's like... I've closed my eyes and gone groping in a cooler of soft drinks so long that my fingers are numb, and I'm trying to find the one Pepsi can amongst a sea of Cokes. They all feel the same, and I can't open my eyes to see what I have. I can hardly feel them because I'm so numb from searching. Then I'm absolutely frustrated, because I want that Pepsi can, so I can say I am sorry for putting it with the Cokes, and toss it out, and start making amends... but still I can't find that can.
I feel selfish for crying right now. I feel selfish for wanting to do the things I'm going to. But I'm going to be selfish, if it means somethings gets done. It means nothing to the people I've hurt, but for myself, I feel I have to do this. I have to search for that Pepsi. I have to find it, even if I have to dive into the cooler with my whole body.
But I feel I need to do this, for myself.
For my hypocritical, egotistical, selfish Self.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year's Eve, or Final Day of the Year, however you call it.
2009 has not been my best year. I have to admit, it's been one of the worst. Not the absolute worst, that was probably 2006, 2007, or... no, I think 2008 was the worst for me. The most grief I have ever had to endure was 2008, and I'm quite thankful it's behind me. But 2009 was pretty damn rough as well. I'd like to take this time to flashback and look at how I remember 2009 for me, and those immediately around me.
January 2009
1st- I rang in the New Year with my Mom, Step-Dad, Two Sisters, Dog, and my Step-Dad's friend, at the Closet-Bedroom-Apartment.
16th- We celebrated my youngest sister's birthday at the same apartment. As I carried her cake into the living room, I hit the ledge with the cake, taking a chunk of it off, and the whole cake landing on the floor; Luckily, it was right side up. AJ was here for that, and myself, and my two sisters, and my mom, and my step-dad.
I think it was the end of January, beginning of February, that we had a nice snow-storm, in which I took a LOT of wonderful pictures.
February 2009
Snow storm continued, Sara and I took a lot of awesome winter pictures.
March 2009
My mom, youngest sister, and step-dad left for Washington State, taking the dog with them. Saying good-bye was very difficult, for myself, and everyone else involved.
30th- Matt's birthday. I didn't get to celebrate it with him this year :\
April 2009
My mom's birthday month, and she wasn't here for me to say Happy Birthday to her.
May 2009
Sara, Chase, and many others graduated High School finally. Lots of celebration went on, and I still couldn't make it to see Sara walk, as Chase opted out.
14th- AJ's 19th birthday. Yayyy!
June 2009
1st- Blogged about this day. Got my 360 and ipod! XD
15th- Sara and Chase made it to One year of dating.
I didn't get to hang out with a lot of people this month, they were all involved with either their significant others, or other friends. I remember pretty much loathing this entire month honestly.
I did, however, become slightly obsessed with Rob Pattinson's music, and it brought me out of a serious time of depression. I started smiling again. Real, honest to god, smiles.
July 2009
4th- The day was rainy, and spent doing just about nothing. No parade, and no fireworks this year. My dad finally drove me down the street a bit to try and see the fireworks, but between the rain, and the trees, we couldn't see anything, and so we came home. I posted a blog about the day.
5th- Blogged about this day.
August 2009
1st- My 19th birthday. Wasn't so hot. My birthday isn't a day to celebrate for me, not after my 2008 fiasco. It just depresses me when the 1st comes along now, and even more so that I was in my final "teen" year.
10th- Mar-Mar's 14th birthday. I think she enjoyed not being 13 anymore honestly.
September 2009
11th- September 11th. Hard to believe it'd been 8 whole years since the Twin Towers fell.
14th- My babies turned one whole year old! Time has FLOWN this year, seriously.
17th- Chase's 19th birthday. Tough to get through, just because I'd have liked to have been there, and told him "Hey, Merry Birfday :3", but I couldn't. So, hard day of course.
September, I had a "boyfriend" kind of. I though I had an escape from my life, someone to share life with, however menially. I knew it wouldn't be a LONG relationship if it worked, but I liked the guy, and he apparently liked me. But, we agreed we acted on impulse, and it was blown to dusty bits, if it had ever been anything to blow on.
20th- Blogged about it.
24th- Blogged about my life in general.
27th- Blogged about what was on my mind at the time.
October 2009
1st- Blogged about a life theory.
5th- Joshie's birthday. He would have been 19. Blogged about it.
9th- Blogged. Began the first few steps towards making up with Sara.
10th- Blogged about hypnosis. Felt rejuvenated for the first time in ages.
31st- Halloween. Took Marissa around the blocks a few times for some candy. Thought Sara wouldn't be home, took a shortcut down her street to Becky's house, saw her AND chase... My chest hurt, and I nearly had a panic attack, so Marissa and I walked as fast as possible past the house, and around the corner. Marissa and I walked with Matt to McDonald's to eat, then got picked up and taken to Rocky. Jerk at Rocky made Matt leave, and I felt like shit. I felt like it was my fault, that I could have, SHOULD have done something more for him, to make him feel better. Megan came too, and Jess, and Barnett. Devan danced, and was amazing as usual. Megan got up on stage! Bitter-sweet night. Had a lot of fun, but desperately missed Matt.
November 2009
1st- Rocky again, man I was wiped at the end of the day! Went alone this time, AJ, George, Kyle, and Ryan met up with me though. First time seeing AJ in a WHILE. He looked great, but my chest hurt because I knew he wasn't staying in Kentucky much longer. Stupid Marines. Josh Clifton was there, and was drunkenly flirting. But it was nice talking to him. Never really had a conversation with him before, so it was nice. He's a lot better than I'd always heard lol. Came home and like, died.
7th- Colleen Owen shot herself... I found out the next day.
8th- Beside myself, after finding out Colleen died. My day was spent crying, and I even went to the park, where Sara consoled me. It was kind of awkward, having only seen her so many times I could count on one hand. But it was nice.
9th- Chris came over to console me about Colleen too. I really enjoyed him being there, even though he didn't stay long. Been a long time since I'd seen him, as well.
10th- Marissa is in a relationship with a boy! I hear a lot about him, his name is Lee McKnight. :]
26th- Thanksgiving. I got what I wanted for the Holidays! My family came home finally. My mom, sister, and Step-Dad came home! They left the dog in Colorado though, which I was very upset about. My youngest sister had grown up so much! Her head nearly came up to my neck!! Thanksgiving didn't have much food, and wasn't ready until late that night [11pm] but it was worth it. I was beyond happy that I had my family back finally.
December 2009
Ahhh the final month. I can happily say I'm glad it's over. So much, so much, so much.
Started work at Amazon.com as a Picker. My rates were top notch for the first few days. I had to constantly be told to take a break, or lunch, and that I'd have time when I had a break to do more. Also the month I was "fired" or "quit", not sure yet how it is. But after a work-related injury [that I'm STILL feeling] I had to take a couple of days off of work, and during those days, the company I worked for [Belcan Staffing] wouldn't answer their phones, and their voice-mailbox was constantly full, leaving me unable to leave a message stating I couldn't come in for work. Turned in my badge upon picking up my second check.
1st- Chris's birthday. He had a party, I wasn't invited, or even told about it, by him at least.
4th- Sara's birthday. She had a good time I think.
19th- Blogged about Christmas.
20th- Finally blogged about Colleen, after avoiding blogging all of November.
24th- Christmas Eve! I'm so excited! Blogged a HUGE blog XD
30th- Blogged about my and my sister's Facebook Name Change.
31st- This blog! Blogging about the end of the year.
My hopes for the New Year?
My Chinese horoscopes are looking good. Year of the Tiger, which gets along WELL with the Horse, my sign. It's a Yang year, just as I am the Yang Symbol [the Yang of the Yin-Yang sign of completion]. The year's element is Metal, which is my own element. Looks to be a year for looking up! Since the forecast so to speak for 2009 turned out almost exactly as it had said, I'm glad my 2010 is looking up. :]
Maybe now I can finally have a year with no grief. A break in the streak. 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. Maybe the decadial turn is going to turn my luck. I certainly hope so. Here's hoping, and wishing, and praying, and living on. <3 Rest in Peace Colleen, and Happy New Year to you, Hannah, Jesse, Josh, Grammy, and Grampa. <3 I think of you guys all the time.
2009 has not been my best year. I have to admit, it's been one of the worst. Not the absolute worst, that was probably 2006, 2007, or... no, I think 2008 was the worst for me. The most grief I have ever had to endure was 2008, and I'm quite thankful it's behind me. But 2009 was pretty damn rough as well. I'd like to take this time to flashback and look at how I remember 2009 for me, and those immediately around me.
January 2009
1st- I rang in the New Year with my Mom, Step-Dad, Two Sisters, Dog, and my Step-Dad's friend, at the Closet-Bedroom-Apartment.
16th- We celebrated my youngest sister's birthday at the same apartment. As I carried her cake into the living room, I hit the ledge with the cake, taking a chunk of it off, and the whole cake landing on the floor; Luckily, it was right side up. AJ was here for that, and myself, and my two sisters, and my mom, and my step-dad.
I think it was the end of January, beginning of February, that we had a nice snow-storm, in which I took a LOT of wonderful pictures.
February 2009
Snow storm continued, Sara and I took a lot of awesome winter pictures.
March 2009
My mom, youngest sister, and step-dad left for Washington State, taking the dog with them. Saying good-bye was very difficult, for myself, and everyone else involved.
30th- Matt's birthday. I didn't get to celebrate it with him this year :\
April 2009
My mom's birthday month, and she wasn't here for me to say Happy Birthday to her.
May 2009
Sara, Chase, and many others graduated High School finally. Lots of celebration went on, and I still couldn't make it to see Sara walk, as Chase opted out.
14th- AJ's 19th birthday. Yayyy!
June 2009
1st- Blogged about this day. Got my 360 and ipod! XD
15th- Sara and Chase made it to One year of dating.
I didn't get to hang out with a lot of people this month, they were all involved with either their significant others, or other friends. I remember pretty much loathing this entire month honestly.
I did, however, become slightly obsessed with Rob Pattinson's music, and it brought me out of a serious time of depression. I started smiling again. Real, honest to god, smiles.
July 2009
4th- The day was rainy, and spent doing just about nothing. No parade, and no fireworks this year. My dad finally drove me down the street a bit to try and see the fireworks, but between the rain, and the trees, we couldn't see anything, and so we came home. I posted a blog about the day.
5th- Blogged about this day.
August 2009
1st- My 19th birthday. Wasn't so hot. My birthday isn't a day to celebrate for me, not after my 2008 fiasco. It just depresses me when the 1st comes along now, and even more so that I was in my final "teen" year.
10th- Mar-Mar's 14th birthday. I think she enjoyed not being 13 anymore honestly.
September 2009
11th- September 11th. Hard to believe it'd been 8 whole years since the Twin Towers fell.
14th- My babies turned one whole year old! Time has FLOWN this year, seriously.
17th- Chase's 19th birthday. Tough to get through, just because I'd have liked to have been there, and told him "Hey, Merry Birfday :3", but I couldn't. So, hard day of course.
September, I had a "boyfriend" kind of. I though I had an escape from my life, someone to share life with, however menially. I knew it wouldn't be a LONG relationship if it worked, but I liked the guy, and he apparently liked me. But, we agreed we acted on impulse, and it was blown to dusty bits, if it had ever been anything to blow on.
20th- Blogged about it.
24th- Blogged about my life in general.
27th- Blogged about what was on my mind at the time.
October 2009
1st- Blogged about a life theory.
5th- Joshie's birthday. He would have been 19. Blogged about it.
9th- Blogged. Began the first few steps towards making up with Sara.
10th- Blogged about hypnosis. Felt rejuvenated for the first time in ages.
31st- Halloween. Took Marissa around the blocks a few times for some candy. Thought Sara wouldn't be home, took a shortcut down her street to Becky's house, saw her AND chase... My chest hurt, and I nearly had a panic attack, so Marissa and I walked as fast as possible past the house, and around the corner. Marissa and I walked with Matt to McDonald's to eat, then got picked up and taken to Rocky. Jerk at Rocky made Matt leave, and I felt like shit. I felt like it was my fault, that I could have, SHOULD have done something more for him, to make him feel better. Megan came too, and Jess, and Barnett. Devan danced, and was amazing as usual. Megan got up on stage! Bitter-sweet night. Had a lot of fun, but desperately missed Matt.
November 2009
1st- Rocky again, man I was wiped at the end of the day! Went alone this time, AJ, George, Kyle, and Ryan met up with me though. First time seeing AJ in a WHILE. He looked great, but my chest hurt because I knew he wasn't staying in Kentucky much longer. Stupid Marines. Josh Clifton was there, and was drunkenly flirting. But it was nice talking to him. Never really had a conversation with him before, so it was nice. He's a lot better than I'd always heard lol. Came home and like, died.
7th- Colleen Owen shot herself... I found out the next day.
8th- Beside myself, after finding out Colleen died. My day was spent crying, and I even went to the park, where Sara consoled me. It was kind of awkward, having only seen her so many times I could count on one hand. But it was nice.
9th- Chris came over to console me about Colleen too. I really enjoyed him being there, even though he didn't stay long. Been a long time since I'd seen him, as well.
10th- Marissa is in a relationship with a boy! I hear a lot about him, his name is Lee McKnight. :]
26th- Thanksgiving. I got what I wanted for the Holidays! My family came home finally. My mom, sister, and Step-Dad came home! They left the dog in Colorado though, which I was very upset about. My youngest sister had grown up so much! Her head nearly came up to my neck!! Thanksgiving didn't have much food, and wasn't ready until late that night [11pm] but it was worth it. I was beyond happy that I had my family back finally.
December 2009
Ahhh the final month. I can happily say I'm glad it's over. So much, so much, so much.
Started work at Amazon.com as a Picker. My rates were top notch for the first few days. I had to constantly be told to take a break, or lunch, and that I'd have time when I had a break to do more. Also the month I was "fired" or "quit", not sure yet how it is. But after a work-related injury [that I'm STILL feeling] I had to take a couple of days off of work, and during those days, the company I worked for [Belcan Staffing] wouldn't answer their phones, and their voice-mailbox was constantly full, leaving me unable to leave a message stating I couldn't come in for work. Turned in my badge upon picking up my second check.
1st- Chris's birthday. He had a party, I wasn't invited, or even told about it, by him at least.
4th- Sara's birthday. She had a good time I think.
19th- Blogged about Christmas.
20th- Finally blogged about Colleen, after avoiding blogging all of November.
24th- Christmas Eve! I'm so excited! Blogged a HUGE blog XD
30th- Blogged about my and my sister's Facebook Name Change.
31st- This blog! Blogging about the end of the year.
My hopes for the New Year?
My Chinese horoscopes are looking good. Year of the Tiger, which gets along WELL with the Horse, my sign. It's a Yang year, just as I am the Yang Symbol [the Yang of the Yin-Yang sign of completion]. The year's element is Metal, which is my own element. Looks to be a year for looking up! Since the forecast so to speak for 2009 turned out almost exactly as it had said, I'm glad my 2010 is looking up. :]
Maybe now I can finally have a year with no grief. A break in the streak. 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. Maybe the decadial turn is going to turn my luck. I certainly hope so. Here's hoping, and wishing, and praying, and living on. <3 Rest in Peace Colleen, and Happy New Year to you, Hannah, Jesse, Josh, Grammy, and Grampa. <3 I think of you guys all the time.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
[Exerpt from a Facebook Note]
[My sister changed her name to Marissa O'Day-Daciana]
[I changed my own name to Athena Hacker-Daciana]
You may have noticed my sister and I have adjusted our names a bit.
Thought you might like an explanation.
Growing up, I'd always clarify that my sisters were not indeed, my sisters.
They were mere HALF sisters. Half mother-of-mine, as I had her first, and half foregin-DNA that I desperately wanted clarified as NOT my relations.
But I've always thought of them as my sisters regardless.
I've protected them with my own self without question, because they were after all, mine.
My half-sisters, my blood, my Family.
I was on my sister's page, commenting [a lot] on some [a lot] of the pictures she had just uploaded [there were a lot of them], when it really hit me. Who would know, without knowing us first, that we were related? We don't have the luxury of looking remotely alike, in spite of the fact we share a LOT of features.
And unless you've been around us when we're together, and seen how we play off of each other, you wouldn't know our personalities were near carbon-copies of each other. So, how would someone know we were family? We each carry our Paternal Family's name, but we were still FAMILY, and I wanted people to KNOW it. Most other countries pride themselves on their family names, have crests, and icons, and heritage.
So, fashion a new name it was. But, what to choose?
Choosing a name isn't easy, especially when it's not just for yourself, it's to represent not just YOU, like a fondly placed nickname does, but a group of you's. A group of people that can see you with Cockatoo hair, and pants all disheveled, and drool dried to your cheek, and not have a care in the world about it all.
So, I started thinking. What kind of name incorporates our Familial aspects?
Ask anyone CLOSE to us, and we're always at each other's throats.
But just as easily as we're upset, we're calmed, like tempered steel. Molten and malleable one minute, cold as ice and hard the next, and easily back again.
We're proud of our Native American ancestry, so of course we'd have to incorporate that.
But we're one of the closest families you can find.
All we wanted for Christmas was to have a Christmas with each other. None of us really wanted to open presents, we wanted to see presents opened. We worked hard as a Family to make sure Christmas happened, however trivially, and positively glowed on Christmas morning, no-snow and all.
Wolves.
So, I found a name that flowed well with our existing names, and asked Marissa if she would be interested in my idea, and she pointed out the same name I had in mind, before I even told her I liked that one.
Daciana.
So, there you have it Facebook Friends. [I just realized I used the word "so" in this note as often as I use "lol" normally haha]
That's the where why and when concerning the name change. <3
Thought you might like an explanation.
Growing up, I'd always clarify that my sisters were not indeed, my sisters.
They were mere HALF sisters. Half mother-of-mine, as I had her first, and half foregin-DNA that I desperately wanted clarified as NOT my relations.
But I've always thought of them as my sisters regardless.
I've protected them with my own self without question, because they were after all, mine.
My half-sisters, my blood, my Family.
I was on my sister's page, commenting [a lot] on some [a lot] of the pictures she had just uploaded [there were a lot of them], when it really hit me. Who would know, without knowing us first, that we were related? We don't have the luxury of looking remotely alike, in spite of the fact we share a LOT of features.
And unless you've been around us when we're together, and seen how we play off of each other, you wouldn't know our personalities were near carbon-copies of each other. So, how would someone know we were family? We each carry our Paternal Family's name, but we were still FAMILY, and I wanted people to KNOW it. Most other countries pride themselves on their family names, have crests, and icons, and heritage.
So, fashion a new name it was. But, what to choose?
Choosing a name isn't easy, especially when it's not just for yourself, it's to represent not just YOU, like a fondly placed nickname does, but a group of you's. A group of people that can see you with Cockatoo hair, and pants all disheveled, and drool dried to your cheek, and not have a care in the world about it all.
So, I started thinking. What kind of name incorporates our Familial aspects?
Ask anyone CLOSE to us, and we're always at each other's throats.
But just as easily as we're upset, we're calmed, like tempered steel. Molten and malleable one minute, cold as ice and hard the next, and easily back again.
We're proud of our Native American ancestry, so of course we'd have to incorporate that.
But we're one of the closest families you can find.
All we wanted for Christmas was to have a Christmas with each other. None of us really wanted to open presents, we wanted to see presents opened. We worked hard as a Family to make sure Christmas happened, however trivially, and positively glowed on Christmas morning, no-snow and all.
Wolves.
So, I found a name that flowed well with our existing names, and asked Marissa if she would be interested in my idea, and she pointed out the same name I had in mind, before I even told her I liked that one.
Daciana.
So, there you have it Facebook Friends. [I just realized I used the word "so" in this note as often as I use "lol" normally haha]
That's the where why and when concerning the name change. <3
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Ahhh Christmas Eve, FINALLY! No hint of snow, even at this time of night, so I think we will not have a White Christmas this year. BUT everything else on my afore-mentioned checklist seems to be in order, including MOAR presents kudos to ma mère et mon beau-père, and mon père even bought my sisters a little somethin' somethin'. Due to one of them sitting next to me as I type this, I can't say exactly what just yet, but they'll love it. I know they will haha, since it was on both of their lists I believe. Maybe. One of them for sure lol. We were all offered the chance to open one present tonight, and Marissa and I objected, where everyone else was a unanimous and emphatic resounding... Yes. Of course haha. Marissa and I wanted more presents to open tomorrow, so you be the ultimate decider of whether we are the greedy ones or not ;].
My dad got the internet turned back on with 14 minutes to spare before they closed for the WEEK and weekend. My mom said over the din of the computer playing Smashing Pumpkins' "Zero" that it was back on now, and I spazzed and went to Kofk.de [Kingdom of Knuffle] to collect my daily prize, seeing as how I've now missed two of 24 and did not want to further put myself in the hole. Then I hit Roliana for the daily item there, until it dawned on me... Farmville gifts are openable now! [Okay, so, My mom might have SORT of maybe hinted [[told]] me that they were openable >_>"] So I went and cleared out my hundred-and-some-odd-number of presents, and re-organized my entire farm. I harvested and sold just about all of my animals. Well, I harvested them all, and sold any that were not event-oriented, limited, rare, special edition, or hard-to-come-by. Because I know I'll get them all over again in no time. I accidentally divided my farm with Christmas Ornament Trees, and decided to run with it. Now half of my farm is Autumn/Thanksgiving and half of my farm is Winter/Christmas. I'm quite happy with the turnout.
For supper, my dad ordered Two Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizzas from Domino's, a 2-Liter of Coca Cola, a 2-Liter of Sprite, and a batch of free Cinna-Stix. Great supper idea, and came to $39.92, tax and delivery charge included, so we paid $40.00 to the driver/deliverer. I opened the first box to dish everyone their share, and as I'm pulling two pieces out for my mom, what do I behold with mine own eyes? Mushrooms. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Mushrooms, as do my step-dad, dad, and sister. But my mom is allergic to them, and highly to boot. So I'm like "Ohhhhh..... *cricket cricket*.. Crap, there's Mushrooms!!!"
My mom says "It's fine, I'll have Ramen or something, you guys go on and eat."
But how can I consciously eat a Philly Cheese Steak Pizza, knowing how much my mom loves Philly Cheese Steak!? So, I offer to call them back and ask to exchange the un-touched pizza for one without Mushrooms, since one of us is allergic, and she says no and that it's fine.
But, I can't even dish myself knowing 5 of us would be eating Delicious Philly Cheese Steak Pizza and Soda and Cinna-stix, while my mom was stuck washing things to cook with, cooking her own dinner, and eating Ramen Noodles of all things, and on Christmas Eve! So, disregarding her wishes [because I can already feel how awful she's feeling about having to be stuck with Ramen while we enjoy and engorge ourselves on Pizza] I call Domino's back, and explain what happened honestly, and tell them we've not even opened the second pizza, since it's the same as the first; Which we hadn't. I explain a second time to the Manager, and he says that it's alright, and it won't cost anything, not even a delivery charge! Not believing my luck, I explain to everyone, and they're in amazement. Sadly, mon beau-père has to wait to eat, since Myself, my sisters, and my dad, have already dished and devoured the first pizza. I offer mon beau-père my two pieces, saying I'm more than happy to wait, and eat off the non-mushroom pizza with ma mère. He refuses, and I repeat more than thrice is he sure, I REALLY don't mind. Finally giving up, I settle down and eat my two pieces.
Half an hour later, we're discussing just not handing the pizza to them, because [in the words of mon père and mon beau-père] "It's just going straight in the trash when they get there anyway, why not keep it?"
I explain that, "I've already said we're exchanging the pizza for pizza, and that it's the honest thing to do. It's Christmas Eve, we shouldn't be contemplating the ripping-off of an already more than wonderful establishment, that has granted us a re-do on a pizza for free."
The person arrives, and I hesitate... To offer the exchange, or not to offer the exchange?
My honest side gets the better of me, and I pick it up and open the door.
I carefully offer it up to the delivery man, and he shakes his head, saying, "No-no, it's alright, Happy Christmas! You guys keep it!" and he hands over the non-mushroom pizza.
I say emphatically, "Thank you so much! You as well!!!" and close the door, smiling.
Honesty paid off! We got a free [including delivery and everything!] Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizza!
I come in, and exclaim the news to my family, and everyone's eyes widen in surprise, having apparently not entirely believed we'd get to keep the original pizza.
I rub in mon père's face that "See? Honesty paid off!!"
Back in the kitchen, as I'm dishing my mom her NON allergenic pizza, my dad comes rushing in, claiming that "Well, you didn't exchange it, so we would have kept the pizza anyway!"
Of course he has to come back, that is his way after all haha.
Soooo back to the present opening, My dad opened his first present, and it was more socks, carefully picked as replacements for all of his, as I would liken his current ones to... Swiss Cheese so far gone it's ashen, but has miraculously retained it's holey hold. Mon beau-père got two T-Shirts from Hot Topic, which are AMAZING. The first is black, and has shiny decor on the front. The second made me think back to my ex, Chase. It was a white shirt [which he has taken a liking to in the past year] with felt/velvet gothic angel/demon wings on the front, among other graffiti-like graphics [which gave me Chase's punk-vibes]; But the most striking image that struck the deepest chord? A single word, really. But as with many words for me, it struck just such a chord, that it was like a harmonic. A note within a note within a note in a single song. Vengeance.
Really, it's not such a bad word, nor does it pop up often in much of my imagery. Not in it's original form anyway. But it's flip-side does, and it's original meaning is apparent. Sngnev ringing any bells? It should. It's Vengeance phonetically backwards. Ven-Gince. Vengns. Sngnev. Beginning to get the picture, eh?
*apathetically sour nodding*
But in the spirit of Christmas, I just voiced that "THAT is something I'd like to get Chase for Christmas! *Laughs Jovially*"
Annnd My youngest sister, Natasha, was the third and last to open an early present. She got a purple T-Shirt from Hot Topic, that has all the characters of "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it looks AMAZING.
And now, as I wrap up this particular entry, it's quarter to 1AM on Christmas Morning, and I'd like to save some room for today's blog that is SURE to come. I love you all, and wish you all the most warm and wonderful Happy Holidays and New Years! Hopefully you all are with family and loved ones, and are full of the blissful winter spirit. <3
My dad got the internet turned back on with 14 minutes to spare before they closed for the WEEK and weekend. My mom said over the din of the computer playing Smashing Pumpkins' "Zero" that it was back on now, and I spazzed and went to Kofk.de [Kingdom of Knuffle] to collect my daily prize, seeing as how I've now missed two of 24 and did not want to further put myself in the hole. Then I hit Roliana for the daily item there, until it dawned on me... Farmville gifts are openable now! [Okay, so, My mom might have SORT of maybe hinted [[told]] me that they were openable >_>"] So I went and cleared out my hundred-and-some-odd-number of presents, and re-organized my entire farm. I harvested and sold just about all of my animals. Well, I harvested them all, and sold any that were not event-oriented, limited, rare, special edition, or hard-to-come-by. Because I know I'll get them all over again in no time. I accidentally divided my farm with Christmas Ornament Trees, and decided to run with it. Now half of my farm is Autumn/Thanksgiving and half of my farm is Winter/Christmas. I'm quite happy with the turnout.
For supper, my dad ordered Two Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizzas from Domino's, a 2-Liter of Coca Cola, a 2-Liter of Sprite, and a batch of free Cinna-Stix. Great supper idea, and came to $39.92, tax and delivery charge included, so we paid $40.00 to the driver/deliverer. I opened the first box to dish everyone their share, and as I'm pulling two pieces out for my mom, what do I behold with mine own eyes? Mushrooms. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Mushrooms, as do my step-dad, dad, and sister. But my mom is allergic to them, and highly to boot. So I'm like "Ohhhhh..... *cricket cricket*.. Crap, there's Mushrooms!!!"
My mom says "It's fine, I'll have Ramen or something, you guys go on and eat."
But how can I consciously eat a Philly Cheese Steak Pizza, knowing how much my mom loves Philly Cheese Steak!? So, I offer to call them back and ask to exchange the un-touched pizza for one without Mushrooms, since one of us is allergic, and she says no and that it's fine.
But, I can't even dish myself knowing 5 of us would be eating Delicious Philly Cheese Steak Pizza and Soda and Cinna-stix, while my mom was stuck washing things to cook with, cooking her own dinner, and eating Ramen Noodles of all things, and on Christmas Eve! So, disregarding her wishes [because I can already feel how awful she's feeling about having to be stuck with Ramen while we enjoy and engorge ourselves on Pizza] I call Domino's back, and explain what happened honestly, and tell them we've not even opened the second pizza, since it's the same as the first; Which we hadn't. I explain a second time to the Manager, and he says that it's alright, and it won't cost anything, not even a delivery charge! Not believing my luck, I explain to everyone, and they're in amazement. Sadly, mon beau-père has to wait to eat, since Myself, my sisters, and my dad, have already dished and devoured the first pizza. I offer mon beau-père my two pieces, saying I'm more than happy to wait, and eat off the non-mushroom pizza with ma mère. He refuses, and I repeat more than thrice is he sure, I REALLY don't mind. Finally giving up, I settle down and eat my two pieces.
Half an hour later, we're discussing just not handing the pizza to them, because [in the words of mon père and mon beau-père] "It's just going straight in the trash when they get there anyway, why not keep it?"
I explain that, "I've already said we're exchanging the pizza for pizza, and that it's the honest thing to do. It's Christmas Eve, we shouldn't be contemplating the ripping-off of an already more than wonderful establishment, that has granted us a re-do on a pizza for free."
The person arrives, and I hesitate... To offer the exchange, or not to offer the exchange?
My honest side gets the better of me, and I pick it up and open the door.
I carefully offer it up to the delivery man, and he shakes his head, saying, "No-no, it's alright, Happy Christmas! You guys keep it!" and he hands over the non-mushroom pizza.
I say emphatically, "Thank you so much! You as well!!!" and close the door, smiling.
Honesty paid off! We got a free [including delivery and everything!] Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizza!
I come in, and exclaim the news to my family, and everyone's eyes widen in surprise, having apparently not entirely believed we'd get to keep the original pizza.
I rub in mon père's face that "See? Honesty paid off!!"
Back in the kitchen, as I'm dishing my mom her NON allergenic pizza, my dad comes rushing in, claiming that "Well, you didn't exchange it, so we would have kept the pizza anyway!"
Of course he has to come back, that is his way after all haha.
Soooo back to the present opening, My dad opened his first present, and it was more socks, carefully picked as replacements for all of his, as I would liken his current ones to... Swiss Cheese so far gone it's ashen, but has miraculously retained it's holey hold. Mon beau-père got two T-Shirts from Hot Topic, which are AMAZING. The first is black, and has shiny decor on the front. The second made me think back to my ex, Chase. It was a white shirt [which he has taken a liking to in the past year] with felt/velvet gothic angel/demon wings on the front, among other graffiti-like graphics [which gave me Chase's punk-vibes]; But the most striking image that struck the deepest chord? A single word, really. But as with many words for me, it struck just such a chord, that it was like a harmonic. A note within a note within a note in a single song. Vengeance.
Really, it's not such a bad word, nor does it pop up often in much of my imagery. Not in it's original form anyway. But it's flip-side does, and it's original meaning is apparent. Sngnev ringing any bells? It should. It's Vengeance phonetically backwards. Ven-Gince. Vengns. Sngnev. Beginning to get the picture, eh?
*apathetically sour nodding*
But in the spirit of Christmas, I just voiced that "THAT is something I'd like to get Chase for Christmas! *Laughs Jovially*"
Annnd My youngest sister, Natasha, was the third and last to open an early present. She got a purple T-Shirt from Hot Topic, that has all the characters of "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it looks AMAZING.
And now, as I wrap up this particular entry, it's quarter to 1AM on Christmas Morning, and I'd like to save some room for today's blog that is SURE to come. I love you all, and wish you all the most warm and wonderful Happy Holidays and New Years! Hopefully you all are with family and loved ones, and are full of the blissful winter spirit. <3
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I met her in our freshman year of high school, in Science class. I won't forget my first impression of her, and how I hated her; And how rapidly that impression changed. I thought she was just another prep, that was sure to pick on me even MORE, and I didn't want to have anything to do with her. And the fact that she came in one day with black nails only served to fuel my figurative fire, since that struck me as a very un-preppy thing to do. It felt like she was mocking me, and my friends, who wore the typical black of the "rebels". After being paired up with her several times for projects, and sitting next to her, and not wanting to seem rude, I felt like the rude one for judging her. She was utterly amazing. Super nice, super cute, super smart, and I was SUPER jealous.
I regret not delving into the possible friendship I had right there, and I'm absolutely positive it won't be the last.
Well, anyway.. On November 7th, Colleen shot herself...
Not sure what was the cause really, no one ever really is after a suicide...As we all learned the hard way with Joshy.
The speculation is that while vacationing in Greece with a friend/some friends, her parents split, which hit Colleen very hard, as she was a very family-oriented person. Then, upon her return, she moved in with her boyfriend, and started putting her life back together. But then, either on November 6th, or November 7th, her boyfriend broke up with her, and left her at their apartment to cry while he went off to party.
It was then, or shortly thereafter, that she took HIS gun and ammo, and shot herself in the head.
I did what I could to comfort her mother via Facebook [I DID mention I didn't get as close to Colleen as I'd like, right? ^^;], but I couldn't go to her wake, or funeral, like I wanted to.
Josh was hard, and I didn't know if I could do another one. I didn't have to with Jesse and Hannah, but they still hit home, and with Colleen, even as distant as our friendship was, I cried for almost three days straight, at the slightest provocation.
I swore I wouldn't set foot in Walgreens again [the drug-store she worked at, down the street from my house], because the last time I went there, she was my cashier, and we chatted amicably, but I didn't linger. Quite the opposite in fact, it was so awkward trying to chat with her while my dad was there, so I rushed out of the establishment. Lo and behold, that was the last time I'd ever see her again, and I very much regret not hugging her, or talked more, asked how she REALLY was, something... anything really...
Well, the other day I had to go into not just A Walgreens... but HER Walgreens. It was very eerie, knowing she WAS there, and she's not now. It's like sensing a ghost walking across your floor, or the sensation you get when you walk in a historical monument, or place your hands on a star on the walk of fame. It's that tingly sense of "This person was right HERE in THIS place, touching THESE things, breathing THIS air, looking at THIS ray of light, going through THESE doors". At one point, I was glad my dad was in another aisle, because I barely fought back the tears remnant from over a month ago.
All in all, She marks the 6th person I've lost, since 2005. Not one year have I had a break from grief.
Granted, this year is among the worst, along with last year.... But I'm saving my hopes that maybe, just MAYbe 2010 will bring not only an end to my half-decade of grieving, but also an end to my heartache.
I hope that 2010 brings, if not a release from the constant pain and ache 3/6 brings, year long; then maybe respite in another form: replacement. If I can have someone else to dote upon, and share everything with and trust with every fiber of my soul that they will not betray me like those in the not-so-distant past have... I will be very happy indeed, for once. Here's hoping, eh? :]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)