I miss you Joshy...

Dear Joshy,

You know, you would have been 19 this week? 19, living on your own, graduated from high school, and probably having more fun in your life than you ever had before. You would have. I know you would have. You would have done a lot of things! Made even MORE friends, loved even MORE people, spread even MOOOORE love across the world. You would have helped GSA so much, you would have helped us all when we lost Jesse, and Hannah. You would have helped me when I lost everyone I cared about, and you would have laughed with me at what a fool I have been. You would have taught so much to me by now. You probably would have had your own car by now. The hottest boyfriend in town too of course ;)

But you're not. You won't ever get a car, or a license, or your own house, or a graduation diploma. You won't have the hottest boyfriend in town, because you won't have another boyfriend again. Ever. You won't get to say another word, give another hug, share another laugh. You won't. You can't. We remember your hugs, and words, and smiles, because we have pictures... videos... memories... But those can't last forever. Time has a habit of taking away the videos, fading the pictures, and distancing us from the memories, because they hurt. You weren't there when we all needed your laugh. You weren't there when we all fell down. You weren't there.. You won't ever BE there again. I sit outside all the time, just to feel the breeze. To feel you. I talk to you, but can you hear me? Do you hear me where you are, when I tell you my secrets? When I tell you my fears? Can you hear my tears, wherever you are? Feel how lonely I am? Can you? You asked me in my kitchen if I trusted you... do you believe me now? I trust you, more than I trust anyone. I tell you everything, I tell you my dreams, and wishes, hopes and aspirations... Then I tell you everything else, I tell you my fears, and nightmares, my worries, and hatreds...

You left so many questions unanswered. So much uncertainty. Every question only makes new ones, they never have answers. I used to say everyone should be JUST like you. But there's no way I would ask anyone to do that now. You held pain, and regret, and fears, and then you took yourself away from us forever, for a problem, or problems, that were so MINOR, so temporary! Death, as I"m sure you've noticed by now, is a very permanent thing. You only had TWO YEARS before you were 18, and could have shoved off of anyone you wanted. Now, you would be turning 19, and be well on your way!!! But you couldn't wait... Such a tiny amount of time. You couldn't even wait until you turned 16? Just a few more days, and you would have had a spectacular party! You would have known just how much we all loved you... STILL love you, if our tears are anything to go by. I can't use my old myspace anymore, but don't worry Joshy baby. You're still my number one! And I'm still your number 4, but I'm there! You cared about me, and you put me there, where I was special. I was thrilled. But now I'm too depressed when I look at that myspace. I see when you were last there, and I know I'll never get excited again, to see that online now icon pop up, telling me you finally were able to get online. I'll never be able to close my eyes and feel your hands put on my eyelashes, and makeup. I'll never get to see you twirl around for me in a skirt, and ask me how you look. I'll never get to see you sneak a cig in your room, with sage and incense lit. Or bend over your tub while you help me bleach my hair. So many things, Josh, I'll never get to have again. I won't get that trust we had. That bond we shared. I won't ever find that again. I will forever regret that when you left, you were mad at me. We were mad at each other, and over such a STUPID thing. You taught me so much, even when you left. But you could have taught me so much MORE if you had only stayed!! If you had waited just a few months, you would have seen me as I came home from Washington. You would have seen me as I was with the man of my dreams, the man you kept telling me to go for, but I just couldn't. You would have been there to hold my hand as I held up people as we were all reeling from the loss of Jesse, and then Hannah. You would have been here to see my sisters, and how beautiful they are. You would have been here to see me graduate, even though I didn't get to walk. You would have been here...
But you're not, and god damnit I miss you so much. I usually talk about you, and how wonderful you are, and hold back every tear that threatens to take me over, because I know you would want it to be that way. You wouldn't want us to be weak without you, but be strong with ourselves. But remembering how cold your hand was... your face was... seeing how long that line was, and thanking people as they let me in front of the entire line, so I could see you one last time... so I could touch your face, and your hair, and hold your hand, and hurt inside because that warmth you radiated wouldn't ever be there again....
I say I'm strong, but I'm so weak, so damn weak...
I miss you so much Joshy. As the years go by, I don't miss you any less. It doesn't hurt any less either... I just forget more and more of the little moments, that, three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to forget if you paid me. I try though, joshy. I try for you. I try to pick up where you left off, and give as much energy as I can. Even though I'll never have the love you did. I'll never mean as much to people as you did, and continue to do. If something happened to me, I wouldn't have anywhere near as many people mourning me... I'd be the name in passing, in the obituaries. Another statistic, that no one would remember. Not like they do you.
God, I miss you Joshy. I need you here, wiping my tears, and holding my hand. I need you here telling me I'm beautiful... telling me that the words they said were just words... that I'm special, that I'm loved, please Joshy, anything... I just need you here....

3 years, and the pain is still here.
But luckily, so is the love, Joshy.
I love you so much....
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease
RIP
10/12/90 - 10/5/06