Well, yesterday was certainly eventful. I woke up, sat online for a while, and found myself on YouTube, just perusing what it had to store. Clicking related link after related link, and eventually I found myself in hypnosis videos. I half-way watched this guy give an annotated weight-loss hypnosis session, and found myself drawn in. Even in the annotated version, I found myself in a trance. So, I clicked related videos, and found other hypnosis ones, that were for self help. They told me I wanted water. I wanted healthy food. Junk food despised me, tasted like bile in my throat pretty much. I wanted to exercise, I loved it. I could feel my metabolism speeding up. My lips tingled, my brain tingled, my arms and legs tingled, and my lungs breathed in and out steadily. Even having to focus enough to read what it said, I felt it working. Not fully hypnotized, but enough to make me feel the truth in the words. I COULD feel my blood speeding up and running through me, if not my metabolism. I felt my mouth water upon hearing the word "Water", and it still is. I wanted to go outside, and DO something. So, I put on a jacket, shoes, and thick pants, and set to walking. Just walking. I ended up going on a 2 mile walk, and felt great. I was going about 4mph, or 15 minutes per mile. The one time I sipped my water, it tasted so smooth, so sweet, almost like honey. And it did me for the rest of the walk. I got home, and that's all I wanted to drink. I wasn't tired the whole walk, but as I got home, that last block, I could feel that 2 miles was just what I needed. Sure, I only burned 330 calories in that walk, but my lungs felt freer, and I felt so much better. I watched a couple of movies, and crashed to sleep, which I definitely needed. Woke up, watched some more movies, browsed online for a while, then turned the computer off again, and went to bed.
Now, here I am at 2am, blogging because I'm... emotional. Not emo, not sad, not happy, just feeling a lot of things. She replied again, and actually gave me the jitters, from anxiety. Not bad enough for an anxiety attack, but I was anxious. Then, in my response, I found I had millions of things I wanted to say, but I had to condense it. Towards the end of my main paragraph, I actually found myself crying. Since this was only minutes ago, I thought I'd come blog.
I've got to call the Food Benefits Office again this morning, because I am DYING. Not joking, the weight I've gained having to eat rice and ramen [both of which require butter] is going to kill me if I can't change my diet soon. I've placed a marker in weight that I absolutely REFUSE to hit, or go over at all, even if it means I have to stop eating all together, and starve myself down. Granted, I only eat 2 times a day, sometimes only once, but it's WHAT I have to eat that's killing me.
Anyway, not really a long blog, just... wanted to jot some stuff down.

So, I was online as usual, half-heartedly flipping through all my sites, commenting here and there about different threads, and my own thread popped to the top of the list. Someone had replied in the thread I had made, to comfort people and whatnot. I read their post, and glanced above them, expecting to see my own post. Instead, I see Hers. She was talking in my thread? Mine? My heart jumped, and my hands started sweating, as I thought 'Surely she's not angry with me? I've left her alone, like she asked, so she could have time, even though I didn't want to give her space... Even though I wanted to pick her up and hug her all day...'
Instead, she was saying the opposite. And, like it or not, neither of us have been great to the other, myself included... Nay, myself ESPECIALLY.
I waited until this morning to reply, because I wanted to make sure what I said would say what I wanted. If that's confusing, too bad, that's the way it went down.
And, even though I still feel like something is missing, what's said has been said, and now I can only wait.
Wait for what?
For my Renaissance.
My Renaissance comes in a couple of weeks, so I just have to hold on that much longer. Then, everything will be better! Not great, not like I WISH it would be, but so much better. Healthier, happier, less stressful, more fulfilling. Just because the economy says I can't have the teenage life everyone else is having doesn't mean I can't have a the GOOD life everyone else is having.
My mom is supposed to be getting married, and coming home, and I'm supposed to see her, and George, and Tasha, and Crispy, and maybe even my precious Forest again... maybe.... I miss him so much..
I'll get my bass, and my books, and my Hank, and my sega, and my other clothes, and sooooo much more. I'll get more people coming over too, since there won't be seven years worth of smoke caked on everything, and ashes all over the place, and dishes and trash and... ugh.
No yelling, no conflictions, no anything horrible. Just me, my family, the adults working, the kids going to school... Just like it should be. I won't have to question when I'll get to eat, or if I'll have a home the next week, or if my cats will have food...
It will be so much better.
Just a few more weeks, even though I'm terribly impatient.
*sigh*
Just a few more...

I miss you Joshy...

Dear Joshy,

You know, you would have been 19 this week? 19, living on your own, graduated from high school, and probably having more fun in your life than you ever had before. You would have. I know you would have. You would have done a lot of things! Made even MORE friends, loved even MORE people, spread even MOOOORE love across the world. You would have helped GSA so much, you would have helped us all when we lost Jesse, and Hannah. You would have helped me when I lost everyone I cared about, and you would have laughed with me at what a fool I have been. You would have taught so much to me by now. You probably would have had your own car by now. The hottest boyfriend in town too of course ;)

But you're not. You won't ever get a car, or a license, or your own house, or a graduation diploma. You won't have the hottest boyfriend in town, because you won't have another boyfriend again. Ever. You won't get to say another word, give another hug, share another laugh. You won't. You can't. We remember your hugs, and words, and smiles, because we have pictures... videos... memories... But those can't last forever. Time has a habit of taking away the videos, fading the pictures, and distancing us from the memories, because they hurt. You weren't there when we all needed your laugh. You weren't there when we all fell down. You weren't there.. You won't ever BE there again. I sit outside all the time, just to feel the breeze. To feel you. I talk to you, but can you hear me? Do you hear me where you are, when I tell you my secrets? When I tell you my fears? Can you hear my tears, wherever you are? Feel how lonely I am? Can you? You asked me in my kitchen if I trusted you... do you believe me now? I trust you, more than I trust anyone. I tell you everything, I tell you my dreams, and wishes, hopes and aspirations... Then I tell you everything else, I tell you my fears, and nightmares, my worries, and hatreds...

You left so many questions unanswered. So much uncertainty. Every question only makes new ones, they never have answers. I used to say everyone should be JUST like you. But there's no way I would ask anyone to do that now. You held pain, and regret, and fears, and then you took yourself away from us forever, for a problem, or problems, that were so MINOR, so temporary! Death, as I"m sure you've noticed by now, is a very permanent thing. You only had TWO YEARS before you were 18, and could have shoved off of anyone you wanted. Now, you would be turning 19, and be well on your way!!! But you couldn't wait... Such a tiny amount of time. You couldn't even wait until you turned 16? Just a few more days, and you would have had a spectacular party! You would have known just how much we all loved you... STILL love you, if our tears are anything to go by. I can't use my old myspace anymore, but don't worry Joshy baby. You're still my number one! And I'm still your number 4, but I'm there! You cared about me, and you put me there, where I was special. I was thrilled. But now I'm too depressed when I look at that myspace. I see when you were last there, and I know I'll never get excited again, to see that online now icon pop up, telling me you finally were able to get online. I'll never be able to close my eyes and feel your hands put on my eyelashes, and makeup. I'll never get to see you twirl around for me in a skirt, and ask me how you look. I'll never get to see you sneak a cig in your room, with sage and incense lit. Or bend over your tub while you help me bleach my hair. So many things, Josh, I'll never get to have again. I won't get that trust we had. That bond we shared. I won't ever find that again. I will forever regret that when you left, you were mad at me. We were mad at each other, and over such a STUPID thing. You taught me so much, even when you left. But you could have taught me so much MORE if you had only stayed!! If you had waited just a few months, you would have seen me as I came home from Washington. You would have seen me as I was with the man of my dreams, the man you kept telling me to go for, but I just couldn't. You would have been there to hold my hand as I held up people as we were all reeling from the loss of Jesse, and then Hannah. You would have been here to see my sisters, and how beautiful they are. You would have been here to see me graduate, even though I didn't get to walk. You would have been here...
But you're not, and god damnit I miss you so much. I usually talk about you, and how wonderful you are, and hold back every tear that threatens to take me over, because I know you would want it to be that way. You wouldn't want us to be weak without you, but be strong with ourselves. But remembering how cold your hand was... your face was... seeing how long that line was, and thanking people as they let me in front of the entire line, so I could see you one last time... so I could touch your face, and your hair, and hold your hand, and hurt inside because that warmth you radiated wouldn't ever be there again....
I say I'm strong, but I'm so weak, so damn weak...
I miss you so much Joshy. As the years go by, I don't miss you any less. It doesn't hurt any less either... I just forget more and more of the little moments, that, three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to forget if you paid me. I try though, joshy. I try for you. I try to pick up where you left off, and give as much energy as I can. Even though I'll never have the love you did. I'll never mean as much to people as you did, and continue to do. If something happened to me, I wouldn't have anywhere near as many people mourning me... I'd be the name in passing, in the obituaries. Another statistic, that no one would remember. Not like they do you.
God, I miss you Joshy. I need you here, wiping my tears, and holding my hand. I need you here telling me I'm beautiful... telling me that the words they said were just words... that I'm special, that I'm loved, please Joshy, anything... I just need you here....

3 years, and the pain is still here.
But luckily, so is the love, Joshy.
I love you so much....
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease
RIP
10/12/90 - 10/5/06

Ahhhh Humans.
The ruling species, right? Why? What have we done for the planet, as rulers, that the dinosaurs couldn't do? Eukarya animalia chordata mammalia primates hominidae homo sapien is what we are, or, in english:Our cells have a nucleus, we cannot produce our own food, we have a backbone, we have live birth, and carry milk, we have opposable thumbs, walk upright, are all the same, and are wise, or sentient. I'd like to know who decided to classify us like that. We are NOT wise, nor are we all the same, and neither are we the carriers of backbones. We are a weak, prideful, disoriented race that cannot agree on anything, and sees every individual as different. We take, and take, and never want to give back, which ends up killing more of us than any other idea on the planet. We are not happy with ourselves until we make others unhappy, and we cannot take care of one planet, but we insist on trying to find others. We're trying to find new toys and inventions to use, like cars, and trains, and planes, and weapons of mass destruction, and destruction of fossil fuels, and creation of solar, electric, and hydrogen energy. But, we cannot seem to fix the one economy, in one country, or eliminate a single illness that kills billions per year, or even eliminate something as meager as homelessness in a third world country less in mass than the average Nation-state. We have managed, however, to singlehandedly cause the most destruction on this planet. More damage has been caused by the human race living, than by a meteor crashing onto the planet, and wiping out all life forms on the planet at the time in seconds. We have managed to cause more damage in the past 100 years on the planet, than has ever been done on the planet in several billion years. Plague has not wiped out as many people as one war has, and Plague is supposed to be one of the great apocalyptic ends.
So, why are we dominating the planet? Because of our thirst for domination. That is the sole meaning behind the existence of the human race. Think about it. What is war for? Domination. One country or province must prove it is better than another. Or others. Politics? Domination. NASA? Domination. Industrialization? Domination. Social class? Domination. Celebrities? Domination. Clubs/Organizations? Domination. Gangs? Domination. Police Force? Domination. Sex? Domination. Punishment? Domination. That's all we want, isn't it? We want to Dominate. To be better. To be on top. To show we are worthy of pride, and lust, and gluttony. Even Religious Zealots have it all wrong. They want Domination too! Going to church, recruiting people to the cause, donations to the pot, praying to win the lottery, proclaiming all the world a sin, and that they alone will reach the Holy Land. D.O.M.I.N.A.T.I.O.N.
And what comes of Domination? Fear.
Fear if loss, of failure, of inability, of not being good enough, of being DominatED.
And it's these things that cause us to crave domination even more, which causes us to fail in the end.
The human race as a whole needs to stop, take a breath, and look at itself. If every country just kept to itself, nobody would have any problems. If every country were made inable to lie, everyone would be happy. Everything would be sorted.
But they can't. Because WE can't.
Humans have to Dominate, remember?
*sigh*