Happy New Year's Eve, or Final Day of the Year, however you call it.
2009 has not been my best year. I have to admit, it's been one of the worst. Not the absolute worst, that was probably 2006, 2007, or... no, I think 2008 was the worst for me. The most grief I have ever had to endure was 2008, and I'm quite thankful it's behind me. But 2009 was pretty damn rough as well. I'd like to take this time to flashback and look at how I remember 2009 for me, and those immediately around me. 

January 2009
1st- I rang in the New Year with my Mom, Step-Dad, Two Sisters, Dog, and my Step-Dad's friend, at the Closet-Bedroom-Apartment.
16th- We celebrated my youngest sister's birthday at the same apartment. As I carried her cake into the living room, I hit the ledge with the cake, taking a chunk of it off, and the whole cake landing on the floor; Luckily, it was right side up. AJ was here for that, and myself, and my two sisters, and my mom, and my step-dad.
I think it was the end of January, beginning of February, that we had a nice snow-storm, in which I took a LOT of wonderful pictures.


February 2009
Snow storm continued, Sara and I took a lot of awesome winter pictures.


March 2009
My mom, youngest sister, and step-dad left for Washington State, taking the dog with them. Saying good-bye was very difficult, for myself, and everyone else involved.
30th- Matt's birthday. I didn't get to celebrate it with him this year :\



April 2009
My mom's birthday month, and she wasn't here for me to say Happy Birthday to her.


May 2009
Sara, Chase, and many others graduated High School finally. Lots of celebration went on, and I still couldn't make it to see Sara walk, as Chase opted out.
14th- AJ's 19th birthday. Yayyy!



June 2009
1st- Blogged about this day. Got my 360 and ipod! XD

15th- Sara and Chase made it to One year of dating. 
I didn't get to hang out with a lot of people this month, they were all involved with either their significant others, or other friends. I remember pretty much loathing this entire month honestly.
I did, however, become slightly obsessed with Rob Pattinson's music, and it brought me out of a serious time of depression. I started smiling again. Real, honest to god, smiles.



July 2009
4th- The day was rainy, and spent doing just about nothing. No parade, and no fireworks this year. My dad finally drove me down the street a bit to try and see the fireworks, but between the rain, and the trees, we couldn't see anything, and so we came home. I posted a blog about the day.
5th- Blogged about this day.


August 2009
1st- My 19th birthday. Wasn't so hot. My birthday isn't a day to celebrate for me, not after my 2008 fiasco. It just depresses me when the 1st comes along now, and even more so that I was in my final "teen" year.
10th- Mar-Mar's 14th birthday. I think she enjoyed not being 13 anymore honestly.


September 2009
11th- September 11th. Hard to believe it'd been 8 whole years since the Twin Towers fell.
14th- My babies turned one whole year old! Time has FLOWN this year, seriously.

17th- Chase's 19th birthday. Tough to get through, just because I'd have liked to have been there, and told him "Hey, Merry Birfday :3", but I couldn't. So, hard day of course.
September, I had a "boyfriend" kind of. I though I had an escape from my life, someone to share life with, however menially. I knew it wouldn't be a LONG relationship if it worked, but I liked the guy, and he apparently liked me. But, we agreed we acted on impulse, and it was blown to dusty bits, if it had ever been anything to blow on.
20th- Blogged about it.
24th- Blogged about my life in general.
27th- Blogged about what was on my mind at the time.


October 2009
1st- Blogged about a life theory.
5th- Joshie's birthday. He would have been 19. Blogged about it.
9th- Blogged. Began the first few steps towards making up with Sara.
10th- Blogged about hypnosis. Felt rejuvenated for the first time in ages.
31st- Halloween. Took Marissa around the blocks a few times for some candy. Thought Sara wouldn't be home, took a shortcut down her street to Becky's house, saw her AND chase... My chest hurt, and I nearly had a panic attack, so Marissa and I walked as fast as possible past the house, and around the corner. Marissa and I walked with Matt to McDonald's to eat, then got picked up and taken to Rocky. Jerk at Rocky made Matt leave, and I felt like shit. I felt like it was my fault, that I could have, SHOULD have done something more for him, to make him feel better. Megan came too, and Jess, and Barnett. Devan danced, and was amazing as usual. Megan got up on stage! Bitter-sweet night. Had a lot of fun, but desperately missed Matt.


November 2009
1st- Rocky again, man I was wiped at the end of the day! Went alone this time, AJ, George, Kyle, and Ryan met up with me though. First time seeing AJ in a WHILE. He looked great, but my chest hurt because I knew he wasn't staying in Kentucky much longer. Stupid Marines. Josh Clifton was there, and was drunkenly flirting. But it was nice talking to him. Never really had a conversation with him before, so it was nice. He's a lot better than I'd always heard lol. Came home and like, died.
7th- Colleen Owen shot herself... I found out the next day.
8th- Beside myself, after finding out Colleen died. My day was spent crying, and I even went to the park, where Sara consoled me. It was kind of awkward, having only seen her so many times I could count on one hand. But it was nice.
9th- Chris came over to console me about Colleen too. I really enjoyed him being there, even though he didn't stay long. Been a long time since I'd seen him, as well.
10th- Marissa is in a relationship with a boy! I hear a lot about him, his name is Lee McKnight. :]

26th- Thanksgiving. I got what I wanted for the Holidays! My family came home finally. My mom, sister, and Step-Dad came home! They left the dog in Colorado though, which I was very upset about. My youngest sister had grown up so much! Her head nearly came up to my neck!! Thanksgiving didn't have much food, and wasn't ready until late that night [11pm] but it was worth it. I was beyond happy that I had my family back finally.


December 2009
Ahhh the final month. I can happily say I'm glad it's over. So much, so much, so much.
Started work at Amazon.com as a Picker. My rates were top notch for the first few days. I had to constantly be told to take a break, or lunch, and that I'd have time when I had a break to do more. Also the month I was "fired" or "quit", not sure yet how it is. But after a work-related injury [that I'm STILL feeling] I had to take a couple of days off of work, and during those days, the company I worked for [Belcan Staffing] wouldn't answer their phones, and their voice-mailbox was constantly full, leaving me unable to leave a message stating I couldn't come in for work. Turned in my badge upon picking up my second check.
1st- Chris's birthday. He had a party, I wasn't invited, or even told about it, by him at least.
4th- Sara's birthday. She had a good time I think.

19th- Blogged about Christmas.
20th- Finally blogged about Colleen, after avoiding blogging all of November.
24th- Christmas Eve! I'm so excited! Blogged a HUGE blog XD
30th- Blogged about my and my sister's Facebook Name Change.
31st- This blog! Blogging about the end of the year.


My hopes for the New Year?
My Chinese horoscopes are looking good. Year of the Tiger, which gets along WELL with the Horse, my sign. It's a Yang year, just as I am the Yang Symbol [the Yang of the Yin-Yang sign of completion]. The year's element is Metal, which is my own element. Looks to be a year for looking up! Since the forecast so to speak for 2009 turned out almost exactly as it had said, I'm glad my 2010 is looking up. :]
Maybe now I can finally have a year with no grief. A break in the streak. 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. Maybe the decadial turn is going to turn my luck. I certainly hope so. Here's hoping, and wishing, and praying, and living on. <3 Rest in Peace Colleen, and Happy New Year to you, Hannah, Jesse, Josh, Grammy, and Grampa. <3 I think of you guys all the time.

 

[Exerpt from a Facebook Note]

[My sister changed her name to Marissa O'Day-Daciana]

[I changed my own name to Athena Hacker-Daciana]

You may have noticed my sister and I have adjusted our names a bit.
Thought you might like an explanation.

Growing up, I'd always clarify that my sisters were not indeed, my sisters.
They were mere HALF sisters. Half mother-of-mine, as I had her first, and half foregin-DNA that I desperately wanted clarified as NOT my relations.
But I've always thought of them as my sisters regardless.
I've protected them with my own self without question, because they were after all, mine.
My half-sisters, my blood, my Family.

I was on my sister's page, commenting [a lot] on some [a lot] of the pictures she had just uploaded [there were a lot of them], when it really hit me. Who would know, without knowing us first, that we were related? We don't have the luxury of looking remotely alike, in spite of the fact we share a LOT of features.
And unless you've been around us when we're together, and seen how we play off of each other, you wouldn't know our personalities were near carbon-copies of each other. So, how would someone know we were family? We each carry our Paternal Family's name, but we were still FAMILY, and I wanted people to KNOW it. Most other countries pride themselves on their family names, have crests, and icons, and heritage.
So, fashion a new name it was. But, what to choose?
Choosing a name isn't easy, especially when it's not just for yourself, it's to represent not just YOU, like a fondly placed nickname does, but a group of you's. A group of people that can see you with Cockatoo hair, and pants all disheveled, and drool dried to your cheek, and not have a care in the world about it all.

So, I started thinking. What kind of name incorporates our Familial aspects?
Ask anyone CLOSE to us, and we're always at each other's throats.
But just as easily as we're upset, we're calmed, like tempered steel. Molten and malleable one minute, cold as ice and hard the next, and easily back again.
We're proud of our Native American ancestry, so of course we'd have to incorporate that.
But we're one of the closest families you can find.
All we wanted for Christmas was to have a Christmas with each other. None of us really wanted to open presents, we wanted to see presents opened. We worked hard as a Family to make sure Christmas happened, however trivially, and positively glowed on Christmas morning, no-snow and all.
Wolves.

So, I found a name that flowed well with our existing names, and asked Marissa if she would be interested in my idea, and she pointed out the same name I had in mind, before I even told her I liked that one.
Daciana.

So, there you have it Facebook Friends. [I just realized I used the word "so" in this note as often as I use "lol" normally haha]
That's the where why and when concerning the name change. <3

Ahhh Christmas Eve, FINALLY! No hint of snow, even at this time of night, so I think we will not have a White Christmas this year. BUT everything else on my afore-mentioned checklist seems to be in order, including MOAR presents kudos to ma mère et mon beau-père, and mon père even bought my sisters a little somethin' somethin'. Due to one of them sitting next to me as I type this, I can't say exactly what just yet, but they'll love it. I know they will haha, since it was on both of their lists I believe. Maybe. One of them for sure lol. We were all offered the chance to open one present tonight, and Marissa and I objected, where everyone else was a unanimous and emphatic resounding... Yes. Of course haha. Marissa and I wanted more presents to open tomorrow, so you be the ultimate decider of whether we are the greedy ones or not ;].
My dad got the internet turned back on with 14 minutes to spare before they closed for the WEEK and weekend. My mom said over the din of the computer playing Smashing Pumpkins' "Zero" that it was back on now, and I spazzed and went to Kofk.de [Kingdom of Knuffle] to collect my daily prize, seeing as how I've now missed two of 24 and did not want to further put myself in the hole. Then I hit Roliana for the daily item there, until it dawned on me... Farmville gifts are openable now! [Okay, so, My mom might have SORT of maybe hinted [[told]] me that they were openable >_>"] So I went and cleared out my hundred-and-some-odd-number of presents, and re-organized my entire farm. I harvested and sold just about all of my animals. Well, I harvested them all, and sold any that were not event-oriented, limited, rare, special edition, or hard-to-come-by. Because I know I'll get them all over again in no time. I accidentally divided my farm with Christmas Ornament Trees, and decided to run with it. Now half of my farm is Autumn/Thanksgiving and half of my farm is Winter/Christmas. I'm quite happy with the turnout.
For supper, my dad ordered Two Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizzas from Domino's, a 2-Liter of Coca Cola, a 2-Liter of Sprite, and a batch of free Cinna-Stix. Great supper idea, and came to $39.92, tax and delivery charge included, so we paid $40.00 to the driver/deliverer. I opened the first box to dish everyone their share, and as I'm pulling two pieces out for my mom, what do I behold with mine own eyes? Mushrooms. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Mushrooms, as do my step-dad, dad, and sister. But my mom is allergic to them, and highly to boot. So I'm like "Ohhhhh..... *cricket cricket*.. Crap, there's Mushrooms!!!" 
My mom says "It's fine, I'll have Ramen or something, you guys go on and eat."
But how can I consciously eat a Philly Cheese Steak Pizza, knowing how much my mom loves Philly Cheese Steak!? So, I offer to call them back and ask to exchange the un-touched pizza for one without Mushrooms, since one of us is allergic, and she says no and that it's fine.
But, I can't even dish myself knowing 5 of us would be eating Delicious Philly Cheese Steak Pizza and Soda and Cinna-stix, while my mom was stuck washing things to cook with, cooking her own dinner, and eating Ramen Noodles of all things, and on Christmas Eve! So, disregarding her wishes [because I can already feel how awful she's feeling about having to be stuck with Ramen while we enjoy and engorge ourselves on Pizza] I call Domino's back, and explain what happened honestly, and tell them we've not even opened the second pizza, since it's the same as the first; Which we hadn't. I explain a second time to the Manager, and he says that it's alright, and it won't cost anything, not even a delivery charge! Not believing my luck, I explain to everyone, and they're in amazement. Sadly, mon beau-père has to wait to eat, since Myself, my sisters, and my dad, have already dished and devoured the first pizza. I offer mon beau-père my two pieces, saying I'm more than happy to wait, and eat off the non-mushroom pizza with ma mère. He refuses, and I repeat more than thrice is he sure, I REALLY don't mind. Finally giving up, I settle down and eat my two pieces.
Half an hour later, we're discussing just not handing the pizza to them, because [in the words of mon père and mon beau-père] "It's just going straight in the trash when they get there anyway, why not keep it?"
I explain that, "I've already said we're exchanging the pizza for pizza, and that it's the honest thing to do. It's Christmas Eve, we shouldn't be contemplating the ripping-off of an already more than wonderful establishment, that has granted us a re-do on a pizza for free." 
The person arrives, and I hesitate... To offer the exchange, or not to offer the exchange?
My honest side gets the better of me, and I pick it up and open the door. 
I carefully offer it up to the delivery man, and he shakes his head, saying, "No-no, it's alright, Happy Christmas! You guys keep it!" and he hands over the non-mushroom pizza.
I say emphatically, "Thank you so much! You as well!!!" and close the door, smiling.
Honesty paid off! We got a free [including delivery and everything!] Large Philly Cheese Steak Pizza!
I come in, and exclaim the news to my family, and everyone's eyes widen in surprise, having apparently not entirely believed we'd get to keep the original pizza. 
I rub in mon père's face that "See? Honesty paid off!!"
Back in the kitchen, as I'm dishing my mom her NON allergenic pizza, my dad comes rushing in, claiming that "Well, you didn't exchange it, so we would have kept the pizza anyway!"
Of course he has to come back, that is his way after all haha.
Soooo back to the present opening, My dad opened his first present, and it was more socks, carefully picked as replacements for all of his, as I would liken his current ones to... Swiss Cheese so far gone it's ashen, but has miraculously retained it's holey hold. Mon beau-père got two T-Shirts from Hot Topic, which are AMAZING. The first is black, and has shiny decor on the front. The second made me think back to my ex, Chase. It was a white shirt [which he has taken a liking to in the past year] with felt/velvet gothic angel/demon wings on the front, among other graffiti-like graphics [which gave me Chase's punk-vibes]; But the most striking image that struck the deepest chord? A single word, really. But as with many words for me, it struck just such a chord, that it was like a harmonic. A note within a note within a note in a single song. Vengeance.
Really, it's not such a bad word, nor does it pop up often in much of my imagery. Not in it's original form anyway. But it's flip-side does, and it's original meaning is apparent. Sngnev ringing any bells? It should. It's Vengeance phonetically backwards. Ven-Gince. Vengns. Sngnev. Beginning to get the picture, eh?
*apathetically sour nodding*

But in the spirit of Christmas, I just voiced that "THAT is something I'd like to get Chase for Christmas! *Laughs Jovially*"
Annnd My youngest sister, Natasha, was the third and last to open an early present. She got a purple T-Shirt from Hot Topic, that has all the characters of "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it looks AMAZING. 

And now, as I wrap up this particular entry, it's quarter to 1AM on Christmas Morning, and I'd like to save some room for today's blog that is SURE to come. I love you all, and wish you all the most warm and wonderful Happy Holidays and New Years! Hopefully you all are with family and loved ones, and are full of the blissful winter spirit. <3

I realized just a little while ago, that I have yet to talk on the subject of Colleen.
I met her in our freshman year of high school, in Science class. I won't forget my first impression of her, and how I hated her; And how rapidly that impression changed. I thought she was just another prep, that was sure to pick on me even MORE, and I didn't want to have anything to do with her. And the fact that she came in one day with black nails only served to fuel my figurative fire, since that struck me as a very un-preppy thing to do. It felt like she was mocking me, and my friends, who wore the typical black of the "rebels". After being paired up with her several times for projects, and sitting next to her, and not wanting to seem rude, I felt like the rude one for judging her. She was utterly amazing. Super nice, super cute, super smart, and I was SUPER jealous.
I regret not delving into the possible friendship I had right there, and I'm absolutely positive it won't be the last.
Well, anyway.. On November 7th, Colleen shot herself...
Not sure what was the cause really, no one ever really is after a suicide...As we all learned the hard way with Joshy.
The speculation is that while vacationing in Greece with a friend/some friends, her parents split, which hit Colleen very hard, as she was a very family-oriented person. Then, upon her return, she moved in with her boyfriend, and started putting her life back together. But then, either on November 6th, or November 7th, her boyfriend broke up with her, and left her at their apartment to cry while he went off to party.
It was then, or shortly thereafter, that she took HIS gun and ammo, and shot herself in the head.
I did what I could to comfort her mother via Facebook [I DID mention I didn't get as close to Colleen as I'd like, right? ^^;], but I couldn't go to her wake, or funeral, like I wanted to.
Josh was hard, and I didn't know if I could do another one. I didn't have to with Jesse and Hannah, but they still hit home, and with Colleen, even as distant as our friendship was, I cried for almost three days straight, at the slightest provocation.


I swore I wouldn't set foot in Walgreens again [the drug-store she worked at, down the street from my house], because the last time I went there, she was my cashier, and we chatted amicably, but I didn't linger. Quite the opposite in fact, it was so awkward trying to chat with her while my dad was there, so I rushed out of the establishment. Lo and behold, that was the last time I'd ever see her again, and I very much regret not hugging her, or talked more, asked how she REALLY was, something... anything really...


Well, the other day I had to go into not just A Walgreens... but HER Walgreens. It was very eerie, knowing she WAS there, and she's not now. It's like sensing a ghost walking across your floor, or the sensation you get when you walk in a historical monument, or place your hands on a star on the walk of fame. It's that tingly sense of "This person was right HERE in THIS place, touching THESE things, breathing THIS air, looking at THIS ray of light, going through THESE doors". At one point, I was glad my dad was in another aisle, because I barely fought back the tears remnant from over a month ago.


All in all, She marks the 6th person I've lost, since 2005. Not one year have I had a break from grief.
Granted, this year is among the worst, along with last year.... But I'm saving my hopes that maybe, just MAYbe 2010 will bring not only an end to my half-decade of grieving, but also an end to my heartache.
I hope that 2010 brings, if not a release from the constant pain and ache 3/6 brings, year long; then maybe respite in another form: replacement. If I can have someone else to dote upon, and share everything with and trust with every fiber of my soul that they will not betray me like those in the not-so-distant past have... I will be very happy indeed, for once. Here's hoping, eh? :]

Ahhh Winter. Today was the first real Snowfall here in Lexington, Kentucky. It was nice while it lasted, and I hope it falls heavier in time for Christmas. I honestly think that's the only thing missing from this Holiday season for me. Quick Holiday Checklist? Oh yes, I have one. :]

• Family [X]
• Tree [X]
• Presents [X]
• Stockings [X]
• Candy Canes [X]
• Christmas Music [X]
• Snow [_]

Yep, seems snow is the only thing missing for my Holiday. Everything else, I helped to make sure we had this Christmas. I bought a pre-lit tree, I brought every family member a present, and wrapped them, and put them under the tree. I bought things I KNEW they wanted, even if it wasn't on their "list". I literally spent my entire paycheck on Christmas, just so we could have one. I made $139.90, and Wal-Mart charged $3.00 to cash my check, so I had $136.90 to spend. Amount my purchases came to? $136.85. Yes, I came within .05 of spending every last penny I had. Am I sad about it? Nope. I bought my youngest sister an Easy Bake Oven like I had, and brownies to make in it. I bought my middle sister Jewelry she'd like, and a bath-kit so she can feel good after a bath. I bought my mom a bath-kit as well [she thought it was for my other sister ;)]. I bought my dad a plastic dresser, with three drawers, so he could have a place for his clothes finally. I bought my step-dad a fleece Christmas blanket, that was originally for myself, so maybe he can lose the Scrooge, and feel better about Christmas, even though his father died a few weeks before Christmas several years ago. Christmas is a big thing with our family, and I thought maybe a Christmas blanket to keep him warm would warm him up to Christmas. :]
Annnd I bought my Cats some smelly-good Kitty-Litter. I had hoped to buy them collars finally, but I didn't have enough left after everything else. :[ Maybe I'll pawn my ipod or something to finish up buying presents. ^_^
The only thing that slightly depresses me is that after getting approx $270-$280 from my checks, I wasn't able to get my snakebites. I've wanted them for so long, and came SOOOO CLOOOOOSE to getting them. But in the spirit of the Holidays, I have my family, and I hope they like their presents. Because that's all that matters to me. ^_^

Well, yesterday was certainly eventful. I woke up, sat online for a while, and found myself on YouTube, just perusing what it had to store. Clicking related link after related link, and eventually I found myself in hypnosis videos. I half-way watched this guy give an annotated weight-loss hypnosis session, and found myself drawn in. Even in the annotated version, I found myself in a trance. So, I clicked related videos, and found other hypnosis ones, that were for self help. They told me I wanted water. I wanted healthy food. Junk food despised me, tasted like bile in my throat pretty much. I wanted to exercise, I loved it. I could feel my metabolism speeding up. My lips tingled, my brain tingled, my arms and legs tingled, and my lungs breathed in and out steadily. Even having to focus enough to read what it said, I felt it working. Not fully hypnotized, but enough to make me feel the truth in the words. I COULD feel my blood speeding up and running through me, if not my metabolism. I felt my mouth water upon hearing the word "Water", and it still is. I wanted to go outside, and DO something. So, I put on a jacket, shoes, and thick pants, and set to walking. Just walking. I ended up going on a 2 mile walk, and felt great. I was going about 4mph, or 15 minutes per mile. The one time I sipped my water, it tasted so smooth, so sweet, almost like honey. And it did me for the rest of the walk. I got home, and that's all I wanted to drink. I wasn't tired the whole walk, but as I got home, that last block, I could feel that 2 miles was just what I needed. Sure, I only burned 330 calories in that walk, but my lungs felt freer, and I felt so much better. I watched a couple of movies, and crashed to sleep, which I definitely needed. Woke up, watched some more movies, browsed online for a while, then turned the computer off again, and went to bed.
Now, here I am at 2am, blogging because I'm... emotional. Not emo, not sad, not happy, just feeling a lot of things. She replied again, and actually gave me the jitters, from anxiety. Not bad enough for an anxiety attack, but I was anxious. Then, in my response, I found I had millions of things I wanted to say, but I had to condense it. Towards the end of my main paragraph, I actually found myself crying. Since this was only minutes ago, I thought I'd come blog.
I've got to call the Food Benefits Office again this morning, because I am DYING. Not joking, the weight I've gained having to eat rice and ramen [both of which require butter] is going to kill me if I can't change my diet soon. I've placed a marker in weight that I absolutely REFUSE to hit, or go over at all, even if it means I have to stop eating all together, and starve myself down. Granted, I only eat 2 times a day, sometimes only once, but it's WHAT I have to eat that's killing me.
Anyway, not really a long blog, just... wanted to jot some stuff down.

So, I was online as usual, half-heartedly flipping through all my sites, commenting here and there about different threads, and my own thread popped to the top of the list. Someone had replied in the thread I had made, to comfort people and whatnot. I read their post, and glanced above them, expecting to see my own post. Instead, I see Hers. She was talking in my thread? Mine? My heart jumped, and my hands started sweating, as I thought 'Surely she's not angry with me? I've left her alone, like she asked, so she could have time, even though I didn't want to give her space... Even though I wanted to pick her up and hug her all day...'
Instead, she was saying the opposite. And, like it or not, neither of us have been great to the other, myself included... Nay, myself ESPECIALLY.
I waited until this morning to reply, because I wanted to make sure what I said would say what I wanted. If that's confusing, too bad, that's the way it went down.
And, even though I still feel like something is missing, what's said has been said, and now I can only wait.
Wait for what?
For my Renaissance.
My Renaissance comes in a couple of weeks, so I just have to hold on that much longer. Then, everything will be better! Not great, not like I WISH it would be, but so much better. Healthier, happier, less stressful, more fulfilling. Just because the economy says I can't have the teenage life everyone else is having doesn't mean I can't have a the GOOD life everyone else is having.
My mom is supposed to be getting married, and coming home, and I'm supposed to see her, and George, and Tasha, and Crispy, and maybe even my precious Forest again... maybe.... I miss him so much..
I'll get my bass, and my books, and my Hank, and my sega, and my other clothes, and sooooo much more. I'll get more people coming over too, since there won't be seven years worth of smoke caked on everything, and ashes all over the place, and dishes and trash and... ugh.
No yelling, no conflictions, no anything horrible. Just me, my family, the adults working, the kids going to school... Just like it should be. I won't have to question when I'll get to eat, or if I'll have a home the next week, or if my cats will have food...
It will be so much better.
Just a few more weeks, even though I'm terribly impatient.
*sigh*
Just a few more...

I miss you Joshy...

Dear Joshy,

You know, you would have been 19 this week? 19, living on your own, graduated from high school, and probably having more fun in your life than you ever had before. You would have. I know you would have. You would have done a lot of things! Made even MORE friends, loved even MORE people, spread even MOOOORE love across the world. You would have helped GSA so much, you would have helped us all when we lost Jesse, and Hannah. You would have helped me when I lost everyone I cared about, and you would have laughed with me at what a fool I have been. You would have taught so much to me by now. You probably would have had your own car by now. The hottest boyfriend in town too of course ;)

But you're not. You won't ever get a car, or a license, or your own house, or a graduation diploma. You won't have the hottest boyfriend in town, because you won't have another boyfriend again. Ever. You won't get to say another word, give another hug, share another laugh. You won't. You can't. We remember your hugs, and words, and smiles, because we have pictures... videos... memories... But those can't last forever. Time has a habit of taking away the videos, fading the pictures, and distancing us from the memories, because they hurt. You weren't there when we all needed your laugh. You weren't there when we all fell down. You weren't there.. You won't ever BE there again. I sit outside all the time, just to feel the breeze. To feel you. I talk to you, but can you hear me? Do you hear me where you are, when I tell you my secrets? When I tell you my fears? Can you hear my tears, wherever you are? Feel how lonely I am? Can you? You asked me in my kitchen if I trusted you... do you believe me now? I trust you, more than I trust anyone. I tell you everything, I tell you my dreams, and wishes, hopes and aspirations... Then I tell you everything else, I tell you my fears, and nightmares, my worries, and hatreds...

You left so many questions unanswered. So much uncertainty. Every question only makes new ones, they never have answers. I used to say everyone should be JUST like you. But there's no way I would ask anyone to do that now. You held pain, and regret, and fears, and then you took yourself away from us forever, for a problem, or problems, that were so MINOR, so temporary! Death, as I"m sure you've noticed by now, is a very permanent thing. You only had TWO YEARS before you were 18, and could have shoved off of anyone you wanted. Now, you would be turning 19, and be well on your way!!! But you couldn't wait... Such a tiny amount of time. You couldn't even wait until you turned 16? Just a few more days, and you would have had a spectacular party! You would have known just how much we all loved you... STILL love you, if our tears are anything to go by. I can't use my old myspace anymore, but don't worry Joshy baby. You're still my number one! And I'm still your number 4, but I'm there! You cared about me, and you put me there, where I was special. I was thrilled. But now I'm too depressed when I look at that myspace. I see when you were last there, and I know I'll never get excited again, to see that online now icon pop up, telling me you finally were able to get online. I'll never be able to close my eyes and feel your hands put on my eyelashes, and makeup. I'll never get to see you twirl around for me in a skirt, and ask me how you look. I'll never get to see you sneak a cig in your room, with sage and incense lit. Or bend over your tub while you help me bleach my hair. So many things, Josh, I'll never get to have again. I won't get that trust we had. That bond we shared. I won't ever find that again. I will forever regret that when you left, you were mad at me. We were mad at each other, and over such a STUPID thing. You taught me so much, even when you left. But you could have taught me so much MORE if you had only stayed!! If you had waited just a few months, you would have seen me as I came home from Washington. You would have seen me as I was with the man of my dreams, the man you kept telling me to go for, but I just couldn't. You would have been there to hold my hand as I held up people as we were all reeling from the loss of Jesse, and then Hannah. You would have been here to see my sisters, and how beautiful they are. You would have been here to see me graduate, even though I didn't get to walk. You would have been here...
But you're not, and god damnit I miss you so much. I usually talk about you, and how wonderful you are, and hold back every tear that threatens to take me over, because I know you would want it to be that way. You wouldn't want us to be weak without you, but be strong with ourselves. But remembering how cold your hand was... your face was... seeing how long that line was, and thanking people as they let me in front of the entire line, so I could see you one last time... so I could touch your face, and your hair, and hold your hand, and hurt inside because that warmth you radiated wouldn't ever be there again....
I say I'm strong, but I'm so weak, so damn weak...
I miss you so much Joshy. As the years go by, I don't miss you any less. It doesn't hurt any less either... I just forget more and more of the little moments, that, three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to forget if you paid me. I try though, joshy. I try for you. I try to pick up where you left off, and give as much energy as I can. Even though I'll never have the love you did. I'll never mean as much to people as you did, and continue to do. If something happened to me, I wouldn't have anywhere near as many people mourning me... I'd be the name in passing, in the obituaries. Another statistic, that no one would remember. Not like they do you.
God, I miss you Joshy. I need you here, wiping my tears, and holding my hand. I need you here telling me I'm beautiful... telling me that the words they said were just words... that I'm special, that I'm loved, please Joshy, anything... I just need you here....

3 years, and the pain is still here.
But luckily, so is the love, Joshy.
I love you so much....
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease
RIP
10/12/90 - 10/5/06

Ahhhh Humans.
The ruling species, right? Why? What have we done for the planet, as rulers, that the dinosaurs couldn't do? Eukarya animalia chordata mammalia primates hominidae homo sapien is what we are, or, in english:Our cells have a nucleus, we cannot produce our own food, we have a backbone, we have live birth, and carry milk, we have opposable thumbs, walk upright, are all the same, and are wise, or sentient. I'd like to know who decided to classify us like that. We are NOT wise, nor are we all the same, and neither are we the carriers of backbones. We are a weak, prideful, disoriented race that cannot agree on anything, and sees every individual as different. We take, and take, and never want to give back, which ends up killing more of us than any other idea on the planet. We are not happy with ourselves until we make others unhappy, and we cannot take care of one planet, but we insist on trying to find others. We're trying to find new toys and inventions to use, like cars, and trains, and planes, and weapons of mass destruction, and destruction of fossil fuels, and creation of solar, electric, and hydrogen energy. But, we cannot seem to fix the one economy, in one country, or eliminate a single illness that kills billions per year, or even eliminate something as meager as homelessness in a third world country less in mass than the average Nation-state. We have managed, however, to singlehandedly cause the most destruction on this planet. More damage has been caused by the human race living, than by a meteor crashing onto the planet, and wiping out all life forms on the planet at the time in seconds. We have managed to cause more damage in the past 100 years on the planet, than has ever been done on the planet in several billion years. Plague has not wiped out as many people as one war has, and Plague is supposed to be one of the great apocalyptic ends.
So, why are we dominating the planet? Because of our thirst for domination. That is the sole meaning behind the existence of the human race. Think about it. What is war for? Domination. One country or province must prove it is better than another. Or others. Politics? Domination. NASA? Domination. Industrialization? Domination. Social class? Domination. Celebrities? Domination. Clubs/Organizations? Domination. Gangs? Domination. Police Force? Domination. Sex? Domination. Punishment? Domination. That's all we want, isn't it? We want to Dominate. To be better. To be on top. To show we are worthy of pride, and lust, and gluttony. Even Religious Zealots have it all wrong. They want Domination too! Going to church, recruiting people to the cause, donations to the pot, praying to win the lottery, proclaiming all the world a sin, and that they alone will reach the Holy Land. D.O.M.I.N.A.T.I.O.N.
And what comes of Domination? Fear.
Fear if loss, of failure, of inability, of not being good enough, of being DominatED.
And it's these things that cause us to crave domination even more, which causes us to fail in the end.
The human race as a whole needs to stop, take a breath, and look at itself. If every country just kept to itself, nobody would have any problems. If every country were made inable to lie, everyone would be happy. Everything would be sorted.
But they can't. Because WE can't.
Humans have to Dominate, remember?
*sigh*

I find myself thinking about you even more lately.
Now, normally, I would say, "I have no idea why, but I can't get you out of my head lately."
But, this time, I know why. I know what's keeping me from forgetting you.
It's the people I talk to, they're all connected back to you, somehow. Or, they talk about you in some way. Or better yet, BOTH. Then, of course, there's hearing stories of lost loves, and painful heartaches, and I can't help but remember us. What we were, what we had, who we were. How... How everyone thought we would make it to the end, and then the only place we are in the end is further away, and you've got the biggest cheerleader we had as a couple, in my stead.
I thought seeing you happy would make me happy, but it doesn't. Not when it's with her. I love that you're happy, and I DO get some satisfaction out of that. But, at the same time, I'm sitting here alone, everyone taken away from me, every song, every smile, they all make me think of you. I thought I'd be able to move on, but even when I do, you're still surrounding me, at every corner.
You represent so much to me.
I've yet to decide if that's good or not.
But you represent music, and love, and honesty, and trust, and friendship, and life, and laughter, and time, and forever.
And without you here to tell me to buck up and try harder, I feel like I have nothing to try for.
Sure, everyone else tells me what you used to, but it doesn't mean as much. It's just not the same thing. Without you here to smile when you see me, or talk to me on the phone, or surprise me with a visit, I don't feel like I'm worth anything anymore. Without your hand next to mine, as my best friend, I feel like a blindfolded idiot, walking around in a lit room. I have every ability to see, but I'm blinded from hurt.
I wish you weren't on my mind as much. For so many months, I had you blocked. I had that pain blocked, I had... I had so much laughter, and self worth. But now, now that you're there again, it's like... All those words you said to me are recycled, going around and around over and over again in my head, making me dizzy. I don't trust the "I love yous" you said, because of things she would tell me you said. Would you lie to me? After we've known each other for so long? After we were so close? So GODDAMN close? Or would you lie to her... Your "love", your girlfriend? You've only really known her as long as you've been dating, but does that matter to you?
All those things you said about me... to me, behind my back, all of it... Why can I see THOSE as truth, but the beautiful things you said as you held my hand and smiled... Why can't THOSE be real? Why can't I remember those??
I have no best friend anymore, nobody I can trust. James and Grace come in at the top, but that's not enough. I can't trust anyone like I trusted you. I can't love anyone like I loved you. I can't listen and enjoy music, like I did with you. Every bite I eat, every song I listen to, every step I take, I hear you in my head. I scratch my neck, and I think of you. I pick something up off the floor with my black painted toes, and I think of you. When you pulled your sock off to painted toesies. How I giggled. How you hid them real quick when someone came in. I hear oblivion, or I put my 360's music acid trip background on in the dark, and I remember sitting with you. Sneaking in, laying with you, having you give me part of the pillow, so you could snuggle behind me. Watching you fall asleep from exhaustion, then feeling sad to have to wake you up to leave, so I wouldn't get you in trouble, that kiss good-bye, walking home on the dew chilled morning with a huge sleepy grin on my face, sneaking in the house and crashing on my bed... smiling. I listen to Lady Sov, and remember singing with my mom on the way to your house. I eat McDonalds, and I remember snaking our arms around the chair, to link fingers secretly. I remember your double cheeseburger orders. I remember snorting hot cheeto with you, and having to clean it out of our noses with tears rolling from a combination of laughter, and searing pain. I remember watching HappyFeet in the theater, and fighting the urge to touch your legs, as they were crossed in front of me; fighting the urge to take your hand, so afraid you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore if I did. So afraid that if I told you I loved you, you would run away; Playing Deer Hunter with you, and totally OWNING you with the pump shotgun. Walking around Fayette mall afterwards, and watching you climb the wall, and walk all the way around the edge. Standing on the corner, up by target, and hearing you say you could jump down easily, and not believing you could, just because I was terrified you would be hurt. Laughing as you spit all the way to the street, blushing as you asked me to sing for you. Nervous and touched when you were so hyper, and your mom picked us up. God, I miss her so much! I just couldn't be there without hurting, even thinking of the smell of your house, of you, of your room, it hurts.
But I remember always coming home with little red fuzzies EVERYWHERE. Even days after going to your room, I'd have them all over the place. I remember laying next to you at night, sleeping so warm, so comfy, so safe, with your arm around me. Curling up on Matt's floor, neither of us in comfortable positions, but not willing to move, just so we could stay next to each other. Your hands, your smile, your eyes, your touch on my face wiping tears away...
We had so much love, so much affection, in such a short amount of time. When I talk of all the memories, or think about them, there's YEARS worth, in just a few months. Then you count all the years of friendship, and it seems longer. So many more memories I want to write down, in case I forget them, but... we both know I could never do that. I'll never be able to forget them.
But I do have to wonder, what have YOU done with our memories?
Do you ever think about them? Compare them to now? Is she really that much better than me? Do I even matter anymore? DID I ever matter at ALL? What about prom, do you still have the ticket, or the pictures, or the frame? Or did you throw those out too? Maybe you burned them like the other pictures. Is that what you did? Did you want to hurt me, is that what we were about? Getting close to me, so you could destroy everything I am? Ruin every happy memory I thought I had? Were you using me to get to her the whole time? How much of US was really you watching HER?
God, So many questions, that will never get asked, or answered.
Hell, I can't even get a hello out of you it seems.

Love always,
Your "Thena"
Oh. And if you HAPPEN to still have this link, and are reading this...
I don't give a damn what you think, or feel when it comes to this... For me, Mimes will always be there. I'm so sorry, but they will...

It's up to you, as to whether or not you believe my sentiments, but I really do understand where you're coming from. If what I say seems harsh, I don't intend for it to. I'm trying to show you what there could be in your life, if you're willing to open up your ears, and listen for a minute.

I couldn't ever understand the loss of a parent, but I have lost many pets in my time, and many more friends.
There are no two situation alike in the world, so no one can ever understand exactly how you feel in this place and time, because they were never in that place and time, with those people, doing those things. But you have to understand that when people tell you they feel where you are coming from, they're as unsure of what to say as you are. You say you don't know what to say to tell them how you feel, because you are afraid of them not believing you. Then you say that they won't believe you, because you were never up front with them before.
If you want them to believe you now, you have to make them see who you are. I truly hope you believe me when I say I KNOW how hard it is to open yourself up to the world, and expose your deepest feelings, your darkest thoughts, and your scariest memories, when you're utterly terrified of being rejected MORE. I've been teased my entire life too, from the time I was 8, until now. I'm STILL teased, and called names, but they've stopped hurting. I've had to deal with going to school with vinegar in my hair, and oil, and chemicals, because my mother couldn't get rid of a lice infestation. I walked through those jokes. Several years later, the infestation was back, after spending a year living in a homeless shelter with my mom and sister, and after months of treatment to no success, I had to cope with having every single one of my 14 inches of hair shaved off, and hear the laughs and scoffs behind me as I went into the girls bathroom. "Omg, that's a GIRL?!" "Lookit that dyke, bet she's gonna rape some kids in there."
So please, believe me, I understand the ridicule, especially for my weight, too. But the one thing you should know, if you have passed them off as nonsense, is that old sayings may sound stupid when you're young, and cynical... But they hold so much more truth than they are given credit for.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is the best one for this paragraph. Sticks, and Stones, and Knives, and Guns kill far more people than a few personal jokes, or pointed fingers. If you let them know they're hurting you, it will hurt you more, because you will live in fear of those jokes. Instead of running away from them, STOP. Turn around. Face them. Don't threaten the jokers, don't throw insults back. All this amounts to is more pain, that could end up being physical. Instead, throw their OWN jokes right back at them. If they call you fat, Grab your stomach, or thighs, or arm and say something stupid. Like a quote from Santa Claus, and say "A little fat? Does this LOOK like a little fat to you??"
They'll laugh with you, and you will get carried away with the laughter and end up able to laugh at yourself, which is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

As far as your psychological problems are concerned, remember that they are just that. Psych. The best old saying for this, is "Mind over Matter".
If you want to think scientifically, your brain controls EVERY part of your body. Every feeling, emotion, and movement is nothing more than an electrical impulse, charged through the body by the brain. So, if you have control of your brain, you will have control over your feelings, your emotions. When you're feeling most depressed, stop, and think logically.
Step outside of your mindset, and picture what you would look like, if you were a stranger sitting next to you.
Nervous Wreck?
Depressed?
Angry?
Dangerous?
You have to think about how the world would look at you, before you think about how the world will see you. They have to take a good long look before they see ANYthing. Make sure you can understand where they are standing, and you'll come a long way in understanding why they're at a loss for words.

"I understand" is nothing more than saying they understand the meaning you are trying to convey. It can be an empty sentiment, or it can be an emotional bond. It's up to you whether or not you accept that extention as a hand up, or a shove away.
"I know" is more what someone would say if they truly knew how you felt. If someone says that, ask them to elaborate, if they are able. Sometimes the strongest bonds are made from grief. Two or more people that look each other in the eyes, and connect on the grounds of common loss have nothing more to lose. With that, they become rungs on the ladders to each other's healing process.

So, while no one will know EXACTLY how it feels to lose their father at 6, and have promises broken at such a young age, and to be bullied... neither will anyone have lived life EXACTLY as you did.
No one will be able to help you until you can see that.

I've already written more than probably any of you are going to read, but at you specifically at least Moon Dragon, I want to extend a hand, and welcome you to my world. I want to show you what I have healed from, and show you how I have healed. I want to let you explore the land I keep my heart, soul, and feelings locked up in, and show you the safeguards I have in place.
But I can't do anything until you are willing to step out of your own life, and open your eyes, and heart, and MIND to all the other options there are.

I'm not saying I'm a ball of sunshine, and daisies, or that I poop rainbows in my free time. Not by far. I have my moments that I look around and see all the different ways I could kill myself, and make it look like an accident. All the thoughts mulling in my head, like "Who would honestly miss me?" and "Who would visit me if I were sick, and dying, in the hospital?"
But I AM saying that I can help you put all those aside for the rainy days, and build something out of them.

If you think no one will care, think about WHY they wouldn't care.
Set aside your ego and pride, and think logically.... What have YOU done, that they would feel lost if they lost you?
If you don't think of anything, maybe it's about time you started GIVING everyone a reason to miss you. The more you do it for them, the more they'd miss you in their lives, the more complete you will feel, and the happier the days will look.

My friends and I started a GSA Club in a very homophobic high school, to represent the Minority. Day of Silence, RAINN, etc.
In this GSA, we thought of ways to memorialize our gay friend who had killed himself just DAYS before he turned 16. Why? Of course we don't know. All we know is he was bullied and mistreated, in home and at school, since he was born; and that the night he died he fought with his dad about DYING HIS HAIR; and that the entire school was quieter without him. We decided on a memorial garden AT school, to pay respects to in our free time, and motivate us, and be a tool to teach in biology classes, and give us something to do with our time. Hundreds of volunteers showed up every day during the summer, every saturday during school time, and worked the fingers to the bone, in hot summer months even, to come together and make a vision a reality. People came from all around the county, the state, and even a California news crew came out to film us, and interview myself, and another girl who had worked from day one with me, and a few others, for the garden. A boy in GSA asked his mother to help us, and she agreed. A few weeks later he was killed from injuries sustained from a car accident on the way to school... on the Day of Silence. The girl the California film crew interviewed with me died from a car crash the next year. But we all stand proud together, and continue to work at the garden, and share lunch together every saturday we are able, to pay respects to each other, and our mutual losses.

So, I DO know what it feels like to hurt like you do.
But the best advice I can give you is open yourself up.
Tell everyone EXACTLY how you feel, and make sure your feelings are known, and not walked over.
Be straight, upfront, and demand respect for the things you do.
The pushover is never remembered, but the leader is, so just stand up for what you believe, and do what you know makes YOU happy.
And, most importantly, that grief will NEVER go away, as I'm sure you're well aware of. But what you DO with that grief can make things better, or make things worse. BUILD on that grief. Help others, show you care, turn things around. It's all up to you, and the ball is in YOUR court.

"every day goes by so fast
before we know it, a week has past
so much time is spent looking back
in the end, we're only thrown off track
tell me then, what is the purpose
the reason behind fashion, and purses
if life is spent on sorrow and debt
we will end our lives, having only fret
stand up today, for what you believe
live every minute, love all you see
because in the end, in that final hour
you will be you, and no one else will matter"

The most important thing to remember, is that there is NO circumstance, ever, anywhere, for whatever reason, that deserves the punishment of death. I don't believe there is a single person on this entire site that should even consider suicide, for a split second.
Suicide is a very permanent solution, for what oftentimes is just a temporary problem. Death is forever, and I really doubt there are many, if any, problems that will last that long.

If pain makes you forget about it, that's really alright, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's ingrained in man to need to inflict pain to feel better. It's why there is war, and hierarchy, and pride, and selfishness. But always be aware of what will happen once you DO inflict that pain. Maybe even consider getting into a hobby that causes enough energy exertion to release that pressure. Like boxing, or football, or hockey.

If I sound like those same old people that tell you "You're doing it wrong", I really do apologize. And I'm sorry if this ends up getting lengthy. I just really really felt the urge to talk to you all, as a group. To explain what is out there to those that haven't lived as much yet, and to refresh the memories of those that have.

I'm only 19, and I know some of you are already thinking skeptically. But please, try and look at this thread with an open mind. I've seen, done, said, and lived through a lot, in a very short amount of time, and I spend my ENTIRE life trying to make it better for people who are in situations I have been in. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be trying to live. I don't feel I have a reason to, so I know I can sympathize with you guys. Most of you at least.

I guess it might help some of you, if I shared my own past, right?

My early childhood wasn't great by any standards. My first year of life was spent with my mom and dad, living in the bed of a pick-up truck. After that, we spent the next 2 years living in a small camper/trailer, with my mom picking up waitressing when I was 3, and my dad continuing his truck-driving jobs. When I turned 4, we moved from California, down to Phoenix Arizona, where we stayed with my maternal grandparents for a few months, and finally got a one bedroom apartment.
 
 When I was 9 [My sister was 4] my second sister was born, by yet another man. But my paternal grandfather died, and my dad prepared me to move across the country, to Kentucky, for the funeral. My mom, sister, and my sister's dad followed us, and we mass moved to Kentucky.

After a few years, life leveled out for the most part, and we all kind of went our own ways. My youngest sister never found out who her dad was until she was 4, which also happened to be when he found out he HAD a daughter. Around this time, my mom, sisters, and I had been homeless for about a year and a half, and needed the child support money.

Life finally started looking up around the time I was 12, but then a year later my dad got married to a gold-digger, who treated me like a red-headed step child. She ended up divorcing him 4 years later, and leaving him with absolutely nothing.

A year after that [around 2005], my maternal grandmother and grandfather were murdered in their OWN home, by a "Family friend". This created a huge uproar in my maternal family, and my mom moved me and my sisters to Washington State, to stay with her older sister.

Before we could leave, however, we had a ton of affairs to settle at home. Not even a month before our departure date, my best friend was found in his bedroom closet, hanging from the bar with his pant-strap. I felt completely abandoned, and did my best to hold everyone up. I couldn't be weak when so many people needed me, so the only time I cried was when I touched his cold, dead face at the visitation. It was so hard to believe that cold face was the once bubbly ray of sunshine in my life.

Finally, the date arrived for our move to Washington State.
This was supposed to only be for a few weeks, to settle the affairs of my late grandparents. While there, however, I was made to take care of the entire family, even if I was sick. I waited on them hand and foot, I wasn't allowed food until every chore was done, and I was only allowed to shower once a week.
After about 3 months, my mom had to move back to Kentucky for a month, to settle custody issues with my middle sister, so I was left alone with my aunt and her family. After a month of enduring abuse [in varying degrees], I felt the need to leave. I wanted out, I wanted to escape the prison I was stuck in. I walked out to the trailer I was staying in, and breathed in the cold air. I looked at the moon, and stars, and begged forgiveness. Then I sat down on the bed, and hit my hand as hard against my head as I could. [This paragraph has been edited for content]
All I could think about was how my best, and only friend had left me. How my mother had left me. How my father didn't care to call me. How my "Family" could only abuse me..... Until the unthinkable was there.
In front of my face was this huge shining orb of pink light. I don't care if people think I'm crazy, it was there, clear as day. It was my Joshy. My friend, that hung himself. That little ray of light was there, shining with me.
I couldn't feel alone anymore. He was there the whole time, watching me, trying to help me. I hid my cut until it healed, careful to never tell anyone what happened. Other than this paragraph here, only 3 people know about that. 3 people I trusted, and loved.

Finally, we were able to come home to Kentucky. My first night home, the boy I'd fallen for called. He welcomed me home, and we talked for hours, at the end of which, we told each other our feelings. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much that boy meant to me. It would be utterly impossible, unless you could have seen us when we were around each other, even as just friends. When I left, I was empty. When I left, he didn't care about friends, family, or schoolwork anymore. So to know he felt the same as me, I was astounded.

One month later, it was the Day of Silence. The day most of us looked forward to, because it was our turn to remember, and honor, Josh. Our friend who left us too soon. I was on the bus, happily silent, never prouder. To my right, a red car drove up beside the bus, on the way to school. In it were 4 of my friends, one of which was quite possibly as excited as me to be quiet that whole day. He smiled the biggest smile I'd ever seen him smile, and I did the same. We signed Peace to each other [also known as the victory sign] and the car he was a mere passenger in sped up to pass the bus.
In a matter of seconds, the imPOSSIBLE happened. In slow motion I can see it now. The back tire exploded. Rubber.. dust.. everywhere. The bus slowed down. The kids jerked forward. The red car was in front. The red car was fish-tailing. The red car spun in huge circles, picking up speed. The red car was sling-shot across 3 lanes, narrowly missing a semi. The red car exploded against the hill. The red car disappeared from sight as the semi passed the bus. The driver got out. The passenger got out. No one else left. Where was my friend? Where was his smile?
The next day, I was to go see him in the hospital. Collapsed lung, broken collarbone, broken spine, broken jaw, so much broken...
2 hours before I was to leave, the PA at school came on.
He was gone.
Another friend, another life, another light, completely extinguished.
And for what?

Everyone in my class watched silently as I stood up from my desk. Curtly told my teacher I was leaving, and walked out. No one stopped me. No one said a word.
They all knew what I was feeling.

It was harder to walk into the grief room that time, than for my last friend, and I was closer to the first friend. Because in a matter of months, we had all lost 2 balls of amazing light.

My friend Hannah was there. She hugged me. She was so beautiful, even crying. We talked, hugged, laughed with people. Remembering this wonderful face.

We kept working on the Memorial Garden we had all started to memorialize Josh. A film crew came from California, just to film Hannah and I, as we talked about how we coped with our grief for not one, but two friends. What it was like to be labeled as the "outcasts" of society.

One month later, she was killed in a car accident. Driving friends home from school, she was killed.

I'll never forget how I found out. Hearing "Hannah died" was astounding. I refused to believe it was her. I went to that boys house, the one I mentioned before? I broke. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Too many people, too little time. I felt like I was some sort of curse, that was destined to kill the people I loved.

-------------------------------------------

So now, I'm here, trying to help you guys. Every Saturday, I go to that garden. I see what it's become. I hug my friends, who have shared in what I've been through. I hug Jesse's mom every chance I get, because I know my time with her could be short. She thinks about death every day, but she's afraid doing so would rid her of any chance she has of seeing her son again, if there is a heaven.

I'm not afraid to admit I'm weak anymore. It's because of that, I am strong.

I understand now, that life is VERY short. You can't afford to hold on to regret, and grudges. Every choice you make can't be regrettable. Because in the moment you made that decision, it was what made you happy. And happiness shouldn't be regretted.

DO Something with your pain. I understand better than a lot of people that it is very real, no matter how trivial the problem. I know it's there, I know you feel it, and I know now that you can live with it, and still find happiness in life. Even if you don't want to live anymore.

That boy? He refuses to talk to me now. But when I found out he was unhappy, I told him to ask out my best friend. I thought she would make him happy, and a smile on his face is all I wanted, all I cared about. It's still in my dreams. They've been together for over a year now, and I can't hate her, even though I should, for taking him away from me....
Because he is happy.

That garden? It's there, it's amazing, and it's inspired people.
People come up to me nearly every day, and say Hey, I remember you!!
Or they tell me I've inspired them, or helped them somehow.
Those little things, those words, smiles, and hugs from perfect strangers...
Are why I live.

If any of you have any reason to hurt, please understand it's really only temporary. No, time does NOT heal the pain. That pain will NEVER go away, it was always be there, always haunting you. I won't sugar-coat the truth. But you can find happiness WITH that pain. Use it as your strength. Remember that you made it through that pain for one day, two days, three days, count if you must.

But remember, that you're doing it. And I promise you will be happier.

Let's get the important stuff out of the way first.
Kudos goes to Gracie for inspiring me to write in here again.
Well, not the content, but for writing in it again period.
I doubt I would have come to my blog right now on my own accord.


I can't stop thinking about the guys in my life. Grace is the only FEMALE friend I have right now, and that means so much to me. I can say things to her, and giggle with her, about things I can't with guy friends. Especially not when most of my guy friends are either ex's, or friends of ex's. [._.;]
I've been trying not to think about Mark so much. He IS 32, and HAS 3 kids, and IS in Maryland, so I should probably consider it HIGHLY unhealthy to think about him as much as I had/have been. Thankfully, I've thought about him less! It just still makes my heart squeeze in sadness, when I sign onto WD, and see he's been online, isn't at the moment, and didn't leave me a message. Or, when I sign into YIM and search for his name and a little yellow ball next to it, and it's not there..
I thought Adam would be an escape, and in the few hours I was with him I LOVED it. I didn't think I would, and I thought it would be awkward meeting him in person, AFTER an "Interesting" conversation as he put it. I thought we were together, but he mentioned that he's only 20, and he doesn't know what he wants in a spouse.
Sadly, I do, and that's what I want. A serious, dedicated, long-term relationship. I don't want a fling, I'm tired of the whole FWB thing. I want... well, Love.
Is that so much to ask for?
I've done the heart ache, and heart break, and the giving everything up for the person you love, so... Why don't I have Love still??
The downside to having no one to look at and think "Hmm... it's a possibility, right?", is that I'm thinking about Him more now. I shouldn't. I know that. I know he is Hers now, and that I shouldn't, by any rights, even let him cross my MIND.
But he has been one of the most influential people in my life, and I loved him so dearly...
I still love him. Of course. I love the other one too, but he's got his own dramatic tragedy going on, and he can keep it to himself.
Aj is going into the Marines soon, he's already cut his hair off...
I'm going to miss him so GODDAMN much.
I think Matt is friends with me again, which is nice.
Rocky is coming up this weekend, & if all things are the same, he is supposed to go with me :]
I just hope I can find $7 by then.... I'd hate to lose that night with him, just because I couldn't get $7 measley dollars.
If I work at the farm this Wednesday and Thursday, I'd have PLENTY of money.
But do I want to? It kills my back and knees, and I don't want to take Erik's money, and Becky's gas if I can't work hard and earn the money/gas...
We'll see I suppose.
I have to stop here, or I'll go on forever, I have that much on my mind right now.
Farewell until next time, and I hope you all are safe. <3

July 5th 2009: Hell. Again.

Okay, the long version is thus:

He brought up earlier that this PC has to be re-vamped. Or, EVERYTHING on it deleted.
I thought to myself 'okay, I don't have anything important, it's what my laptop is for' and put it out of my mind.
Then, while I was laying down from a pounding headache, it hit me;
My itunes. If that's deleted, I'm FUCKED.
All 800 songs would be POOF'd into nothingness.

So, when he sat down, I brought it up, that I would personally go through everything and delete every single file on the computer, except itunes.
That way, All the work I put into getting those songs, and putting them on there, wouldn't be lost, but he still got to clean out the computer.

He finally said okay, that we would hold off on that, at least until I could get cds, and transfer all the songs, so that I could re-do my ipod safely.

Then, he says "Well, since we're in a talking mood" and starts saying this shit about how I never ever do dishes, and he'd "kiss 'my' ass if 'i've' done the dishes more than 2 times in the past 2 years", and that I was utterly useless, and all this other crap; And says he's marking one plate, fork, spoon, etc, for each of us, and throwing all of the others away.
[keep in mind, he's constantly talking about LEAVING in a few months, which renders all this bullshit useless]

I said fine, whatever, I didn't care about the marking shit, it's what the fuck ever. But I contested the bull about me not doing dishes, I did just FINE around the house before HIS ass started sitting down and staying here 24/7. COUNTLESS people can attest to the fact that I DID clean when he was gone, I just usually messed it up again before the week or two he was gone was up.

THEN it gets into this stupid fucking argument about I had 2 months to get out of here if I hated it so much, and I just kept sayin"I fuckin' wish I could. I've been WISHING I could." and I brought it up that HE thinks it's unfair that I'M apparently the cause for all his woes; and that he was so fucked up in life he even fucked up MY chances at going to college. And he tried to say it was MY fault, and I said "How the hell is it MY fault YOU haven't filed YOUR taxes in 6 freakin' years?!". He said how would I have paid, and I said because I'm the only one in the damn house with two fuckin' sense, and the highest IQ by far, and would have had SCHOLARSHIPS, and FEDERAL AID to get me through it. But no, because he had to be all lazy all the time, and didn't file taxes, I'M fucked out of college.

THENNNNN it gets into this shit about money, and why dont' I leave, and he says "fuck it, one more goddamn word, and I'm shortening the time" and I said "we'll see. it's not like you keep YOUR word anyway" and I brought up that he was always talking about my mom behind her back, calling her stupid and fucked up and whatnot for buying food first, rent second, and I called a damn hypocrite, because he's doing the SAME thing.

He said I have 2 weeks, I said we'll see.

Then he said something or other about I had 2 days to get rid of the cats [when and where the FUCK did this come from? No idea. Cats weren't even MENTIONED til this] or all my shit was on the curb. I said hell no it isn't, if he wants to pull the fuckin' rug, I'm pullin' too. I'll tell the state he lied just to get his dentures [which he did], and that he lied just to get unemployment [which he did] and that the car is in my name to avoid taxes [which it is] and that the cable bill was in my name before it was LEGAL to do so [I was 15].
So yeah, I told him TRY it, I've got just as many cards up my sleeve as he does, if not more.

And he ignored me for a bit, and looked at george and said he better call therena, that he's not payin' rent, so all the shit in here will be gone.
I said when the hell has he even PAID rent, and I said Let's see, rent was due, OH YEAH it's LATE already.
and he said he's not paying it yet by choice, and I said it doesn't fuckin' matter WHY he's not paying it, it's still the fact he ISN'T PAYING IT.

And then he stared at me for a while and I said what the hell are you looking at, and he acted like a kid and said he'll look at whatever the fuck he wants to in his house, and I said it's not his house, and he said he's the one paying the rent, I said no you're not, he said then who is, and I said the LIES he spun to get the STATE to pay for it.

Then he shut up, started mumbling to himself, and I pointed out that the skillet he was "Drying" on the stove the whole time was on fire, and he said "Oh, I'm drying that." but he still got up anyway to get it off.

Fuckin asshole.

ANYWAY. That's most of it. Not all, but most.
So, I'm sick of it. I'm finding places for my valubles, and leaving this cock-sucker's dwelling.

4th of July

Mmm I'm to survive yet another July 4th in the Swampish Hole of Kentucky.
Not that I'm complaining, I do enjoy the 4th of July celebrations my town has. Lexington, by far isn't the worst place I could be. Quite the contrary, I find it's rather... comforting, if nothing else... to know that everywhere you turn, there will be another illegal show of fireworks, as everyone tries to best everyone else's colorful spectaculaire.

No, I do enjoy it here, quite a lot. But the humid, muggy, cling-to-your-back kind of weather we always get stuck with usually only ends when a thunderstorm comes our way, which obviously puts a damper on the festivities.
And of course, nothing is greater than knowing half a dozen people are suddenly expecting you to come up with some extravagant celebration for a day that nobody really understands anymore.

With no way to pick anyone up, and no way to feed/host people in my home, I'm rather afraid I will have to depend on someone else to make today worth while.

On an un-related note that is equally blah-tastic, I've got to also find a place to keep my three cats, and another for three people to stay, while we hire somebody to come into our tiny crappy apartment, and bomb the entire place. The upstairs neighbors have FINALLY moved out, but that means that the hundreds of roaches and bedbugs and carpet mites that were up there, have come down to OUR apartment, after the mega-bombing up there. No joke, it was like a dozen life-sized Mega-Bombermen came and had their way with pesticide bombs.

On the same note, I took a chance and slept in my bed for a 3 hour nap today. I awoke to find that in SEVEN different places on one arm, I had been bitten by bedbugs. So, I tried a few hours ago to lay down for a more restful nap behind the small sofa, and counted 20, yes TWENTY different roaches in one area, and when I rolled over, one large one fell off of my blanket.
So, I'm now faced with which is better:
Sleep with the roaches
Sleep with the bed-bugs
Stay awake as long as possible and listen to my dad complain.
As if he has a reason, since for whatever reason there could be, the roaches don't touch his couch.

Well, I suppose that's all I've got for now, after today's festivities die down I will possibly tell of my day.

Phew, been a while, eh?

Yep, it's been a mighty long time since I have posted in this blog.
Mostly it's because I was only BLOGGING because I was happy, for the most part, and wanted quite desperately to share my story with someone.
Having been thoroughly depressed, and rejected by every person I had thought I could trust, I figure now would be a great time to pick back up on blogging.
At least, it's as good a time as any, right? :]

Hrm. But where to start? haha If only writing, and about myself at that, was as easy as it used to be.

I guess... Well, plans have changed. I had PLANNED on moving away from the pain here in Kentucky, to the other side of the country for a few months, then following the end of that, moving to Canada. Vancouver to be exact. I did some research on the city, and it's absolutely BEAUTIFUL! And, more importantly, it's CANADA! No one could follow me there without a passport. :]

I've become slightly obsessed with Robert Pattinson [Woo, I know, fangirlish, eh?] but NOT for the reason most girls are. I don't see "Edward" in him, or even "Cedric". I see an interesting individual, who looks like he thinks a lot. From the sparse interviews I've seen of him, he comes across as slightly cynical, and I like that. Forgetting the fact that he looks like my first "Love", he IS pretty attractive. But I don't see glitteryvampy Rob, I see a musician, and an actor, and all around, just a talented individual, that's not self-absorbed, and doesn't really WANT fame and fortune. He wants to do what he loves, and do it as best he can.
I admire that.
His music, is... expressive.
He reminds me of Salvador Dali [Which he plays, by the way, in Little Ashes ;] ].
He's not really the "Norm", and he doesn't care to be.
He's just.. HIM.

Putting RPattz aside now, before I start detailing all the things I'd like to converse with him about, [including his views on philosophy, etc.] Um..

I guess.. I had some good luck lately? O -o
My dad finally got unemployment money, and since it's been a few months, it had just set, collecting and collecting, until we got a total amount of 5 grand in the mail.
I got much needed clothes, we stocked on some food, I got an 8GB Green iPod Nano;
I got my Halo 3 edition xBox 360, with matching controller of course ;)
I got Halo 1 to play ON said xBox [Sexbox as it's known in my loose ring of "Friends"]
Um.. I got.. OH I got glasses finally! :D
I can seeee!!! *blinks*
Of course, it took a few days, because the first time they "Completed" my prescription, the right side was off.
So I had to go back, and REdo all the tests and whatnot, but it was TOTALLY worth it :D

Here in a couple of days, we get to take the 3 kittehs of mine down to get fixed [FINALLY!], so they won't spray anymore. :D

Downer news, so-called "Friends" who said they wanted to be "Friends" again, have all but SCREAMED at me to go away, which happens to be the main reason I wanted to LEAVE Kentucky.

I was in a car accident with my closest friend, and the car nearly flipped over, but he was an awesome driver, and regained control of the car, so all was well... Until his parents got to the scene >_<"

Um... Well, more downer news, is that my Mom and her Boyfriend, and my Sister have to come BACK to Kentucky, from Washington State [where I'd planned on moving to, remember?] Because my Aunt is being her usual bitchy self, with a touch of insanity, and yelled at my mom's bf because my MOM made him a sandwich... o_e"

So we're trying to figure out how to arrange for them and all the possessions to make it across the country AGAIN, when we're all pretty much broke right now -_-"

Um, anyway, yeah, I think that's about it for now!
If you're someone, and you're actually READING THIS, I thank you profusely.
And if you'd like to keep up with me regularly, follow me on Twitter, [@Cherry_Gryffon]!!!!
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