Pineapples!?!?!? :O

Okay, so... I was wondering where they came up with Sponge-bob's line:
"Who lives in a PINEAPPLE under the sea?"

Seriously? First a sponge and a star are besties, when they live in different parts of the ocean...
Then they say the sponge wears pants.. and lives in a PINEAPPLE, with a clarinet playing squid living in a stone head next door neighbor??? O -o

I hate a lot of things right now. Number one on the list is myself. I've become a weight on the shoulders of my "friends", and a blight on the soul of society. I've tried to make myself strong, but it has been at the cost of those around me. I don't want to rely on anyone but myself, because I feel the others will be incompetant, and I will be forced to finish it or do it over myself. I take my anger out on whoever is around me, without a care as to what they may be going through. I feel jealous of things that once would never have even penetrated my psyche. I feel hatred towards people that once I considered closer to me than my own blood family. I have thoughts that constantly circulate through my head about people I'm supposed to care about, and people I've supposedly become close to. But these... people... these... "friends" don't understand me as well as I want them to. In my mind, as wrong as I know it is, I see them as unfriends, because they can't look at me and instantaneously tell me what's going on in my own head. In truth, the reason I want them to tell me what is going on in my head is because I myself can't tell. I become dissatisfied with people quickly, and whenever the mood strikes, I make up lies to get them out of my way. And when they come into possession of something I need, or want, I make up a few more lies to get them back on my side. I use people. And then I make up some excuse as to why I'm really doing it for either their benefit, or someone else's, but never my own. I have to make myself seem like some upstanding citizen, and like an angel, but then I complain when my ass gets hit by my own bad vibes. I feel anger towards my "best friend" because she's dating the only man I'll ever truly love with everything I have. But he's admitted he hates me. He's told me he has no feelings towards me anymore. Regardless of whatever we've had, or been through, he tells me that it's gone. But then, due to "cruel and merthless gods", he cheats on his girlfriend with me. And puts up no fight, for he was the one that started it, even through my protests. But why then am I the one that feels like crap? Why does he get to keep the relationship, and I end up feeling even more useless, and whorish than I have before? I hate her so completely, and utterly, but I need her. She has been there for me though so much, and has changed my life in a great many ways. But I loathe, and despise her. I wish she weren't here. And I hate myself for that. I hate her because she has the only man I care about. And when I hint towards feelings to another guy, all of a sudden, she's had feelings for that guy for months, off and on. And even better? Of COURSE that guy has to like her. He HAS to crush on her, and want to date her. And of COURSE she has to flirt back, however subtley she thinks she is, even though she is with the best man this earth has to offer. I hate her because she thinks she's depressed, or has been through hell. She has a mom, a dad, a brother, a dog, and a white picket fence. She has family that cares about her, and she has a life that is taken care of. She has practically everything she asks for. She wasn't even a week out of her "huge" relationship, and she gets the only fucking man I care for!??!?! she has friends and family she's known her whole life. No matter how hard I fucking work, she always gets exactly what it is that I HAVE worked for. I brought her into the world of freedom, and having friends, and yet I am the one that gets put aside. My family hates me. My own father, who was once my salvation, has become the bringer of a hell far worse than that of anything I have known, with the exception of the utter pain, and destruction I felt when he chose her. I hate what I think and I hate what I do. I hate the people around me, and I hate myself worse for hating them. I trust only them, and I want to stay friends with them, but... I can't stay here because every second I watch, and listen, and know, I hurt worse than I have before. I hurt worse than if I had just known it had happend, and had left. I hate myself, because I think things about my friends I shouldn't. I think things about myself that I shouldn't. But I do. So I continute hating, and feeling immense anger. Bah. I hate that I even wrote this. Whatever. The feelings in this aren't going to be shown anymore. I'm just going to say good-bye to any emotions I've felt in the past month. Good-bye to whoever I've been for the past month. Bye.

RADiO MiX

Where were you when the world stopped turning?
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey.
Don't worry, Be happy!
I'm not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you.
When you're goin' through hell, keep on goin', don't slow down; If you're scared don't show it, you might get out, 'fore the Devil even knows you're there.
I've had my moments, days in the sun; Moments, I was second to none; Moments, when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession. If you love me, thank you! If you hate me, fuck you!
Such a lonely day, Shouldn't exist, It's a day that I'll never miss, Such a lonely day, And it's mine, The most loneliest day of my life, And if you go, I wanna go with you, And if you die, I wanna die with you, Take your hand and walk away.

Just a few lines of some of the songs that remind me of you. I hear them everywhere, and all I can do is think about it. I tried to vow it wouldn't affect me, and I tried to tell myself that I would be fine, and that my days of crying about you are done. But I lied to myself apparantly. I'm sick of it, but all I'm doing is getting sicker. I want to leave, even though that's weak of me. I don't want to tell you about what I feel, because you don't care. You said so yourself. I hate being sad over you. I wish I could just get the fuck over it. Over you. But I can't. Damn you, I can't move a day forward without falling three days behind the instant I allow a single moment of weakness into my heart. I'm jealous of all the couples I see. I'm semi-desperate to have that. To have SOMEone, ANYone there, holding me. But I know I would feel worse the instant I think that, because I know that it's not you. They wouldn't be you, and if they're not you, they're not good enough. No one ever will be. Now there's a pleasant thought. There's so much damn emotion I want to tell you, show you, but you'll never listen. There's so many questions I want to ask you, but you'll never answer. I swear to god I hate you! I hate every single damn thing about you... But I can't help but love you. >sigh<>

I know it's long. But it's not fake, and it's not a chain letter. It's me talking to you. Please do me the favor of just chugging through it...

♥
Athena


When is enough, enough? What is the difference in running away from our problems, and putting them aside for a better time? Who can we really trust? How can we decide who our real, true, honest friends are? Where are we destined to be? Why can no one answer these questions and feel confident in the answers they provide? Faith is an emotion. It is something that you must have in order to have religion; the governing force in the world. Why is there so much faith in politics, and so little in the personal lives of all humans? We are supposed to establish a seperation in church and state, but we have it backwards. Our church is in our presidency, and our politics are in between ourbedsheets as we lie next to our significant others. People die of hunger all over the world, even as they walk miles for the single bowl of rice, or water; while americans complain because gas prices are too high, so we can't drive our SUV's to the nearest Mc.Donald's and order a burger that's cold, and fries that are soggy.


I started my school career with high plans for my future. I had the most popular guy in school as my best friend, and first "boyfriend". We both had high futures, and our parents were prideful of us. Our living room walls were coated in plaques, and bright goldenrod papers that flamboyantly showed our talents and achievements. I sit here now in a one bedroom apartment that I share with my dad. We have no water, and may soon have no electricity. I'm failing 50% of my classes, and haven't applied to any colleges; nor have I exactly figured out what I'm going to do with my life. I never do homework, I'm always doing something with a friend or two, and always try to take on the weight of the world. My world at least. My friends, my family, the family I wish I had. I've let my life become overrun with the thoughts and actions of others. I no longer know who I am, or where I'm going. I've led a life full of tragedy, and loss. But I walk forward and claim to have no regrets. I don't know anymore if this is still true, or if it's just what I tell myself to make myself belive I'm stronger than I am. I do everything because I think about what everyone will see me as, and then I claim that I do it because I'm individual, and because I don't care what others think of me. I'm afraid of failure, and afraid of change. I'm afraid of people, and afraid of pain. But that's the only thing I've ever known, so how can I be so afraid of it? I'm moving onwards towards a future that resembles eerily close to what my mother had, and I am afraid of that too. I'm afraid of it because it brought her to drugs; felons; jail; "bastard" children; murder of parents; fighting among siblings; And it all is so close to me now, that I almost want to give into it. I almost want to run away from all my problems, and just start everything I know I shouldn't. So many people are already let down by me that I wonder sometimes if I can let them down anymore, or if they've already given up on me. I used to be a kind, caring companion, but I have elapsed into a cold-hearted bitch that uses people, and doesn't care that they're emotions are on the line. I've turned into a self-pitying fool who can't do anything without being afraid of losing a friend. I try and help people with all their problems, thinking that if I fix them, I'll be fixed too. But when they need me to talk to them, so they understand what I'm going through, I feel like they dont' want to deal with me. I feel like I'm losing my closest friends. I used to be able to get online, and get attacked by everyone, and everyone was eager to talk to me, and to tell me about their days. I used to be able to pick up the phone and have to hesitate because I don't know who to call first. Now I pick up the phone and hesitate because I have to figure out who I'll have the best chance to get ahold of. Who wont' hang up on me. Who won't be talking for hours on end to someone else, more important than me. Who won't make excuses because there's an awkward silence between us that never used to be there. Now the closest people I used to think were there either turn their backs on me, or can't stop talking about themselves, or can't make time to hang out anymore, or don't want anything but my body. Who won't use me? Who won't hurt me anymore than I've already been hurt? I hesitate because I know that there's no one left to call. No one left to comfort me when I really need them. I'm stuck at home with parents who still expect me to wait on them hand and foot, while still trying to pass my classes at school so I won't be stuck at home forever. I used to have so much I could do online, and places were amazing to go to because I met new people, and I got to chat with people I know physically, and could see their online selves. Now they all avoid me, and make excuses later. But everyday I smile, walk out my door, and do my best not to show too much of what I'm really feeling. I do my best not to let anyone know that for every smile they flash, every kiss they give to each other, every word they don't say; I'm thinking about what used to be, and how bright our futures together used to look, and I die a little inside every single time. Every promise that I excuse graciously, and say it's alright, it really breaks another piece of me. Every 0 I see in classes that I shake off as I meant for it to be there; one more piece of my future gets erased. For every smile and laugh and hug I give everyone, and every I'm alright, don't worry I whisper to my closest friends; I'm really begging for them to hold me close and never let go. My anger really means I need people near me, just sitting, or just doing something, anything with me to make me feel better. My happiness really means I'm hiding something painful that I would die if someone found out. My depression really means that I'm lost in thought and need a way out. But there's no one for me to turn to. There's no one willing to help me anymore, and I'm stuck. I'm alone, and trying to fight my way out of the world's battle of faith. Faith in friends, and family. Faith in myself. All the promises of "There's nothing you could EVER do to make me hate you" are broken, and replaced with "I hate you, and don't want anything to do with you". All the people I thought I could trust have been replaced with voicemails, and un-replied messages. All my extensions of friendship are replaced with "I'm busy this afternoon. How about next time?" and "I don't know if I can make it, I'm sorry", and I still just smile and say "it's okay." I'm not okay though. Please help me. I've asked every other way I can, and no one has answered the call. I'm pleading with you now, please give me a hand. I'm tired of crying every night, and pretending to sleep just to get up and fake a smiling, happy presence. I hate feeling so sorry for myself, but I beg you for help. Please...

Form Purpose Audience

The glitter of the green
and the shimmer of the blue
cast shadows on the sky
as the dragon walks with you.
"May I eat that sand?"
says the dragon to the box.
"May you may you may"
says the cardboard who has pox.
"Why, I thank you from the deepest
home of all my hopes.
Far deeper, too than all who flew
and placed the greatest popes."
"Then for that, I surely grant
you welcome for your kind.
For as I speak, I surely mean,
to give you more from mind."
"Farewell to thee
from you to me."
"Good-bye to you as well."
"I give you grace
to hold your place."
"I leave, but never to tell. "

A stranger

On my first day of school at Mary Walker, I felt very much like a stranger. I didn't know my classes, my teachers, or any of the students. I had to walk into each room and just become part of the class as nonchalantently as possible. No one knew me, so I was instantly separated from the group, and unable to escape the unfamiliar sights, sounds, and stereotypes.

Feeling excluded wasn't something I like, but it was something I was used to. Being an open-minded girl in the South, and a California-born rocker, I can understand, and better reciprocate and adjust to the feeling of exclusion.

The effect of my experience was added to the effects of my many other experiences that have accumulated over the years. I have been coast to coast, and everywhere in between, and now have a better view and appreciation for others' views, opinions, and beliefs. I wouldn't give up the knowledge I have gained, nor the unique challenges I have had to face and conquer. This experience has allowed me to better accomodate myself and those around me to allow for the least amount of controversial friction.

The Rede

The kiss of dawn was gentle, but the hold of winter was not. No souls wandered then save for a small orphan child. He knocked on doors in hopes of receiving one small gift. It didn't mean much, but it was all he wanted for Yule.


" 'Cuse me sir, could ye possibly be-"

"Bugger off! Bloody Heathens." the man said as he slammed the door.

Boy dropped his eyes and thanked the closed door.

"Ay. Blessed be to ye on this Yule."


Having reached the end of yet another street, Boy scuffed his worn blue shoes in the snow.

"Lady, please help me find my way on this dark night. Blessed be the kin to ye, and the kith to the kin."


Turning the fourth corner of the night, Boy tripped on a small bundle. Scooting over cautiously, he peered into the flap. Seeing nothing, but sensing much, he gently picked up the bundle and lifted the top layer of cloth. Inside was a leather-bound book with interesting shapes on the cover. Picking himself and the book up, he knocked on the closest door.

"Ma'am, I just be wondering if this book belongs to ye. "

He pointed to the corner and continued.

"See, I tripped just there, and thought mayhap it belonged to ye."

The young lady looked long and hard at Boy before finally opening the door wide. He looked at it hesitantly, but a strong wind came up behind him. He took the hint and stepped forward.


"Dear child, would you like some tea? It'll help with that cold of yours, surely do."

"Er, Yes Ma'am. I thank ye and send a blessing to ye Kith and Kin."

The Lady raised an eyebrow and offered his cup.

"You speak of Magicke, surely do. What knoweth thee of these ways?"

"Ma'am, I speak only what I know in my heart. No home or a house, but heart I have."

"Ye learn from no one, but speak true. Ye have a wise soul indeed, surely do."

"Ay, " Boy replied sheepishly.

"And a strong mind as well. I like ye, surely do." She said with a smile.

"I thank ye ma'am, but as not to impose upon ye, I shall take me leave. And blessed be for taking in a scoundrel like meself on such a night."

"Well, if it really be in ye heart to go, I'll let ye. But I have grown rathe fond of ye, surely do."


Boy stepped and turned around, facing the Lady. Looking her into her eyes, he sent a thought to her.
"Please ask me to stay. I'll not ask, and I'll not beg. But I too have grown fond of ye."

Lady tilted her head slightly and smirked.

"I hear ye plea. Please stay with me. I have a room ye could use, surely doo. Would ye like that?"

"Do ye mean it ma'am? I'll be sure to help with all the chores, and keep to me duties."

"I would love to have ye here, surely do."


Boy thanked her again, and bowed.

"Lady, may I ask ye a question?"

"Of course, surely do."

"What is the writing on ye book?"

"Dear child, the book now belongs to ye. It needed a new owner. I 've learned all I can from it in me own time. Now it belongs to ye, surely do."

"But ma'am, how did I come to own the book?"

"Little one, the book comes to whomever is chose by it, surely do."

"So does this book explain what I have asked meself many times?"

"It very well could, child. It has answered many questions for many people in it's time, surely do."

"So these-"

"They are called Runes, child, and they are the language that Our people have used for ages, surely do."

"Our people?"


The Lady walked over to one of the three bookshelves in the room and pulled out a large blue-bound book. She opened the cover, and the book opened to the correct page without further assistance from The Lady. With a quick scan, she found the line she wa searching for and set the book down on a table that wasn't there.

"Ay, this be the page I"m looking for, surely do. Thank ye, Book."

Turning to Boy, she looked into his eyes and pointed to where he should read.

"See here child? There be more like ye. Ye have a Magicke Soul, and a powerful one indeed, surely do."

"Lady, ma'am?" Boy inquired, nervously.

"Ay?"

"I not be knowing how to read." He replied bashfully.

"Ay? Well, if that be te case, I'll have to teach ye."

With a smile and a flourish, she waved the book back to the shelf, and continued.

"Boy, there's supper to be done, and teaching to commence. If ye wish to stay here, I wish to return ye company with lessons in the way of the Lady and Lord. We'll start on the morrow, surely do."

"Ay, Lady. Blessed be, and good sleep."

"Good sleep to ye too, surely do."

And with those final words, Boy found the gift he had been waiting for all along:

A Friend

uh hayngin'z uh cumyn

tytin yur feengurs ye flee bittin wench
eets nawt kwyt ryt wyth thu mud-trawden trench
yur tree ees too showrt
and yur rohp joost too sawft
thee mud gun joost eet uhp
yur pryz frum thee lawft
ahnd joost wun more theeng frum a' bawtum o' my hart
owr son's raypin men, ahnd yur dawters a tart

Phairytails are Phunny

wary eyes do fol
____________low the words of a song
just as brothers do
_______________guide those bards all along
never a tear should
________________be shed down your cheek
for a curse to be laid
_________________on those who are meek
yet always do happen
__________________such sad songs of pain
as ever will fall a good
__________________hail with the rain
all shadows will follow
___________________the hail in the storm
and their brothers will
___________________dawn on those of bad form
eyes of yours glisten as
___________________the shadows do wail
of lost pain and regret of
____________________all kicked the pail
beggin' a pardon as I ramb
_____________________le some more
but happily I thank ye for r
______________________eading my lore

Eyes

where has it gone
that laughter and joy?
that light in your eyes
you had as a boy?
I miss that one smile
that no one could see
it felt like you happy
was all just for me
the hiding in kitchens
and trips to the shows
are forever in cupboards
where noone will go
so many firsts in
memories we share
lost in the history
in God knows where
And oath to the devils
to curse those who though
we'd last forever with
love naught to rot.

The built in beat of a buried beggar

the resounding

Beat of

my heart

Bangs

as it

Begs for more

more of us

But you say

no, never again

Buried are days

of fun and joy

Building our

"future" and

Buying more

time

Bygones are

false and the

Brotherhood

was a lie

Baby I love

you forever

But why?

Forgiveness for a Fool

Here's a few things I've wanted to tell you, but I just don't have the guts to get them out there to you. First and foremost, there's the should-be-obvious apology. What may not be obvious however, is WHY I believe I owe you an apology. First, I'd like to apologize for being naiive in the beginning, and consequently creating frustration within yourself. I may not have known better, but I still feel as though it is of my fault that you began to get upset with me to begin with. Secondly, I want to apologize to you for lying to you. I told you in the beginning that there was nothing you could ever do to upset me, and I have been upset with you as of late, and a short while before the current time. That was more of a lie to us both, however you were hit harder by it. On that same note, I want to apologize for whatever pain I caused you in going out with Chris. I feel partially, if not wholly responsible for the loss of your brother. You two were close, or as it seemed, and once I stepped into the picture, all hell hit the fan. I can still remember the look of pain on your face one day after school; you were leaving in the car, as usual; behind the driver; and Chris was meeting me by the tree. I rushed him over, and made sure to kiss him in front of you. That was cruel of me, and I do apologize for that. Fourthly, I would like to apologize to you for not telling you the truth. I believe you deserve to know it, if you do not already...I am no longer a virgin...I gave my virginity to Chris, not too long into his and my relationship. I am still undecided as to whether I feel remorse, regret, or what other feelings about that decision of mine. I do, however, accept that it was a very poor choice on my part, and I feel extremely guilty for it. I knew deep down that I loved you when I gave that gift away so easily, and that I saw Chris as a brother only...and yet still I did not stop. You deserve better than that. I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot be with you, as much as it pains me to hold that knowledge. And I do know that I cannot follow you around your whole life, and do my best to protect you from further heartache. As much as I would love to be there for you, in the shadows, and make sure your happiness is achieved, I cannot. I don't pretend to believe that my expectation in breaking up with Chris was to be back with you. I know that what is in your best interest is for you to find someone who can care for you as I could not, and love you as you love them. I would give up my world thrice over and then some, just to see yours light up once. You've been through so many hard times, and you really don't deserve that hell that people insist on giving you. You're a good guy. You'll make a good husband, and a great father someday. I just hope your future family appreciates the little things you do, because it's those that are what make you so charming. The big gestures are nice, but make sure to stick to your little details. It's just you, and YOU are one of the smartest, sweetest, most caring man any girl could ask for. Renee and Amber were fools to let that go so easily. But, if they felt they could not handle the strength that you need, and the solid hand you need every so often to pull you back up, then it's better that they remain distanced from you. I understand that I have ruined US. Please do not let that ruin YOU Chase. The one and only thing I really regret in our relationship is that I wasn't there for you more than I was. I should have stood by your side and fought with you, not for you. I should have helped us out of the holes we were in, not dig deeper. I accept the responsibility for hurting us both, and sinking what we had. Please, with every fiber in my being, I beg you...Please forgive me for what I've done to you. Pain, hurt, regret, betrayal and lies...Please forgive me for doing that to you, doing exactly what I promised you I wouldn't. I very much love you still, and would give anything for that next chance, but, as I'm afraid, the next chance was last year...And now that's gone and over. If you forget every single word I ever told you, please know these words that I say next are the only truth you can ever trust your life with, and then some. I love you. Never to change, never to diminish. Always it will be there, okay? In those shadows of yours, I'm waiting; I will catch you when you're falling, and nudge you back up. In that heart of yours , I'm stitching; I will heal you when you're hurt. If you're going through hell, I'm right there next to you. You're always going to be a part of me, whether we both like it or not. No matter how many times I try and move on, my chest is angered to be away from you. I will always fall in love all over again when I see you, and I'll always hold you in my dreams. And don't you ever ever ever ever think that I will give up on you. Knock me down as many times as you want, I will be the one person who will get right back up and reach for you, hold you up, soothe you with words, and lend you an ear and shoulder. Please remember my words, if I ever get the guts to give this to you. And forgive me for one more thing: this was written at 6:15 a.m. on Sunday, January 27, 2008. However long until you get it, is how long it took me to decide the risk was worth it. That I was willing to risk every small thing I have of you now, and just tell you what I feel, think, and believe. You're finally speaking to me again, so please forgive me for being hesitant in giving that up so quickly...Thank you Chase...for everything.