Ahhh Winter. Today was the first real Snowfall here in Lexington, Kentucky. It was nice while it lasted, and I hope it falls heavier in time for Christmas. I honestly think that's the only thing missing from this Holiday season for me. Quick Holiday Checklist? Oh yes, I have one. :]

• Family [X]
• Tree [X]
• Presents [X]
• Stockings [X]
• Candy Canes [X]
• Christmas Music [X]
• Snow [_]

Yep, seems snow is the only thing missing for my Holiday. Everything else, I helped to make sure we had this Christmas. I bought a pre-lit tree, I brought every family member a present, and wrapped them, and put them under the tree. I bought things I KNEW they wanted, even if it wasn't on their "list". I literally spent my entire paycheck on Christmas, just so we could have one. I made $139.90, and Wal-Mart charged $3.00 to cash my check, so I had $136.90 to spend. Amount my purchases came to? $136.85. Yes, I came within .05 of spending every last penny I had. Am I sad about it? Nope. I bought my youngest sister an Easy Bake Oven like I had, and brownies to make in it. I bought my middle sister Jewelry she'd like, and a bath-kit so she can feel good after a bath. I bought my mom a bath-kit as well [she thought it was for my other sister ;)]. I bought my dad a plastic dresser, with three drawers, so he could have a place for his clothes finally. I bought my step-dad a fleece Christmas blanket, that was originally for myself, so maybe he can lose the Scrooge, and feel better about Christmas, even though his father died a few weeks before Christmas several years ago. Christmas is a big thing with our family, and I thought maybe a Christmas blanket to keep him warm would warm him up to Christmas. :]
Annnd I bought my Cats some smelly-good Kitty-Litter. I had hoped to buy them collars finally, but I didn't have enough left after everything else. :[ Maybe I'll pawn my ipod or something to finish up buying presents. ^_^
The only thing that slightly depresses me is that after getting approx $270-$280 from my checks, I wasn't able to get my snakebites. I've wanted them for so long, and came SOOOO CLOOOOOSE to getting them. But in the spirit of the Holidays, I have my family, and I hope they like their presents. Because that's all that matters to me. ^_^

Well, yesterday was certainly eventful. I woke up, sat online for a while, and found myself on YouTube, just perusing what it had to store. Clicking related link after related link, and eventually I found myself in hypnosis videos. I half-way watched this guy give an annotated weight-loss hypnosis session, and found myself drawn in. Even in the annotated version, I found myself in a trance. So, I clicked related videos, and found other hypnosis ones, that were for self help. They told me I wanted water. I wanted healthy food. Junk food despised me, tasted like bile in my throat pretty much. I wanted to exercise, I loved it. I could feel my metabolism speeding up. My lips tingled, my brain tingled, my arms and legs tingled, and my lungs breathed in and out steadily. Even having to focus enough to read what it said, I felt it working. Not fully hypnotized, but enough to make me feel the truth in the words. I COULD feel my blood speeding up and running through me, if not my metabolism. I felt my mouth water upon hearing the word "Water", and it still is. I wanted to go outside, and DO something. So, I put on a jacket, shoes, and thick pants, and set to walking. Just walking. I ended up going on a 2 mile walk, and felt great. I was going about 4mph, or 15 minutes per mile. The one time I sipped my water, it tasted so smooth, so sweet, almost like honey. And it did me for the rest of the walk. I got home, and that's all I wanted to drink. I wasn't tired the whole walk, but as I got home, that last block, I could feel that 2 miles was just what I needed. Sure, I only burned 330 calories in that walk, but my lungs felt freer, and I felt so much better. I watched a couple of movies, and crashed to sleep, which I definitely needed. Woke up, watched some more movies, browsed online for a while, then turned the computer off again, and went to bed.
Now, here I am at 2am, blogging because I'm... emotional. Not emo, not sad, not happy, just feeling a lot of things. She replied again, and actually gave me the jitters, from anxiety. Not bad enough for an anxiety attack, but I was anxious. Then, in my response, I found I had millions of things I wanted to say, but I had to condense it. Towards the end of my main paragraph, I actually found myself crying. Since this was only minutes ago, I thought I'd come blog.
I've got to call the Food Benefits Office again this morning, because I am DYING. Not joking, the weight I've gained having to eat rice and ramen [both of which require butter] is going to kill me if I can't change my diet soon. I've placed a marker in weight that I absolutely REFUSE to hit, or go over at all, even if it means I have to stop eating all together, and starve myself down. Granted, I only eat 2 times a day, sometimes only once, but it's WHAT I have to eat that's killing me.
Anyway, not really a long blog, just... wanted to jot some stuff down.

So, I was online as usual, half-heartedly flipping through all my sites, commenting here and there about different threads, and my own thread popped to the top of the list. Someone had replied in the thread I had made, to comfort people and whatnot. I read their post, and glanced above them, expecting to see my own post. Instead, I see Hers. She was talking in my thread? Mine? My heart jumped, and my hands started sweating, as I thought 'Surely she's not angry with me? I've left her alone, like she asked, so she could have time, even though I didn't want to give her space... Even though I wanted to pick her up and hug her all day...'
Instead, she was saying the opposite. And, like it or not, neither of us have been great to the other, myself included... Nay, myself ESPECIALLY.
I waited until this morning to reply, because I wanted to make sure what I said would say what I wanted. If that's confusing, too bad, that's the way it went down.
And, even though I still feel like something is missing, what's said has been said, and now I can only wait.
Wait for what?
For my Renaissance.
My Renaissance comes in a couple of weeks, so I just have to hold on that much longer. Then, everything will be better! Not great, not like I WISH it would be, but so much better. Healthier, happier, less stressful, more fulfilling. Just because the economy says I can't have the teenage life everyone else is having doesn't mean I can't have a the GOOD life everyone else is having.
My mom is supposed to be getting married, and coming home, and I'm supposed to see her, and George, and Tasha, and Crispy, and maybe even my precious Forest again... maybe.... I miss him so much..
I'll get my bass, and my books, and my Hank, and my sega, and my other clothes, and sooooo much more. I'll get more people coming over too, since there won't be seven years worth of smoke caked on everything, and ashes all over the place, and dishes and trash and... ugh.
No yelling, no conflictions, no anything horrible. Just me, my family, the adults working, the kids going to school... Just like it should be. I won't have to question when I'll get to eat, or if I'll have a home the next week, or if my cats will have food...
It will be so much better.
Just a few more weeks, even though I'm terribly impatient.
*sigh*
Just a few more...

I miss you Joshy...

Dear Joshy,

You know, you would have been 19 this week? 19, living on your own, graduated from high school, and probably having more fun in your life than you ever had before. You would have. I know you would have. You would have done a lot of things! Made even MORE friends, loved even MORE people, spread even MOOOORE love across the world. You would have helped GSA so much, you would have helped us all when we lost Jesse, and Hannah. You would have helped me when I lost everyone I cared about, and you would have laughed with me at what a fool I have been. You would have taught so much to me by now. You probably would have had your own car by now. The hottest boyfriend in town too of course ;)

But you're not. You won't ever get a car, or a license, or your own house, or a graduation diploma. You won't have the hottest boyfriend in town, because you won't have another boyfriend again. Ever. You won't get to say another word, give another hug, share another laugh. You won't. You can't. We remember your hugs, and words, and smiles, because we have pictures... videos... memories... But those can't last forever. Time has a habit of taking away the videos, fading the pictures, and distancing us from the memories, because they hurt. You weren't there when we all needed your laugh. You weren't there when we all fell down. You weren't there.. You won't ever BE there again. I sit outside all the time, just to feel the breeze. To feel you. I talk to you, but can you hear me? Do you hear me where you are, when I tell you my secrets? When I tell you my fears? Can you hear my tears, wherever you are? Feel how lonely I am? Can you? You asked me in my kitchen if I trusted you... do you believe me now? I trust you, more than I trust anyone. I tell you everything, I tell you my dreams, and wishes, hopes and aspirations... Then I tell you everything else, I tell you my fears, and nightmares, my worries, and hatreds...

You left so many questions unanswered. So much uncertainty. Every question only makes new ones, they never have answers. I used to say everyone should be JUST like you. But there's no way I would ask anyone to do that now. You held pain, and regret, and fears, and then you took yourself away from us forever, for a problem, or problems, that were so MINOR, so temporary! Death, as I"m sure you've noticed by now, is a very permanent thing. You only had TWO YEARS before you were 18, and could have shoved off of anyone you wanted. Now, you would be turning 19, and be well on your way!!! But you couldn't wait... Such a tiny amount of time. You couldn't even wait until you turned 16? Just a few more days, and you would have had a spectacular party! You would have known just how much we all loved you... STILL love you, if our tears are anything to go by. I can't use my old myspace anymore, but don't worry Joshy baby. You're still my number one! And I'm still your number 4, but I'm there! You cared about me, and you put me there, where I was special. I was thrilled. But now I'm too depressed when I look at that myspace. I see when you were last there, and I know I'll never get excited again, to see that online now icon pop up, telling me you finally were able to get online. I'll never be able to close my eyes and feel your hands put on my eyelashes, and makeup. I'll never get to see you twirl around for me in a skirt, and ask me how you look. I'll never get to see you sneak a cig in your room, with sage and incense lit. Or bend over your tub while you help me bleach my hair. So many things, Josh, I'll never get to have again. I won't get that trust we had. That bond we shared. I won't ever find that again. I will forever regret that when you left, you were mad at me. We were mad at each other, and over such a STUPID thing. You taught me so much, even when you left. But you could have taught me so much MORE if you had only stayed!! If you had waited just a few months, you would have seen me as I came home from Washington. You would have seen me as I was with the man of my dreams, the man you kept telling me to go for, but I just couldn't. You would have been there to hold my hand as I held up people as we were all reeling from the loss of Jesse, and then Hannah. You would have been here to see my sisters, and how beautiful they are. You would have been here to see me graduate, even though I didn't get to walk. You would have been here...
But you're not, and god damnit I miss you so much. I usually talk about you, and how wonderful you are, and hold back every tear that threatens to take me over, because I know you would want it to be that way. You wouldn't want us to be weak without you, but be strong with ourselves. But remembering how cold your hand was... your face was... seeing how long that line was, and thanking people as they let me in front of the entire line, so I could see you one last time... so I could touch your face, and your hair, and hold your hand, and hurt inside because that warmth you radiated wouldn't ever be there again....
I say I'm strong, but I'm so weak, so damn weak...
I miss you so much Joshy. As the years go by, I don't miss you any less. It doesn't hurt any less either... I just forget more and more of the little moments, that, three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to forget if you paid me. I try though, joshy. I try for you. I try to pick up where you left off, and give as much energy as I can. Even though I'll never have the love you did. I'll never mean as much to people as you did, and continue to do. If something happened to me, I wouldn't have anywhere near as many people mourning me... I'd be the name in passing, in the obituaries. Another statistic, that no one would remember. Not like they do you.
God, I miss you Joshy. I need you here, wiping my tears, and holding my hand. I need you here telling me I'm beautiful... telling me that the words they said were just words... that I'm special, that I'm loved, please Joshy, anything... I just need you here....

3 years, and the pain is still here.
But luckily, so is the love, Joshy.
I love you so much....
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease
RIP
10/12/90 - 10/5/06

Ahhhh Humans.
The ruling species, right? Why? What have we done for the planet, as rulers, that the dinosaurs couldn't do? Eukarya animalia chordata mammalia primates hominidae homo sapien is what we are, or, in english:Our cells have a nucleus, we cannot produce our own food, we have a backbone, we have live birth, and carry milk, we have opposable thumbs, walk upright, are all the same, and are wise, or sentient. I'd like to know who decided to classify us like that. We are NOT wise, nor are we all the same, and neither are we the carriers of backbones. We are a weak, prideful, disoriented race that cannot agree on anything, and sees every individual as different. We take, and take, and never want to give back, which ends up killing more of us than any other idea on the planet. We are not happy with ourselves until we make others unhappy, and we cannot take care of one planet, but we insist on trying to find others. We're trying to find new toys and inventions to use, like cars, and trains, and planes, and weapons of mass destruction, and destruction of fossil fuels, and creation of solar, electric, and hydrogen energy. But, we cannot seem to fix the one economy, in one country, or eliminate a single illness that kills billions per year, or even eliminate something as meager as homelessness in a third world country less in mass than the average Nation-state. We have managed, however, to singlehandedly cause the most destruction on this planet. More damage has been caused by the human race living, than by a meteor crashing onto the planet, and wiping out all life forms on the planet at the time in seconds. We have managed to cause more damage in the past 100 years on the planet, than has ever been done on the planet in several billion years. Plague has not wiped out as many people as one war has, and Plague is supposed to be one of the great apocalyptic ends.
So, why are we dominating the planet? Because of our thirst for domination. That is the sole meaning behind the existence of the human race. Think about it. What is war for? Domination. One country or province must prove it is better than another. Or others. Politics? Domination. NASA? Domination. Industrialization? Domination. Social class? Domination. Celebrities? Domination. Clubs/Organizations? Domination. Gangs? Domination. Police Force? Domination. Sex? Domination. Punishment? Domination. That's all we want, isn't it? We want to Dominate. To be better. To be on top. To show we are worthy of pride, and lust, and gluttony. Even Religious Zealots have it all wrong. They want Domination too! Going to church, recruiting people to the cause, donations to the pot, praying to win the lottery, proclaiming all the world a sin, and that they alone will reach the Holy Land. D.O.M.I.N.A.T.I.O.N.
And what comes of Domination? Fear.
Fear if loss, of failure, of inability, of not being good enough, of being DominatED.
And it's these things that cause us to crave domination even more, which causes us to fail in the end.
The human race as a whole needs to stop, take a breath, and look at itself. If every country just kept to itself, nobody would have any problems. If every country were made inable to lie, everyone would be happy. Everything would be sorted.
But they can't. Because WE can't.
Humans have to Dominate, remember?
*sigh*

I find myself thinking about you even more lately.
Now, normally, I would say, "I have no idea why, but I can't get you out of my head lately."
But, this time, I know why. I know what's keeping me from forgetting you.
It's the people I talk to, they're all connected back to you, somehow. Or, they talk about you in some way. Or better yet, BOTH. Then, of course, there's hearing stories of lost loves, and painful heartaches, and I can't help but remember us. What we were, what we had, who we were. How... How everyone thought we would make it to the end, and then the only place we are in the end is further away, and you've got the biggest cheerleader we had as a couple, in my stead.
I thought seeing you happy would make me happy, but it doesn't. Not when it's with her. I love that you're happy, and I DO get some satisfaction out of that. But, at the same time, I'm sitting here alone, everyone taken away from me, every song, every smile, they all make me think of you. I thought I'd be able to move on, but even when I do, you're still surrounding me, at every corner.
You represent so much to me.
I've yet to decide if that's good or not.
But you represent music, and love, and honesty, and trust, and friendship, and life, and laughter, and time, and forever.
And without you here to tell me to buck up and try harder, I feel like I have nothing to try for.
Sure, everyone else tells me what you used to, but it doesn't mean as much. It's just not the same thing. Without you here to smile when you see me, or talk to me on the phone, or surprise me with a visit, I don't feel like I'm worth anything anymore. Without your hand next to mine, as my best friend, I feel like a blindfolded idiot, walking around in a lit room. I have every ability to see, but I'm blinded from hurt.
I wish you weren't on my mind as much. For so many months, I had you blocked. I had that pain blocked, I had... I had so much laughter, and self worth. But now, now that you're there again, it's like... All those words you said to me are recycled, going around and around over and over again in my head, making me dizzy. I don't trust the "I love yous" you said, because of things she would tell me you said. Would you lie to me? After we've known each other for so long? After we were so close? So GODDAMN close? Or would you lie to her... Your "love", your girlfriend? You've only really known her as long as you've been dating, but does that matter to you?
All those things you said about me... to me, behind my back, all of it... Why can I see THOSE as truth, but the beautiful things you said as you held my hand and smiled... Why can't THOSE be real? Why can't I remember those??
I have no best friend anymore, nobody I can trust. James and Grace come in at the top, but that's not enough. I can't trust anyone like I trusted you. I can't love anyone like I loved you. I can't listen and enjoy music, like I did with you. Every bite I eat, every song I listen to, every step I take, I hear you in my head. I scratch my neck, and I think of you. I pick something up off the floor with my black painted toes, and I think of you. When you pulled your sock off to painted toesies. How I giggled. How you hid them real quick when someone came in. I hear oblivion, or I put my 360's music acid trip background on in the dark, and I remember sitting with you. Sneaking in, laying with you, having you give me part of the pillow, so you could snuggle behind me. Watching you fall asleep from exhaustion, then feeling sad to have to wake you up to leave, so I wouldn't get you in trouble, that kiss good-bye, walking home on the dew chilled morning with a huge sleepy grin on my face, sneaking in the house and crashing on my bed... smiling. I listen to Lady Sov, and remember singing with my mom on the way to your house. I eat McDonalds, and I remember snaking our arms around the chair, to link fingers secretly. I remember your double cheeseburger orders. I remember snorting hot cheeto with you, and having to clean it out of our noses with tears rolling from a combination of laughter, and searing pain. I remember watching HappyFeet in the theater, and fighting the urge to touch your legs, as they were crossed in front of me; fighting the urge to take your hand, so afraid you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if I did. So afraid that if I told you I loved you, you would run away; Playing Deer Hunter with you, and totally OWNING you with the pump shotgun. Walking around Fayette mall afterwards, and watching you climb the wall, and walk all the way around the edge. Standing on the corner, up by target, and hearing you say you could jump down easily, and not believing you could, just because I was terrified you would be hurt. Laughing as you spit all the way to the street, blushing as you asked me to sing for you. Nervous and touched when you were so hyper, and your mom picked us up. God, I miss her so much! I just couldn't be there without hurting, even thinking of the smell of your house, of you, of your room, it hurts.
But I remember always coming home with little red fuzzies EVERYWHERE. Even days after going to your room, I'd have them all over the place. I remember laying next to you at night, sleeping so warm, so comfy, so safe, with your arm around me. Curling up on Matt's floor, neither of us in comfortable positions, but not willing to move, just so we could stay next to each other. Your hands, your smile, your eyes, your touch on my face wiping tears away...
We had so much love, so much affection, in such a short amount of time. When I talk of all the memories, or think about them, there's YEARS worth, in just a few months. Then you count all the years of friendship, and it seems longer. So many more memories I want to write down, in case I forget them, but... we both know I could never do that. I'll never be able to forget them.
But I do have to wonder, what have YOU done with our memories?
Do you ever think about them? Compare them to now? Is she really that much better than me? Do I even matter anymore? DID I ever matter at ALL? What about prom, do you still have the ticket, or the pictures, or the frame? Or did you throw those out too? Maybe you burned them like the other pictures. Is that what you did? Did you want to hurt me, is that what we were about? Getting close to me, so you could destroy everything I am? Ruin every happy memory I thought I had? Were you using me to get to her the whole time? How much of US was really you watching HER?
God, So many questions, that will never get asked, or answered.
Hell, I can't even get a hello out of you it seems.

Love always,
Your "Thena"
Oh. And if you HAPPEN to still have this link, and are reading this...
I don't give a damn what you think, or feel when it comes to this... For me, Mimes will always be there. I'm so sorry, but they will...

It's up to you, as to whether or not you believe my sentiments, but I really do understand where you're coming from. If what I say seems harsh, I don't intend for it to. I'm trying to show you what there could be in your life, if you're willing to open up your ears, and listen for a minute.

I couldn't ever understand the loss of a parent, but I have lost many pets in my time, and many more friends.
There are no two situation alike in the world, so no one can ever understand exactly how you feel in this place and time, because they were never in that place and time, with those people, doing those things. But you have to understand that when people tell you they feel where you are coming from, they're as unsure of what to say as you are. You say you don't know what to say to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of them not believing you. Then you say that they won't believe you, because you were never up front with them before.
If you want them to believe you now, you have to make them see who you are. I truly hope you believe me when I say I KNOW how hard it is to open yourself up to the world, and expose your deepest feelings, your darkest thoughts, and your scariest memories, when you're utterly terrified of being rejected MORE. I've been teased my entire life too, from the time I was 8, until now. I'm STILL teased, and called names, but they've stopped hurting. I've had to deal with going to school with vinegar in my hair, and oil, and chemicals, because my mother couldn't get rid of a lice infestation. I walked through those jokes. Several years later, the infestation was back, after spending a year living in a homeless shelter with my mom and sister, and after months of treatment to no success, I had to cope with having every single one of my 14 inches of hair shaved off, and hear the laughs and scoffs behind me as I went into the girls bathroom. "Omg, that's a GIRL?!" "Lookit that dyke, bet she's gonna rape some kids in there."
So please, believe me, I understand the ridicule, especially for my weight, too. But the one thing you should know, if you have passed them off as nonsense, is that old sayings may sound stupid when you're young, and cynical... But they hold so much more truth than they are given credit for.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is the best one for this paragraph. Sticks, and Stones, and Knives, and Guns kill far more people than a few personal jokes, or pointed fingers. If you let them know they're hurting you, it will hurt you more, because you will live in fear of those jokes. Instead of running away from them, STOP. Turn around. Face them. Don't threaten the jokers, don't throw insults back. All this amounts to is more pain, that could end up being physical. Instead, throw their OWN jokes right back at them. If they call you fat, Grab your stomach, or thighs, or arm and say something stupid. Like a quote from Santa Claus, and say "A little fat? Does this LOOK like a little fat to you??"
They'll laugh with you, and you will get carried away with the laughter and end up able to laugh at yourself, which is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

As far as your psychological problems are concerned, remember that they are just that. Psych. The best old saying for this, is "Mind over Matter".
If you want to think scientifically, your brain controls EVERY part of your body. Every feeling, emotion, and movement is nothing more than an electrical impulse, charged through the body by the brain. So, if you have control of your brain, you will have control over your feelings, your emotions. When you're feeling most depressed, stop, and think logically.
Step outside of your mindset, and picture what you would look like, if you were a stranger sitting next to you.
Nervous Wreck?
Depressed?
Angry?
Dangerous?
You have to think about how the world would look at you, before you think about how the world will see you. They have to take a good long look before they see ANYthing. Make sure you can understand where they are standing, and you'll come a long way in understanding why they're at a loss for words.

"I understand" is nothing more than saying they understand the meaning you are trying to convey. It can be an empty sentiment, or it can be an emotional bond. It's up to you whether or not you accept that extention as a hand up, or a shove away.
"I know" is more what someone would say if they truly knew how you felt. If someone says that, ask them to elaborate, if they are able. Sometimes the strongest bonds are made from grief. Two or more people that look each other in the eyes, and connect on the grounds of common loss have nothing more to lose. With that, they become rungs on the ladders to each other's healing process.

So, while no one will know EXACTLY how it feels to lose their father at 6, and have promises broken at such a young age, and to be bullied... neither will anyone have lived life EXACTLY as you did.
No one will be able to help you until you can see that.

I've already written more than probably any of you are going to read, but at you specifically at least Moon Dragon, I want to extend a hand, and welcome you to my world. I want to show you what I have healed from, and show you how I have healed. I want to let you explore the land I keep my heart, soul, and feelings locked up in, and show you the safeguards I have in place.
But I can't do anything until you are willing to step out of your own life, and open your eyes, and heart, and MIND to all the other options there are.

I'm not saying I'm a ball of sunshine, and daisies, or that I poop rainbows in my free time. Not by far. I have my moments that I look around and see all the different ways I could kill myself, and make it look like an accident. All the thoughts mulling in my head, like "Who would honestly miss me?" and "Who would visit me if I were sick, and dying, in the hospital?"
But I AM saying that I can help you put all those aside for the rainy days, and build something out of them.

If you think no one will care, think about WHY they wouldn't care.
Set aside your ego and pride, and think logically.... What have YOU done, that they would feel lost if they lost you?
If you don't think of anything, maybe it's about time you started GIVING everyone a reason to miss you. The more you do it for them, the more they'd miss you in their lives, the more complete you will feel, and the happier the days will look.

My friends and I started a GSA Club in a very homophobic high school, to represent the Minority. Day of Silence, RAINN, etc.
In this GSA, we thought of ways to memorialize our gay friend who had killed himself just DAYS before he turned 16. Why? Of course we don't know. All we know is he was bullied and mistreated, in home and at school, since he was born; and that the night he died he fought with his dad about DYING HIS HAIR; and that the entire school was quieter without him. We decided on a memorial garden AT school, to pay respects to in our free time, and motivate us, and be a tool to teach in biology classes, and give us something to do with our time. Hundreds of volunteers showed up every day during the summer, every saturday during school time, and worked the fingers to the bone, in hot summer months even, to come together and make a vision a reality. People came from all around the county, the state, and even a California news crew came out to film us, and interview myself, and another girl who had worked from day one with me, and a few others, for the garden. A boy in GSA asked his mother to help us, and she agreed. A few weeks later he was killed from injuries sustained from a car accident on the way to school... on the Day of Silence. The girl the California film crew interviewed with me died from a car crash the next year. But we all stand proud together, and continue to work at the garden, and share lunch together every saturday we are able, to pay respects to each other, and our mutual losses.

So, I DO know what it feels like to hurt like you do.
But the best advice I can give you is open yourself up.
Tell everyone EXACTLY how you feel, and make sure your feelings are known, and not walked over.
Be straight, upfront, and demand respect for the things you do.
The pushover is never remembered, but the leader is, so just stand up for what you believe, and do what you know makes YOU happy.
And, most importantly, that grief will NEVER go away, as I'm sure you're well aware of. But what you DO with that grief can make things better, or make things worse. BUILD on that grief. Help others, show you care, turn things around. It's all up to you, and the ball is in YOUR court.